Siggy's Blurbs: Siggy's Edge of Country …

If you want to upset me confront me unnecessarily and put me in an untenable position.  And do it over minor stuff.  Always give me a way out.  Very, very seldom is it necessary to do that.  Almost never in fact.

If you listen to diplomats, usually every effort is made to reach a compromise pleasing to both.

If you want me to yell and raise my voice continue to do that.  You have a choice in the matter.  Meet me half way.  Do not make it your will against mine.  Do not insist on something being done a certain way.

If the truth be known, there are usually several different ways to accomplish the same purpose but if you insist I do something and you have backed me against the wall and I really can’t do it or think I can’t, I will only get upset.

And it is so unnecessary.  If you are willing to bend, most things can be done peacefully.  And without strife.  ‘Your mother’s ghost hangs over your shoulder’–a line from the song “Triad” written by David Crosby and performed by Jefferson Airplane.

Sometimes you have to realize stances you maintain are really shadows of lessons you learned in your childhood and repeated lessons your parents imparted.  It is not necessary to hang on to them.  They only get you in trouble as you found out.

This latest squabble we had was when I asked you to check a dog’s collar.  All you had to do was say, “Yes, I will.”  I was not sure of how tight or loose it was before.  You insisted I figure it out.  You did not have to back me in a corner.

I do not exist in a vacuum.  If you don’t want me to raise my voice, stop putting we (???) in untenable positions.  And give me ways out.  I guarantee I will get upset less and will raise my voice less.  You do exert some control over me.  Just use it.

Tags: 'your mother's ghost hangs over your shoulder', "Triad", back me in a corner, compromise, confrontation, David Crosby, Jefferson Airplane, lessons learned in childhood, marriage, meet me half way, minor stuff, yell and raise my voice, your will against mine
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A marriage (or any other committed relationship) gives you another chance to do your childhood all over.  That seems like an odd statement but think about it:  your mate comes from at best similarly though not totally alike childhoods raised by different parents.

You always have blind spots.  And so does your partner.  Marriage gives you an opportunity to expose some of these.  And change in the process.  Live with a person day in and day out and you have seen the positive and negative points of your partner.

And some of these points you were blind to until you had them pointed out usually in some kind of conflict.  Every relationship has conflict.  And conflict forces you to reexamine attitudes you possess that you may not have given much thought to until they caused you problems.

Usually couples who do not fight with one another are not dealing with their differences and flaws they possess.  Compromises ensure the success in the relationship.  And sparks usually fly in the process.

Eventually hopefully the rough edges between both of you are smoothed out.  Marriage gives you the opportunity to face blind spots and grow.  In a way no other common institution does.

Tags: blind spots, childhood, compromise, conflict, couples, marriage, parents, relationships, smooth out rough edges, sparks fly, we are flawed, your mate, your partner
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I am convinced God created marriage for only one reason:  to teach us how to love better.  That is the only reason, as far as I am concerned, this institution was created.

I am extremely self centered and narcissistic.  Marriage forces me to examine my foibles and flaws.  I mess up all the time and hurt my “other”.

I have to apologize and ask her for her forgiveness.  I know precisely how flawed I am although I, often, am not aware exactly how having definite blind spots.  Marriage forces you to examine your weaknesses and attempt to correct them.

Your partner sees the worst in you given enough time.  There is no doubt about that.  One never sees what goes on behind closed doors nor should they.

When we are in a primary relationship we have a chance to examine our flaws again.  First we have to become aware of them, then decide how we want to change.  Every family is dysfunctional.  The only question is to what degree.

When we are in a relationship we are forced to examine our shortcomings.  We have a chance to examine our childhood again.  Every relationship is flawed including our parents’.  When we live with someone nothing is hidden too long.

As time goes on, we have a chance to correct flaws we become aware of.  I laughed at my friend when he said marriage is “work” (that was in my single days).  I am no longer laughing at him.  Marriage is work.  Hopefully the pluses outweigh the minuses and the marriage survives.

Living with another is the hardest thing in the whole world.  It is the compromises we have to work out that insure the success of the marriage.  Living with another forces us to get out of our self-centeredness and forces us to love another human being better.

There are no easy answers to each marriage, each marriage is different.  There is no more common institution than marriage to change the other.  Too many people do not want to do the hard work it takes to continue the marriage or examine themselves and their flaws.  Thus the high divorce rate.  There are no easy answers to any marriage; it all takes time (and commitment) to one another.

Tags: apologize, behind closed doors, blind spots, change, childhood, commitment, compromise, divorce, dysfunctional family, examine your weaknesses, flawed, forgiveness, God, love, marriage, marriage is work, narcissistic, our parents, our shortcomings, relationship, self-centered, teach us to love better, your partner
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Conflict is good. It forces you to connect with your partner at a deeper level. You want to resolve your conflict, to seek peace with your partner.

In order to do that you have to reach deep within you, find the solution to resolve the impasse. This is all good. You must seek a creative solution to break the impasse.

In the process your roots are entangled with your partner, making your connection that much deeper. Conflict brings your deepest feelings to the surface.

After peace comes, you know your conflict resolution was genuine. Couples who do not argue are not facing their conflict head on but are superficially connecting with one another.

Anger indicates you have hit a nerve and you need to find a solution pleasing to both–often a compromise. Then a calm can come bringing peace to the couple. One needs to be kind in the process otherwise too many hurt feelings will hinder your resolution of your conflict.

Conflict can be a good thing. In the wake of a genuine solution, a couple’s relationship can become that much stronger. Conflict, in that case, is always beneficial.

Tags: anger, argue, be kind, compromise, conflict can be a good thing, conflict resolution, couples, hurt feelings, love, marriage, peace, relationships, seek peace, your deepest feelings
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Life without problems to solve would be incredibly boring.  It is problems in our lives that make it a challenge.  And we mature as we learn to deal with them.

There is only one place that we don’t have any:  and that is when the Lord takes us.  We should be grateful for the opportunity to solve them.  And some never will be solved.  And others we just adjust to.  Our brain is designed for solving complex problems.

Conflict usually brings out the best in us.  Finding compromises and win-win situations is always a challenge.  If no one is satisfied with a solution, something is wrong with it.

Politics is just that–finding the best solutions which are almost always some kind of compromise between opposing parties.  There is really nothing wrong with politics.  It is in every area of our lives:  the family, government, the church, every institution you can think of.  The only question regarding politics is how fairly the compromises were worked out.

Politics almost always involves solving thorny problems.  As a rule, there are no easy answers and not everyone can be satisfied.  Problems are what make our lives interesting and challenging.  So do not bemoan them.  Problems keep us going and gives us a reason to get up each morning.  Be glad you have them.

Tags: brings out the best in us, challenges, church, compromise, family, finding solutions, God, government, make our lives interesting, no easy answers, our brain, politics, problems, solve problems, the Lord, thorny problems
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