Archive for July 29th, 2011

I have thousands of LP’s, CD’s and cassettes but always return to this one.  My nerves are ragged and when this happens I “pull out” this 60’s album “Clouds” by Joni Mitchell.  I did put it on cassette years ago.

The music is soothing and I will play it over and over and also search for other quiet music until this phase of mine passes.  I can’t listen to uptempo music right now.  I don’t think my episode will last too long.  I am still sleeping whole nights so I am not overly concerned.  I will play it by ear.  The more I can soothe my nerves the quicker I will return to normal.

Somehow I need to talk less.  I need to give my wife more empty spaces.  I forget this all too often.  I do not have to repeat myself unless it is evident she did not hear me or understand me.  All this is very hard for me.  I know I have to work on it.

Less is always more.  It is too easy to fill up the blank spaces with words.  I have to give my “other” a chance to reflect on my words.  All this takes time.  Communication is not immediate.  This age of cell phones and other technology gives this illusion that communication is instant.  It is the hardest thing in the whole world.  It is work.

When I believe I am being perfectly clear in my communication with my wife, I find out I wasn’t.

I want to count my blessings.  It is so easy to center on what I call my “lack”.  I am so blessed–materially and all kinds of ways that have nothings to do with things.  I have a wife who loves me.  And all kinds of other people who are glad to see me.  And I have a history with them.  My four dogs and even my cats who really do not pay much attention to me but I appreciate them nevertheless.  My life is not perfect but then, again, whose is?  Of course, this is a short and incomplete list.  I can go on and on but I won’t.  I am just glad to be home.

We have been home (from the Jersey Shore) less than 24 hours and what I most appreciate is the quiet here.  All I hear here is the ?crickets or is it the ?cicadas.  And the occasional “whoosh” of a car passing nearby.

The bed and breakfast we stayed at for three nights was on a busy road.  It was very difficult to make a left hand turn.  It was only a block away from the ocean.  New Jersey just had too many people.

For some reason I become very unsettled in crowded areas.  It is not my fault.  I just do.  I will appreciate my house better.  It is not on a main fare.  I watch the birds come to and fro my feeders all day.  Especially the hummingbirds who never fail to delight me.

There is a reason mental hospitals always were situated in the country.  They used to be called rest homes.  Many years ago the array of medications to treat mental illness did not exist.

People who had nervous breakdowns were sent to hospitals in the countryside to recuperate and recover.  There is nothing like the calm found in nature to do so.

I will appreciate my home better.  It is just a relief to be here.  My trip to the Jersey shore reminded me how fortunate I am to be on the edge of country.