There is nothing like being in the sunshine.  After a week of gloomy, rainy weather today the sky was blue and it even hit seventy.  My wife was depressed and tried to dispel her gloom.  She took a chair, placed it in the sunlight and basked in it.  It is too easy to be depressed when the weather is cold and the sun is far away.  It was a perfect Autumn day and she decided to enjoy it and went out into our yard.  Maybe later I will have a Scrabble game there.  The days are running out I can do that.  There is nothing like a clear, warm day to cheer you up.

There are too many things in this house.  And it has me depressed.  There are too many piles in different corners.  It is just too hard going through this stuff.  I see a stack of canceled checks on the desk.  Your father has been dead twenty years.  Why are they not in the trash?  We can’t even throw away broken down electronics.  That video/dvd player does work any more.  Why is it sitting on those records?  I even tried it again.  I already told my other it no longer works.  None of the lights on it worked.  I just want to pitch it.  It is preventing me from going through the pile of LP’s it is laying on.  Why are we keeping those two stacks of “Architectural Digest”.  When is the last time you looked at an issue.  I have to run everything by you.  You have to make a decision on everything.  All of this has me depressed.  Why don’t you let me have control of the decisions on most things.  And when I complain of too many things still in the house, you tell me of all the things you have given away and pitched.  There may be a lot of truth to that.  There is still too many things in this house.  And I don’t want to work so hard in eliminating them.  There are still too many piles, boxes and books and LP’s everywhere.

All I Could Do Was Dust

Author: siggy

All I could do was dust.  And listen to some music to counter my dark mood (the latest “Sugarland” CD).  Dusting is a mindless task.  In this house there is no lack of dust:  we have four dogs and seven cats.  Dusting is an unending job in this house.  In the process I changed a light bulb.  At least, I kept moving.  That is a good thing.  When I am depressed I don’t feel like doing that.  It can’t hurt.  And I may go on to something else after dusting.  Let us see what is going to happen next.

Thank God for things that have to be done every day.  It is so easy to become depressed but there are tasks that have to be done:  your pets have to be fed and let out, the dishwasher has to be emptied (or filled), bills have to be paid, meals made and grocery trips and so forth.  And of course that is an incomplete list.  There is no getting around those things.  Focusing on the present forces you out of yourself.  And that is a good thing.  It is too easy to magnify our problems.  We can’t escape our self but after all is done maybe your problems shrink a little and are more manageable so thank God for all our routines.  They don’t go away but maybe you can face them better after you are done.  It is a good thing to forget our current difficulties even if it is only temporarily.

We have too many things in our house.  And that has me depressed.  I want greater order in our house.  I don’t know how to get there.

There are too many books, too much music particularly LP’s, too many knickknacks, electronic, computer and stereo equipment.  Some of it is broken down and other equipment is obsolete.

I just want to throw away some stuff, give it away, whatever.  Some of it is not mine.  It belongs to my wife.  I don’t know how to straighten up our house.  I am surrounded by things.

I just want to throw up my hands.  I don’t know where to start.  It is driving me crazy.  The disorder that is.  I want to say “abracadabra” and wake up and most of the stuff is gone.  I just don’t know what to do.

Things really do not make me happy. Christmas is fast appearing. We have received several dozen catalogs all displaying their wares and I don’t care.

Less than a week ago I had minor surgery. I don’t feel an hundred per cent. I had a fistula made. It was not that minor. I was under twice for two and half hours. (They had to repeat the operation.)

My hand is healing and I can’t do things so well with one. If I used (???) my left hand too much, it hurts too badly and sometimes I have to take pain medication.

We take so much for granted–I included. My kids were over and my son was disappointed I did not make potato latkes (a traditional Hanukkah dish).

I just could not do it. I am depressed and just want the holiday season to be over.  I can not easily do things I once took for granted.  I know it will get better but that does not make me feel any better.

Along the way I became old. It did not feel that way. I felt the same way inside but I looked at models and realized how young they were and realized I was considerably older.

Life was really a gift. I would occasionally peruse the obituaries and note there were many who had died were my age or younger. That did not change anything.

Sometimes I would become depressed. Everyone knows they will die but act as if they will cheat death or it will not come to them one day.

Death and taxes. Is that all I have to look forward to? How depressing?!

We canceled our Dish and I got depressed.  We realized we were paying $600 a year for it.  Money got a little tighter the last few months and it was just too much money for that privilege.

Nevertheless I became depressed after we canceled that service.  On the upside we had lots of DVDs and old videos to watch.  There were plenty of films I have not seen.  I still have not watched Ken Burns series on jazz my wife got me for Christmas maybe five years ago.

All of that did not matter.  I still became depressed.  Like I lost a friend.  Something I took for granted.  And now it was gone.

It was just one more thing:  the thermostat appeared to stop working in the kitchen.  I really did not know even how to take it off the wall.  I was depressed for the second day in a row.  There were too many things in my life I felt I had no control of.  It is not necessary to list them but depression was a result.  If I could work on some of those things maybe my depression would lift.  I will start with what I could change even a little bit.  We will see what will happen.

Nothing had changed from yesterday and today.  Yesterday I was depressed.  And today I was not.  The only difference I could gather was that last night I got a solid night sleep.  Sometimes the explanation for a depression is that simple:  I was overly fatigued.  And the depression lifts after a good night sleep.  It is that simple.  There is no complicated psychological reason.

The depression was totally physical.  I sometimes forget that.  I always have to look at that first.  It could be that simple.  I am aware I have a tendency to become depressed when I don’t sleep well and enough.  Or overdo it or both.  Every one is different.  I just have to respect my limits.

Nothing extraordinary happened yet a series of events followed.  And they all mattered.  I was depressed.  I did not know why but I got my body moving and focused on things outside of me.

I did mundane things like feeding our dogs and cats and filling their water bowls.  I stepped out of the house briefly and realized it was an absolutely gorgeous day in January–forty-four degrees and I wanted to spend part of the day outside.

I scattered sunflower seed and regular bird seed on the ground.  I filled one bird feeder with sunflower seed.  I know I will stare out my living window and watch the antics of the birds during the day.

I did other tasks like taking out the trash.  The discovery of my new mittens which I had misplaced brought a smile to my face.  I reminded myself we had dinner in the refrigerator.  I made a pot roast last night and there was still plenty left over.

I was still depressed but I was physically moving which was a good thing.  Sometimes you just don’t know exactly why you are depressed but I know it will end.  I did not give in to it.  That was the important thing.  I don’t always understand my moods.

I Was Just Depressed

Author: siggy

I was just depressed.  The holidays were done.  It was January and the winter and cold were here to stay.  At least for three months.  My future prospects did not seem good.

I always wondered how it would be not to live in a temperate climate–something I have done all my life.  My nephew did his undergraduate work at Berkeley and once he had a taste of living in a climate where it does not get too cold, he wanted to go back.

I always wondered how it would be.  I have never been to California.  And never liked the cold although spring was always my favorite season.  I just wanted to get through another winter and it was just beginning and I was depressed by all that.  And did not know what to do but just to bear it and wear warmer clothing and stay in and somehow keep warm.