My birthday is coming up (and I am just depressed). I can not tell you exactly why although I can guess. Part of that is grief. Most of my life is over. I can’t go back. Wishing is futile. Somehow I need to settle things. My relationship with my daughter is fractured. I don’t know how to repair it. Lectures and judgements don’t do it. I am aware of the ticking time. I am running out of time. I guess, everyone wants to leave a legacy. I am working at getting my first book of poetry out but it is a long and uncertain process. My wife is the only one who really cares about that. She is my editor and a good one. Things really don’t matter. I really don’t know how much time I have left. For that matter, no one knows for sure. I know that somehow I need to make peace with the people who matter to me. I don’t know how. I am just depressed. That is all I know.

I want to thank the people who are in my life.  I know most people will never read this and I will leave out people and I realize Thanksgiving has passed but it is never too late to do this.  All these people take the “extra step” and I do not want to take any of them for granted.

First the medical team

(1) Dr. Hume for your kindness and helpfulness

(2) Dr. Cornelius for your patience

(3) Dr. Blake for her thoroughness

(4) Dr. Mital for your ability to listen

Then,  P & R and Bob and his team who takes care of our cars and keeps them running smoothly, I thank you for your honesty and competence and for standing up to your work even when it costs you and most of all for always giving me the time of day when I have a question about my vehicle

For both of my sisters Fran and Marilyn who are always there when I need them

For Tony for your support:  you know who you are

For Sara, who I have known for over fifteen years and is one of the reasons I still write for her encouragement never abated

For the audience at the local coffeehouse who laughed at my material encouraging me to continue to find the humorous in everyday situations

For Elizabeth Yon wherever you are and the years you spent moderating our writing group

My two kids who years ago I thought I never would have but they came and have blessed me immeasurably

All the many people who God put in my life including those from my small church who have blessed me with their presence

To Sonya who welcomes everyone at the local post office and gives me one more reason why I want to stay in my small town and Perry county

And most of all for my wife who inspires me and still makes me laugh after all these years and came into my life when I was not looking, who thinks she is better than me at Scrabble (she did lose the first ten games she played against me).  As an editor she has no equal.  My website and blog would never have come into being if it was not for her (she is the webmaster).  I “pop” out my bed each morning because of her.  And she bakes a pretty “mean” apple pie.  She gives me a reason to cook.  And that is no small thing.  And after six years she still wants to sleep in our bed.  I call her “serendipity” although she can really be stubborn (for that matter so can I); nevertheless, I thank the Lord every day for her.  I did nothing to deserve her.

Perfectionism is the work of the devil.  Let us take one area, writing.  At each step, I must learn to relax and accept my work.  I have done my best and must rest.

The converse, is to tear out your hair and moan to yourself and tell yourself I could have done better (to whoever you want to compare yourself to).

This attitude is counterproductive.  Always comparing yourself to someone else’s work splits your concentration.  Being always concerned your work does not match up (to whoever) weakens your work.

To write the best you can is to accept your results at every stage of your piece.  There should be only one person you should compare yourself to:  and that is you.

You are unique.  Comparing yourself to anyone else really does not work.  No one can be you.  Trying at every stage to improve your work is fine.  But at every stage, learn to relax and accept the results.

And unfortunately when you write and are concerned whether your work matches up to anyone else, you eventually become paralyzed and stop writing because you have become too anxious.

Wanting to get better and better is normal.  And submitting your work to a trusted editor is good but learn to relax and accept your results at every stage of the piece.  This attitude preserves your sanity and enables you to keep on writing.

There is only one you and no one likes phonies so keep exploring in your writing the unique place you have in this world.  And avoid the trap of perfectionism.  Then you will continue to write the best you can.  And that should be your only goal–to become the best writer you are capable of–and you will.

I call my wife serendipity.  I know I did nothing to deserve her.  I, also, know she is still her.  If I changed her, it is only by love and in ways I could not anticipate.

She certainly is a gift–a New Yorker in spirit.  I grew up in that area.  My editor and a fine graphic artist.  She maintains this site.  I know she complements me.  She is the reason I hop out of bed eager to face the next day.

Every night she sleeps along aside me.  And I know that is no small thing.

When I least expected it, she came along.  I had known her for several years.  She always makes me laugh.  And again that is no small thing.

She encourages me in different ways.  She makes me want to be better, to strive for the stars.  There is so much I can say about her.  These are only a few things in passing.  I am a very lucky man.

Love,
Yours
Siggy

Writing is primarily psychological.  First you have to have something to say.  You need to be driven to reach out to an invisible audience, to solve a problem.  You may even know your end point but may not know how you are going to get there or what you are going to expound in the body of your text.

I never overly concerned about grammar (sic! the “fine editor” decided to leave this one as written!).  I know I can or my fine editor, my lovely and talented wife, can go back easily and tell me this or that needs correcting.  To be driven by passion, conflict is far more important.  If the feelings expressed are genuine they will always come through no matter how badly written the piece is.  Expressing yourself honestly and openly is what the reader responds to–not facile-ness.  It can be well written and say nothing.

Having something to say consistently always means providing quiet time for yourself and being able to listen to what the tiny voice inside of you saying:  “this is truly what is important and I want to express that openly to someone.”  Proverbs in the Bible says:  “Be still and know I am God.”

I am not going to discuss the existence of God in this piece but there is no doubt that one must have periods of reflection to continue to write.  Otherwise that person’s ideas will peter out eventually.  One must let his/her mind roam.  And that process is always psychological.  And that process is always a precursor to writing.