Siggy's Blurbs: Siggy's Edge of Country …

I want to grow old gracefully.  I am slowing down physically.  A nap in the middle of the day is almost an necessity.  I do not want to complain about my ailments.  My Mom did not like it when I told her, “When you get old, parts don’t work right any longer.”  I am well aware that the fact my kidney function has stabilized the last three years is totally by the grace of God.  Dialysis has not yet been necessary.  Everything is by grace.  I know my time will come and I will return to dust.  No one lives forever.  And we act as if we should.  Death is the last taboo.  I just want to get older with dignity and grace.  That is my only prayer.

Tags: aging, death, death is taboo, dialysis, everything-is-by-grace, get older with dignity and grace, God, grace of God, grow old gracefully, health, kidney function, my only prayer, my time will come, no one lives forever, return to dust, take a nap
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I never gave my left arm any thought.  They operated on it in the last week.  It was a surgical procedure to ready me for dialysis.  Now I have some idea how my friend David feels:  He is a guitarist who has to be careful how much he plays because he has a “bad” wrist.

My arm was sore and if I use it too much it hurts even more.  I never gave my left arm any thought.  What else am I taking for granted?  I can’t drive too well and Christmas is coming up.

I don’t feel like shopping.  Now the holiday is two weeks away and I do not feel like ordering gifts via the internet.  And it is getting too late to do so.  I just can’t do a whole lot with a sore left arm.  It is hard not to feel sorry for myself.

Tags: Christmas, Christmas shopping, dialysis, feel sorry for myself, gifts, God, guitarist, internet, my left arm is sore, surgical operation
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I tried to answer the not so small question: What is in my control? I have been grabbling (???) with depression for two months. This morning I tried to stop and ask myself that question.

The answers are not so easily forthcoming. Dialysis is on the horizon. There are financial concerns. And I can’t seem to shake my depression.

There is the trust to help me when I need it. And the inheritance from my aunt down the road. But money and things don’t seem to satisfy me.

It has to go beyond that. The holidays are coming. And that is always a hard time for me but I have to keep asking myself: What is in my control? It is difficult to see that right now.

Tags: depression, dialysis, financial concerns, God, holidays, money and things don't satisfy, what is in my control
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Time is the most precious thing you possess.  All of a sudden, money does not mean anything when you realize your time is running out.

This realization has become sharper to me:  I may not make it to my seventieth birthday.  I am trying to work through my depression that descended after my last visit with my nephrologist.  The report was not good.

I did some research and found out the mortality rate of people put on dialysis was depressing:  over twenty per cent die the first year and over two thirds in a five year period.

I could be facing my end.  Material things did not matter much any more.  Time can not be bought.  It is the most precious thing you possess.  This was all brought to the forefront.  And I did not want to waste it.

Tags: cannot buy time, depressing, depression, dialysis, do not waste time, face my end, material things do not matter much, money, mortality rate, nephrologist, time, time cannot be bought, time is precious, time running out
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Why can’t people talk openly about death?  It is a mystery but so what.  Death claims us all.  The mortality rate is 100 per cent but no one wants to talk about it.

We act as if it is a curse.  When death occurs in a hospital, patients are just whisked away as if they were never there.  No one wants to die alone.  Dying has become very impersonal.  Thus the hospice movement.

All this is running through my mind when my kidney function worsened and my nephrologist said she might put in motion dialysis and I found out only one third of patients on dialysis survived five years and another said 20 per cent died the first year.

All of a sudden it looked as if I will never see seventy–much less the age my parents died (my Mom was eighty and my Dad was ninety).  I am sixty-one.

It has been three weeks since my last visit with my nephrologist and I was depressed.  I needed to talk about my condition but it was not so easy.  People do not talk openly about death except in passing at best.

I even had difficulty with those closest to me–my wife.  On one level we all know we are going to die but we act as if that is never going to happen.  I just asked for one thing:  I wanted to die with grace.  I just wanted to talk about it and there was no one.

Tags: 61 years old, act like we will never die, death, death is a mystery, depressed, dialysis, die alone, die with grace, difficulty talking about death, dying impersonal, hospice, hospital, kidney function, mortality, mortality rate 100 percent, my parents, my wife, needed to talk, nephrologist, no one to talk to, not a curse, patients whisked away, talk openly about death
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All I want you to do is listen, not feel sorry for me.  The prognosis was not good.  My kidney function had declined and I might have to undergo dialysis within a year.

My depression further increased when I learned only a third of the people undergoing dialysis survive five years and there was, also, a greater chance of stroke and heart disease.

Suddenly I realized I might not make it even to sixty-five.  My mortality became real.  Everyone knows that they are going to die eventually but act as if death will never come and when it does others act surprised and think it is a terrible thing.

I wanted to talk openly about this latest development but I felt odd bringing it up with certain loved ones and friends.  Death has become a taboo.  It is not discussed openly in our society.

I did not want sympathy.  I did not want others to feel sorry for me.  Instinctively I knew who I could not discuss my situation with.  I felt odd with them.

With those people when they ask me how I am doing, I just say “fine.”  I really wanted someone to listen, to be able to share my fears–my fears of hopelessness, of being in pain and discomfiture, dependent on others, afraid of losing my mental facilities.

I just wanted to go out in grace and peace.  Death was knocking.  There are no certainties.  It just did not look good.  I will grab every bit of control I can in my situation.  I just did not want to do it alone.

Tags: death, death is taboo, death knocking, dependent, depression, dialysis, discomfiture, discuss death openly, don't feel sorry for me, don't want to do it alone, every bit of control, friends, go out in grace, God, hopelessness, kidney function, listen, loved ones, mental facilities, mortality, pain, peace, prognosis not good, share my fears, society, someone to listen, sympathy, talk openly about death
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The news from my nephrologist was not good:  within a year I might be undergoing dialysis.  One prognosis for patients undergoing dialysis is only a third survive beyond five years.  Your chances of developing heart problems and strokes are greatly increased, also.

If my prognosis is that bad, I am determined to use my remaining time as best as I can.  I am no longer going to spend my time on things that really do not matter.

My wife and I considered putting our affairs in order.  It is time to make a will.  No one knows for sure how long they will have on this earth.  One thing is for certain every person will die but no one wants to talk about it.  It is the final taboo.

I am going to reexamine my life and truly do only what matters to me.  I know now I do not have forever.  The handwriting is on the wall.

Tags: death is the final taboo, dialysis, do not waste time, do only what matters, every person will die, handwriting on the wall, kidney, make a will, my wife, nephrologist, patients, prognosis, put affairs in order, reexamine my life, spend my time
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