Mar
24
2015
Tilla, my favorite dog, was only on loan. This was brought to the forefront when I found another lump on his neck. It felt like a cyst like the larger mass on his back. I realized suddenly he was not going to be around forever so I needed to appreciate him now. Humans most of the time outlive their pets. I had to enjoy him now. Not tomorrow but today.
Mar
15
2015
What do I know for certainty? My wife loves me. So does my favorite dog–Tilla. Probably Coco, his sister. Maybe, that needs to be enough. Two dogs and my wife. Maybe, that should be sufficient. Let me bask in that love. I did nothing to earn that. Of course, I did not mention Jesus. He loves me, too. I don’t know why you can feel so separated and so alone sometimes?
Mar
15
2015
My birthday is coming up (and I am just depressed). I can not tell you exactly why although I can guess. Part of that is grief. Most of my life is over. I can’t go back. Wishing is futile. Somehow I need to settle things. My relationship with my daughter is fractured. I don’t know how to repair it. Lectures and judgements don’t do it. I am aware of the ticking time. I am running out of time. I guess, everyone wants to leave a legacy. I am working at getting my first book of poetry out but it is a long and uncertain process. My wife is the only one who really cares about that. She is my editor and a good one. Things really don’t matter. I really don’t know how much time I have left. For that matter, no one knows for sure. I know that somehow I need to make peace with the people who matter to me. I don’t know how. I am just depressed. That is all I know.
Mar
7
2015
I don’t know why it is so hard
to get rid of old letters–some decades old. Some memories I don’t want to delve in any longer yet I save the faded correspondence. Cards with nothing notable on them I trash easily. Some letters from my sister I wonder about. The memories seem so far away. Some are bad, some are good. Once in awhile a photo drops out of the letter and the passage of time is revealed. Was I really that young once? I have grown old. I don’t want to to rid myself entirely of past memories. Friends and lovers.
And I know when I am gone someone else will probably trash them. I just can’t bear to throw away most of my letters. Part of my life is embodied in those letters.
It is so hard–patches of my history, my life is everywhere. Dates are sometimes important: they mark milestones of my past. I am always surprised how porous my memory is. Friends wrote me letters I have long forgotten. I do toss some. People have fled in the corridors of my mind. It is so hard. Clues of my history, my life is everywhere.
Feb
28
2015
Tilla jumped into our bed after were were both in it. We changed our routine last night: we both retired at the same time. Usually I go to bed first and read an half an hour and Tilla jumps on the bed then and leaves after my wife gets in bed. This time Tilla jumped on the bed and snuggled between the two of us. His head was right next to mine. I fell asleep and he must have jumped off at some point and went to his usual spot on the Lazy Boy in my den. Coco, my other black dog–his sister–was in her usual spot where she disturbs no one: asleep on the left side of the bed.
Feb
23
2015
I play “DJ” all day for my wife. Sometimes she gets tired of the music and ask me to “pipe” it in my den or lower it or turn it off if the music is getting on her nerves. That is a gift to me that her taste in my music is eclectic so I can play almost anything any time. I was not as free to play my music with my first wife. I often had to wait until she was out of the house to play some of my music. Her tastes in music were not as varied as my current wife.
Feb
23
2015
Tilla, one of my dogs–my favorite, has a new routine (as well as Coco). At bedtime, Tilla jumps on my bed and waits for me to get there. He does not like to share his private time with my wife. I go to bed first and read awhile. He has learned to give me space on our king-sized bed so I can get under the sheets completely. When my wife makes it to bed, he simply jumps off. Often when I awake his sister Coco is lying right next to me. By that time my wife is no longer sleeping in the bed. And Tilla is still lying on the Lazy Boy in my den where he usually spends the night.
Jan
17
2015
My cats took over our bedroom. All seven are there–most of them on our cushy bed. It is not unusual to see Jasmine and her four grown up kitties there but seven cats is another story. That is unusual. I was about to make our bed but I will do it later. I don’t want to disturb the cats–at least, right now.
Jan
10
2015
Some of our cats (we have seven) hang out during the day on our bed. It is usually Jasmine and three of her grown up kittens. China, another grown up kitten of hers, sometimes joins them on the bed. The four cats often cuddle up to each other. Oddly enough all her kittens were male. Our bedroom is their hangout. They reluctantly leave when we go to bed.
Dec
31
2014
Coco, one of our dogs, has to greet my wife first before going out. When we return after being out for awhile, we let all the dogs out immediately into our fenced yard. Coco will not dash out before she gives my wife a big hello. She is the only dog of our three that does that. She enthusiastically greets my wife and then she runs out in the yard.
Dec
19
2014
My son likes painting water colors. He showed us on his cell a picture of one he made for his young nephew–less than a year old. It was lovely. I was thrilled he did that. His nephew will appreciate the picture when he gets older. It so happened that we gave him a paint set for Hanukkah and Christmas. He was delighted with it. My wife bought the set for him. I still have two collages he made for me–one was for father’s day and he made a small one on a mirror. I do not see him often enough but when he is in the area, he makes an effort to see me, which I appreciate. I talk to him every few weeks briefly. I am glad we have that contact. All I know he gives great hugs.
Dec
19
2014
My son said, “I am always striving to hear something new and different in music.” When I was his age (twenty-four), I was the same although I never listened to country. I always wanted to hear something new. My taste in music is still eclectic and so is my wife’s, which makes it a little easier to listen to music when she is around. Eventually I also started listening to jazz and my taste there is very varied to the most discordant (seldom) to the most mellow and everything in between. When he was growing up I had the stereo on all the time so it is not surprising he loves music, too.
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