Dec
28
2013
I could not imagine moving back to NJ, where I had lived most of my life. It has been over twenty-five years in Central Pennsylvania. My roots are now here. I have fallen in love with this area. If you live long enough in one spot you develop roots there. You can’t go home again. You can’t go back.
Dec
24
2013
It is so easy to become unhappy. It is so easy to center on what you don’t have. I have to center on the multiple blessings I have been given: food, shelter, a loving wife. Humans have the capacity to want things they don’t have. It only makes me unhappy. For the rest of the Christmas season and New Year I will thank the Lord for the many blessings I have been given. There is so much I have to thank the Lord for. I will think about those things the rest of the year.
Dec
14
2013
Every day is a gift. And a miracle. There is no way to get around that but to lead a life of despair. I chose not to do that. Every thing in my life is only by grace. I chose to believe every day is a miracle. And sometimes I wallow in despair. And have to work through it. The dawn is always around the next corner. In fact, it is right in front of you. And life can be bitter and contain much loss and pain. I have to work through it. And walk toward the Light–the Light that is always there. And sometimes I stop seeing it. It is there but my vision is clouded. I have to remove the blinders over and over. It is a process. I chose to believe every day is a miracle. There is no other way to live. The only other choice is despair.
Nov
21
2013
Tilla did his best to cheer me up. Twice he greeted me by jumping on my bed and licking my face. And later he jumped up on our love sofa extending himself making it plain he was glad to see me. I wonder whether he sensed I was down. And was trying his best to cheer me up. I don’t know but my depression briefly disappeared in those moments. He gets an “E” for effort.
Nov
21
2013
I reviewed the things that were depressing me. And listed them. There were some major reasons and some minor ones that by themselves were not enough to cause me to be depressed but were just another reason to be. It was an accumulation of factors. I am trying to eliminate what is in my control to change and see if my depression will lift. It is worth trying.
Nov
16
2013
I was depressed lately. Depression is not something, necessarily, to stamp out. I was aware depression was something I had to work through. Nothing happens in a vacuum. I knew I could not do this alone. And needed someone’s help to do that. I don’t think my wife could help me. I had to seek the help elsewhere. Someone who was not invested in me personally. Depression is an indicator. There are reasons for every state. I just had to “work” through them.
Oct
11
2013
Tilla jumped enthusiastically on my bed to greet me. He wanted a hug and was now on eye level. His body shook all over in anticipation of my greeting. Wouldn’t it be nice if all your friends made it that plain how glad they were to see you. There is nothing like a dog for unconditional love. In fact, some people prefer dogs to humans: they don’t disguise their feelings.
Sep
26
2013
It is always better in the light. I need to get out, rub shoulders with others–even if it is only briefly. Sleep is coming from the darkness. It is an abyss. You have no control of your dreams. It is almost like death. My surroundings are too familiar. Outside it is light (and sometimes hope). Depression is too easy. It is always better in the light.
Sep
6
2013
Give us today our daily bread. The prayer we give every day is God satisfies our daily needs. This is illustrated by one of Jesus’ parables. A farmer had a great crop and he built a gigantic store house. And Jesus came to him and called him a fool. Jesus informed him his time has come. You don’t have to stock up. He will take care of us every day. And it is a day at a time. That should be our prayer: He fulfills all our physical needs a day at a time. Each day you face.
Jun
11
2013
If America is so free, why do we have the biggest population of prisoners in the world? That is a good question. A disproportionate number of prisoners are black and poor. I guess if you have a good lawyer, you usually do not end up in jail. Many of the prisoners are in for non-violent crimes–mostly drugs.
Another travesty is there are more mentally ill in our prisons than in hospitals. And many are not getting proper care. Also, corporate profits are at a sixty year high. And their taxes are at a sixty year low.
I just read if you factor inflation in, the minimum wage would be over twenty dollars. It is not, so where are the profits coming from? I thought I read that in the US one in five collect food stamps. All that is not right. Are we really our brother’s keeper? Our leaders have a vested interest in keeping our population poor. Our politicians may be elected by the people but most of them do not answer to the general population. It is big money that they answer to.
In the words of Fidel Castro’s brother (during a Sean Penn interview), the politicians in America are the ‘ruling class.’ And now the government wants to run the medical profession. As more and more details come in, instead of the price of medical insurance going down it might double or triple for some people in 2014. It is enough to really get discouraged with our country. Our land of the free.
May
22
2013
The two worse words in the English language are “I can’t”.
Nothing more than those two words can destroy a relationship.
Nothing more than those two words can destroy one’s potential.
And there is nothing worse than not trying.
“I can’t.” I can’t tell you how many times I flung those words at my wife. She flung them back at me. My two children, 4 and 5, are learning the same. I am now trying to undo the damage. For six years my wife has refused to listen to those two words. When I uttered them in her presence she would scream at me, “No! No! Anything is possible. Please don’t teach our two children to say those words and believe just because something is difficult that is enough reason not to try.” For six years she has been hammering at me. For years those around me had exclaimed, “There is absolutely nothing you can’t do.” I would just shrug my shoulders and continue my negative ways. I will turn 45 soon. For the first time in my life I believe I am capable. My wife has finally won. “I can’t” has been eliminated from my vocabulary and replaced with the attitude, “I can.” Every successful man has a woman behind him. I know that perfectly. And I have fought my wife every step of the way. But now I believe.
May
12
2013
Books are very important to me. In fact, I married a “book” person and we have books all over my house. The books represent the legacy of other people. They are not equal in value. Some are more special than other. And I refer to these more often. Most of my “special” books are in my “pad”. In one book case I have quite a few of them. In another book case I have poetry books and most of mine (???) writing reference books. My books are like my “friends.” And I don’t want them too far away.
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