May
14
2012
I was admonished by my wife to listen better. She overheard my conversation with my daughter. Her suggestion was to stop asking her direct questions and ask her opened (???) ended questions so she could really tell me how she is doing. No one really likes to be given a barrage of questions. It is something I have to work on–my listening skills.
Mar
23
2012
It is easy to take technology for granted. Our modem went out. And all of a sudden I could not go online, check my mail. It was going to be a few days before I receive a new modem from Century Link. And I was feeling something was missing and I could not wait until i received the replacement modem. I took it for granted, that I could go online every day. Fifty years ago there was no Internet or even an affordable home computer. And I don’t have one of those fancy cell phones that are really computers. I never forgot my sister balking to go into an area if there was no cell phone reception. The world is really connected. And it makes no difference. Wars are going on all over the world. Communication has not really improved.
Mar
16
2012
Today just about everyone has a cell phone. Or a computer. It gives the illusion everyone’s connected. And true communication is occurring. It is just that–an illusion. Communication is nine tenths non verbal. True communication is face to face. Deception today is all too easy. Anyone can text via cell phone. Or E Mail. Any where you go it appears people’s ears are attached permanently to their cell phones. It is far harder to talk to someone in person. You miss too much if you insist just on using your cell phone or E Mail. It is just one kind of communication. And it is very flawed and incomplete so never forget that. And far too easy to deceive another.
Aug
12
2011
What is matter with you!? Right away puts me on the defensive. I know damn well I am flawed. Maybe a more personal statement using “I” in it would be better. As such: what you are doing bothers me. Make it a little more personal instead: use exact terms. Maybe give me a chance to explain my actions or even apologize for hurting you but don’t say, ‘What is a matter with you?!’ Give me a chance to talk. Don’t shut me down. Give me the benefit of the doubt. You would want the same courtesy. Communication is always a two way street. Don’t assume you are always right. Or justified. Give me a chance. That is all I ever wanted.
Jul
29
2011
Somehow I need to talk less. I need to give my wife more empty spaces. I forget this all too often. I do not have to repeat myself unless it is evident she did not hear me or understand me. All this is very hard for me. I know I have to work on it.
Less is always more. It is too easy to fill up the blank spaces with words. I have to give my “other” a chance to reflect on my words. All this takes time. Communication is not immediate. This age of cell phones and other technology gives this illusion that communication is instant. It is the hardest thing in the whole world. It is work.
When I believe I am being perfectly clear in my communication with my wife, I find out I wasn’t.
Mar
20
2011
Others can’t help revealing themselves: all you have to do to understand this is to eavesdrop on peoples’ conversations. What is occupying their minds, their present concerns comes out in their speech to other people.
Sometimes if you know the person, what is left out is revealing. Other times you discover what is really on their minds when you listen. Of course, some people are closed books and keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves.
Even then, you have some idea how they are doing: ninety per cent of communication is non-verbal. You have to look past the words they utter.
For others, you have to sense what they are saying jives with their body language. In any case, most people can’t help revealing themselves one way or another. You just have to pay attention.
Apr
7
2010
Writing is foremost communication. You may be writing to an invisible audience. And you may not even be aware of your audience but it is there.
Writing is one type of communication. It is not publishing although you may seek that but never lose sight of the fact you are “reaching out” to someone.
Yes, it is a feather in your cap when someone wants to publish something you have written. Never lose sight you have to write and it may be in your case a major way you communicate with others.
The more personal you can be the more others can relate to your struggles. Your writing can’t, simply, be generic. Everyone has struggles and others are interested in yours whether you choose to write fiction or non-fiction. It always has to ring true.
As far as I am concerned fiction is non-fiction disguised. It may not be autobiographical but nevertheless the writer has to delve deeply in their own psyche for their writing to be authentic. And it is always communication. No matter who the audience is. You always have one.
Jan
19
2010
I do not believe communication is better because you can do it almost instantaneously. Communication is as hard as ever. There are more wars going on in this world as ever.
Sure with the internet a message can be sent around the world in seconds. So what! It is just quicker to make mistakes in judgment. Cell phones keep getting more sophisticated. The saturation time has not changed. You can absorb data no quicker.
Everywhere you go others can be seen with cell phones attached to their ears as if they grew there. They really are a great distraction– one of many today.
True communication is always better face to face. And it takes time. And effort and the ability to listen to each other carefully and well. None of that is any easier.
Maybe, even harder. There is the delusion true communication is occurring. It is as hard as ever. That has not changed at all in this world of almost instantaneous communication.
Dec
13
2009
There is always something to write about. It is a question of picking up a “thread” in your life and following it on paper if you are so inclined.
There is no such thing as writer’s block unless you have picked yourself clean and not allowed yourself any empty spaces or “down time” to put it another way.
Every day you have concerns and different thoughts are going through your head. You just have start somewhere and follow it where ever it goes.
None of that happens if you do not allow yourself quiet moments. Your brain really never stops. You just have to physically stop and record and follow at least one line of thought.
Although it is always up to you whether you want to write and follow your thoughts on paper (or the keyboard). It is always up to you. Writing is only one form of communication. You live to write, not write to live.
Jun
12
2009
Love always goes beyond the physical. It is a look. It is an attitude toward your beloved. It is so many things beyond the physical.
Sex peters out awfully quickly when love between the partners fizzles out. Love is the thoughts you direct unseen toward your partner. He/she knows what you think behind closed doors and even unseen, unheard.
Sex with love has no parameters. It goes anywhere the hearts desire. Sex is far more than the physical. Your partner always knows when you stop listening. True communication is love which turns into the physical.
No matter how good the sex is eventually it turns sour without love. Love always goes beyond the physical. Love is really the only thing that matters.
May
31
2009
Telling your partner “I am sorry I hurt you” alone does not cut it. Somehow you have to stop the behavior which has hurt your partner over and over.
Your partner wants you to apologize and it starts there but she/he wants you to stop the offending behavior. Somehow your partner wants to trust you again. Every person is flawed. Nevertheless, if you do not stop hurting your partner you can not be trusted further and the apology comes off insincere.
No one wants to be hurt continually. Yes, an sincere apology starts the process toward healing but the next step is to stop hurting your partner the same way.
I know perfectly how flawed I am but I need to make an sincere effort to stop the offending behavior. When that occurs, my partner can gradually trust me again.
It is so easy to point fingers and excuse your behavior. Human beings are masters of deception. Your partner sees you at your worst. Forgiveness at the end of the day is essential for hurts can fester and causes you to explode at situations that are really nothing to do with the reasons you are upset.
Jesus when asked how many times you should be forgiven said, ‘Seventy times Seven.’ The point is each partner has to forgive the other for hurting each other endlessly. There is really no limit to the times you have to forgive the other.
Nevertheless, your partner wants more than an apology: he or she want you to stop your offending behavior. Then your partner will be able to gradually trust you.
Forgiveness is an essential first step. The next step is to stop hurting your partner. It is so easy to point fingers at someone for breakdowns in communication. It is so easy to rationalize your behavior. As I said in the last blog I wrote the only person you have most control of is yourself.
You can not change your behavior just to influence your partner. That is manipulation. Your change has to be genuine and have no strings attached.
Your partner has to be free to accept or reject your new behavior. It is time that enables your partner to trust you again. That is why I said saying you are sorry does not cut it alone. Yes, you have to first be contrite but then you have to change your behavior. That is the true test and determines first whether your partner will trust you again.
The hardest thing is the world is true communication. That takes time and effort and forgiveness and not every one is up to it. Thus so many divorces. I remember a friend once telling me marriage is work (I was single then). I laughed at his statement then. I am no longer laughing at him. He was right.
May
5
2009
The question posed by the title seems odd: it is a paraphrase from the book “Walden” by Henry David Thoreau. The exact quote states “We do not ride on the railroad; it rides upon us.”
This book was written over one hundred and fifty years ago. Thoreau later on the same page asks, “Why should we live with such hurry and waste of life?”
His statements are more apropos than ever. We live in a world of instant communication. A tragedy in a different part of the world thousands of miles away occurs and the news reports it right away.
If you go to a mall you would think the cell phones of teenagers are glued to their ears.
What Thoreau was asking was do we use the technology at our disposal usefully or does it control us. This question is more relevant than ever before today.
In the days of sophisticated cell phones (and computers) that can almost do anything you have to ask is it all necessary. Teenagers got along fifty years ago without cell phones (and parents still kept track of them).
Not too long ago I was in a car that was navigating by GPS and its directions were wrong and the driver almost did not believe I knew the right turn to make.
You have to wonder how much true communication is really taking place? I still prefer talking to others face to face. Yes, I will use a cell phone occasionally. Nevertheless it does not run my life.
Now every household has a computer, multiple cell phones, a microwave and all kinds of other technology. And I do not care that cell phones can almost do anything except dance.
Thoreau was really asking another question, also, the need to go faster and faster and no one asks the questions why is this speed so necessary and why do we want to go there. We can fly across continents quicker than ever before but so what.
The world has become smaller but not really. True communication is usually not instantaneous. The new technology has not really made this any easier. It only gives the illusion it is. And don’t be fooled. It takes commitment and effort to truly understand another human being.
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