What would I care about if I go after my wife?  I can’t take my things with me.  I know from dust I come and from dust I return.  So what do I want to leave someone after I die–not much.  The only thing I care about and hope I can leave in good hands is my journals and poetry.  I would like to think at least a poem or two or three would outlive me.  Money can’t buy happiness.  Bill Gates, at one point, was the richest man in the world.  So what does he do but pour billions in a foundation so, maybe, he can make a difference.  Each person wonders if he/she will leave any kind of legacy.  And there are multiple ways of doing that.  It could be the memories your children have of you who in turn impact others.  Memories of you may not die so quickly.  Sometimes anyway.  Many people when they approach the end of their life wonder about the legacy they will leave behind.  At least I do.

I have been depressed for awhile.  I know my depression is an indicator.  I know my age has something to do with it:  I will not live another 64 years.  I wonder what I will leave behind.  I certainly can’t take my things with me–my music, my journals, my poems.  I can’t take anything with me.  So what is there?  What is my purpose of living?  It is not the accumulation of my things.  From dust you come and from dust you shall return.  I do hope I leave the world a better place, that some people might mourn me.  And have good memories of me.  The thing about the world it goes on.  Every day someone dies, someone is born.  I am trying to figure out my purpose in the time I have left.  Not that my death is imminent but who knows?  No one can really help me on my journey.  Somehow I have to figure out what I have to do which will give me meaning so I can climb out of my depression.  There is (???are) no easy answers.

I want to grow old gracefully.  I am slowing down physically.  A nap in the middle of the day is almost an necessity.  I do not want to complain about my ailments.  My Mom did not like it when I told her, “When you get old, parts don’t work right any longer.”  I am well aware that the fact my kidney function has stabilized the last three years is totally by the grace of God.  Dialysis has not yet been necessary.  Everything is by grace.  I know my time will come and I will return to dust.  No one lives forever.  And we act as if we should.  Death is the last taboo.  I just want to get older with dignity and grace.  That is my only prayer.

In every life some tragedy falls.  It does no good to bemoan your fate.  Some people die, get sick, have accidents.  Life is not fair.  It does no good to compare yourself with others.  You deal with the “cards dealt you”.  That is all you can do.  Every life has tragedy.  There is no way to get around that.  Each life has problems.  You should be grateful.  Life is, indeed, very precious and all you can do is deal with your unique set of problems.  And how you face them will determines your character.  We are all tempered by the crucible of fire.

“It’s just a shame that this happened to him.”  And what was it that happened to him.  He had a stroke and died two days later.  Sure he was in the football hall of fame, led Oklahoma to two national titles.  So what?!  Death claims us all.  We just don’t know when.  Sometimes it is suddenly and totally unexpected.  Other times it is slowly.  But it happens to every person.  No exceptions.  And society (and others) act surprised when it occurs.  It is just not supposed to happen.  At least, others act that way.  We just don’t know when it is going to happen.  And it is always a shock.

I don’t know whether I will live that long:  the mattress we just bought is guaranteed for twenty years.  Frankly I don’t know if I will outlive the mattress.  In another twenty years I will be eighty-three.  I know my family is long-lived.  My Dad lived 91 years and my Mom was over 81 when she died.  Nevertheless I am not sure I will make it that long.  It gets me thinking, that is all.  I need to focus on the time allotted to me.  One never knows when one’s times runs out.

A Tribute To John Dye

Author: siggy

It was a shock when I learned (via the internet) that John Dye died of a heart attack:  he was only 47.  John Dye was the angel of death in “Touched By An Angel”–a role he was perfect for.

He played the role on TV with such humanity.  The show ran nine years.  By the third he had become a regular.  His stance toward death was biblical but his touch was not heavy handed.

He left so many memories in that role.  Even in death he will continue to impact others who discover or view again the episodes of “Touched By An Angel”.  I am sure he is on the other side.

He did not bludgeon you with hell.  Sure it was a possibility.  He did not use that word.  He emphasized the positive–how much God wanted a relationship with you.  He was totally believable and he will be missed.

Every once in awhile I think about our house and what will happen to the things in it when we are both gone. Clearing and sorting through my wife’s Moms’ stuff after she died was a major task.  In fact, we had to make three trips to Texas to accomplish to that job.

I told my wife someone one day will have to do that to us.  You can’t take your things with you when you are gone.  That fact does not make any difference to her.  More things keep coming in our house.

I look around our house and know when the time comes someone will have a major task in front of them.  And a lot of things that are here and we would not get rid of will just be trashed.

I do not want to say my wife is the only one that collects things.  I collect music–CD’s, LP’s and cassettes.  I also collect books and they are practically in every room, some still in boxes so I am part of the problem too.

I thought what might be valuable if both of us are gone and would like to pass on:  my journals, my wife’s writing which is scattered–not much.

Even the value of those am not sure I will have any say over.  From dust you come and dust you will return.  I have to remind myself of that.  And maybe consider what truly has value.

Along the way I became old. It did not feel that way. I felt the same way inside but I looked at models and realized how young they were and realized I was considerably older.

Life was really a gift. I would occasionally peruse the obituaries and note there were many who had died were my age or younger. That did not change anything.

Sometimes I would become depressed. Everyone knows they will die but act as if they will cheat death or it will not come to them one day.

Death and taxes. Is that all I have to look forward to? How depressing?!

The Maker Awaits Us All

Author: siggy

The Maker awaits us all.  Why do we act so surprised when He comes a knocking.  Yes, my kidney function is declining but we are all going to go.  Sometimes it comes suddenly and sometimes we have some time to think about it.

Life is indeed very precious.  And we can’t always choose our time.  In fact we never know for sure.  All we can do is wring every bit of life out of every day, every hour, minute given to us.  And praise the Lord in the process.  That is all we can do.  Praise The Lord for every minute, every day afforded to us.

I have to thank the Lord for every day, every dusk that comes my way, every dawn. Each day is a gift and we are meant to enjoy each one afforded to us.

No one knows how many days they will have. Sometimes the ending comes abruptly and when you least expected it and other timesit come slowly. There is no easy path to death.

When I learned that a kidney transplant is considered a treatment, not a cure and the life expectancy after that is maybe a dozen years, death became a reality.

I have to learn to face each day expectantly and with wonder. After all, it is a gift and meant to be enjoyed.

I can’t live my life in fear. Somehow I have to banish the fear of death and learn to live each day with gratitude. There is no other way, that makes sense anyway.

There was a dead female cardinal laying near my car.  I could not tell how it died by looking at it but I felt sorry for it.  Usually when you see a cardinal its mate is somewhere nearby.  Cardinals mate for life and somewhere was a male cardinal who must have been mourning its death.  I hope it is able to find a new mate.