I did mundane things like feeding our dogs and cats and filling their water bowls.  I stepped out of the house briefly and realized it was an absolutely gorgeous day in January–forty- four degrees and I wanted to spend part of the day outside.

I scattered sunflower seed and regular bird seed on the ground.  I filled one bird feeder with sunflower seed.  I know I will stare out my living window and watch the antics of the birds during the day.

I did other tasks like taking out the trash.  The discovery of my new mittens which I had misplaced brought a smile to my face.  I reminded myself we had dinner in the refrigerator.  I made a pot roast last night and there was still plenty left over.

I was still depressed but I was physically moving which was a good thing.  Sometimes you just don’t know exactly why you are depressed but I know it will end.  I did not give in to it.  That was the important thing.  I don’t always understand my moods.

For a long time I assumed I might live somewhere to the ripe old age of maybe eighty or ninety (that is how long my mother and father lived respectively) but now I am not sure I will make it to sixty-five.  I am now sixty one now.

I did not know how to openly discuss my fears on death.  Or at least I was afraid to.  I did fall into a depression.  I realized my staying away was a a way I had of indicating in a passive way there was something seriously wrong with me.  I had been going regularly –every Sunday morning to my little church.

The holidays reminded me, particularly, I was separated from my kids.  It reminded me of my divorce.  I was always glad when Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year were over.

There are such high expectations during the Christmas season.  I could never meet them.  I was, also, afraid of disappointing people around me.

Of course, this year I had health concerns and was trying to figure out what control I could exert in that area.  My depression was an accumulation of many things–a lot of which was not in my control.

I was not going to do any thing rash.  I was just going to ride it out.  I know most of the depression would lift when the new year came.  That was comforting to know.  And that was all I needed to know.  My depression would end.

I walked into his office flustered, stating “My wife is driving me crazy “!  And my doctor immediately retorted, “Isn’t that what all wives do?”  I felt like he gave me back my life.  I was not that unusual.

I have been dealing with depression after meeting with my nephrologist several weeks ago.  I mentioned that to the other doctor and he said, “That seems perfectly normal considering the life changes the other doctor was contemplating you undergoing.”

I felt better after his statement.  It did not take away my depression but at least I felt it was normal being depressed under those circumstances.  And I just had to work through it.

That is why it is so important not to isolate yourself.  When you talk to others outside the home you often find out other people are experiencing the same thing or what you are going through is perfectly normal.

You never find out those things out if you stay in your house and do not talk to others.  An apt word spoken just at the right time can soothe your fears which often run wild if kept to themselves.

Remember, ‘No man is an island’.  These words of John Donne have calmed many a person when they decided to stop isolating themselves.  It is amazing how many times the right advice can soothe yours fears that have run wild in the confines of your home.

We are really wired to be social “animals” and have much more in common with one another than we realize but we have to take a chance and reach out to others.  Then we find that out.  It is not necessary to do it alone.

This realization has become sharper to me:  I may not make it to my seventieth birthday.  I am trying to work through my depression that descended after my last visit with my nephrologist.  The report was not good.

I did some research and found out the mortality rate of people put on dialysis was depressing:  over twenty per cent die the first year and over two thirds in a five year period.

I could be facing my end.  Material things did not matter much any more.  Time can not be bought.  It is the most precious thing you possess.  This was all brought to the forefront.  And I did not want to waste it.

Somehow you need to break it.  In the beginning it is very difficult.  I was there.  I started to think of everything I should be grateful for.

Some things were material like the fence we made taller this year so all our dogs could be contained in our yard.  One dog could jump the fence and we wanted him to run wild again.

Four dogs who love me all in their own way was a thing to be thankful for.  I had a special relationship with one–”Tilla.”  That was no small thing.

I had to look for a crack in my depression.  At first it would be small but if I continued it would get bigger and bigger.  Finding things to be grateful for was a start.

My depression further increased when I learned only a third of the people undergoing dialysis survive five years and there was , also, a greater chance of of stroke and heart disease.

Suddenly I realized I might not make it even to sixty- five.  My mortality became real.  Everyone knows that they are going to die eventually but act as if death will never come and when it does others act surprised and think it is a terrible thing.

I wanted to talk openly about this latest development but I felt odd bringing it up with certain loved ones and friends.  Death has become a taboo.  It is not discussed openly in our society.

I did not want sympathy.  I did not want others to feel sorry for me.  Instinctively I knew who I could not discuss my situation with.  I felt odd with them.

With those people when they ask me how I am doing, I just say “fine.”  I really wanted someone to listen, to be able to share my fears –my fears of hopelessness, of being in pain and discomfiture, dependent on others, afraid of losing my mental facilities.

I just wanted to go out in grace and peace.  Death was knocking.  There are no certainties.  It just did not look good.  I will grab every bit of control I can in my situation.  I just did not want to do it alone.

When you make the effort to leave your private circle and talk to other people your problems fade a bit:  you find out talking to other people that they have problems, too.

They may be different than yours but when you make the effort to go out of the house you find out is everyone is dealing with something.

Depression isolates yourself and your problems are magnified out of proportion.  When you stay in your house, you never find out this.

When you force yourself to mingle with others (and this can be very difficult in a depressed state) you invariably find out you are not alone:  everyone is dealing with something.

If you give in to your inclination not to be with anyone your depression becomes deeper and deeper so fight that desire to keep to yourself.  It is always helpful when you the leave the confines of your home.  Your problems always seem smaller.

I would be more careful with those two things.  Both of them I had control of.  I just had to exert it.  Too much of the TV I watched revolved around mayhem and murder and the music I listened to was simply not very edifying.

I certainly can avoid both.  It would take awhile but I was acting as if I had no control of my moods and was a victim.

Let me see what happens if I become more careful of the TV programs I watched as well as the music I took in.

What if I played music and TV that was more edifying?  Maybe my depression would lift or my moods would improve.  It certainly was worth trying.

And I imagine if I looked at my life more carefully there would be other things that were more in my control but I will start off with these two things.

Depression can be very selfish (and my intent is certainly not to make people who are in the midst of depression to feel guilty).  Nevertheless depression can numb you, prevent you from seeing very clearly and all you can do is to look at your life and deal with the next thing that has priority.  Then when you do the next thing another next thing shows up in your life.

Sometimes you are depressed because you are doing so little and doing the next thing will help eventually lift your depression.  Forcing yourself to physically move is a good thing whether or not you feel like it.

In the beginning it takes extra energy to get going.  Continually doing the next thing may get you going.  In the beginning it will take a bit of faith for you will not feel like moving.  Depression can be a deceiver.

If everyday you keep doing the next thing, before you know you will be more in control of your life and there will be less “loose ends”.  The advice from the bible is very wise, ‘Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.’

There are tasks that have to be done every day despite how we feel.  These tasks that have to be performed every day prevent us from giving in to our feelings.  We absolutely have to do these daily things.

A job can be like that.  No matter how you feel you have to perform your job.  Depression can make you very self centered.  Tasks you have to do, that get you going and out of your self can be a good thing.  Thank God for habits.

I need to thank God for every blessing — to have a sense of gratitude for my life.  Gratitude is my center.  I think less of me when I go back there.  There is so much I have to be thankful for.

Sitting in my driveway is our new used vehicle which was only possible to buy because my family (my two sisters and my aunt) contributed money toward a purchase of another car.

It is so easy to forget your blessings and get into a unforgiving cycle.  When you start thanking God for your every blessing, miracles happen.  You no longer have the luxury of wallowing in self-pity.

That is what I have to do today–keep returning to my center, develop a sense of gratitude for my every blessing.  Then depression just evaporates.

Somehow you need to examine your life and see what is on the surface, see what is bothering you.  It is often an accumulation of many small things.  Each small matter that you can exert some or more control of the sooner your depression will lift.

In this state it is usually a good idea to baby yourself a bit.  Start doing things that usually give you pleasure.  In the beginning it may be hard to remember the things you did in the past that always gave you pleasure but start somehow.

Just be patient, your depression will probably lift given enough time.  Just start.  Obtain solace from the fact depressions usually are temporary:  they will lift but you have to exert the power or control in your life you can.  It just takes time and effort.

And remember in the beginning, it will take greater effort:  an object at rest to get going will take greater energy and once you get moving it will take less and less extra energy to keep going.  So be patient in the beginning with your inertia (your state of depression).  It will get easier and easier as your depression eases but you have to make a greater effort in the beginning.

And by no means am I am saying to forgo professional help if you need it.  It may mean being put on an anti-depressant to buy time while you learn better coping mechanisms.  There is never shame in seeking the help of a doctor or counseling or both if you can not come out of your depression by yourself.  You do not have to do it alone.

Isolation is bad for your problems become magnified.  And when you reach out to others your problems fade into the background.

The truth is every one has problems.  Solving them is what makes life interesting.  The only people who do not have problems are under ground.  So relish yours and at the same time reach out to others in need.  ‘No man is an island’ in the words of John Donne.

Nothing happens in a vacuum including depression.  There is an intricate relationship between our body and our mind.  My depression is telling me something is wrong, something needs correcting.  I need to take better care of myself.  I have to learn to listen to my body and mind.  Sometimes depression is just a physical thing.  Fatigue is often a factor.  Everyone has limits.  I have to observe mine.