Siggy's Blurbs: Siggy's Edge of Country …

I want to grow old gracefully.  I am slowing down physically.  A nap in the middle of the day is almost an necessity.  I do not want to complain about my ailments.  My Mom did not like it when I told her, “When you get old, parts don’t work right any longer.”  I am well aware that the fact my kidney function has stabilized the last three years is totally by the grace of God.  Dialysis has not yet been necessary.  Everything is by grace.  I know my time will come and I will return to dust.  No one lives forever.  And we act as if we should.  Death is the last taboo.  I just want to get older with dignity and grace.  That is my only prayer.

Tags: aging, death, death is taboo, dialysis, everything-is-by-grace, get older with dignity and grace, God, grace of God, grow old gracefully, health, kidney function, my only prayer, my time will come, no one lives forever, return to dust, take a nap
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Why can’t people talk openly about death?  It is a mystery but so what.  Death claims us all.  The mortality rate is 100 per cent but no one wants to talk about it.

We act as if it is a curse.  When death occurs in a hospital, patients are just whisked away as if they were never there.  No one wants to die alone.  Dying has become very impersonal.  Thus the hospice movement.

All this is running through my mind when my kidney function worsened and my nephrologist said she might put in motion dialysis and I found out only one third of patients on dialysis survived five years and another said 20 per cent died the first year.

All of a sudden it looked as if I will never see seventy–much less the age my parents died (my Mom was eighty and my Dad was ninety).  I am sixty-one.

It has been three weeks since my last visit with my nephrologist and I was depressed.  I needed to talk about my condition but it was not so easy.  People do not talk openly about death except in passing at best.

I even had difficulty with those closest to me–my wife.  On one level we all know we are going to die but we act as if that is never going to happen.  I just asked for one thing:  I wanted to die with grace.  I just wanted to talk about it and there was no one.

Tags: 61 years old, act like we will never die, death, death is a mystery, depressed, dialysis, die alone, die with grace, difficulty talking about death, dying impersonal, hospice, hospital, kidney function, mortality, mortality rate 100 percent, my parents, my wife, needed to talk, nephrologist, no one to talk to, not a curse, patients whisked away, talk openly about death
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All I want you to do is listen, not feel sorry for me.  The prognosis was not good.  My kidney function had declined and I might have to undergo dialysis within a year.

My depression further increased when I learned only a third of the people undergoing dialysis survive five years and there was, also, a greater chance of stroke and heart disease.

Suddenly I realized I might not make it even to sixty-five.  My mortality became real.  Everyone knows that they are going to die eventually but act as if death will never come and when it does others act surprised and think it is a terrible thing.

I wanted to talk openly about this latest development but I felt odd bringing it up with certain loved ones and friends.  Death has become a taboo.  It is not discussed openly in our society.

I did not want sympathy.  I did not want others to feel sorry for me.  Instinctively I knew who I could not discuss my situation with.  I felt odd with them.

With those people when they ask me how I am doing, I just say “fine.”  I really wanted someone to listen, to be able to share my fears–my fears of hopelessness, of being in pain and discomfiture, dependent on others, afraid of losing my mental facilities.

I just wanted to go out in grace and peace.  Death was knocking.  There are no certainties.  It just did not look good.  I will grab every bit of control I can in my situation.  I just did not want to do it alone.

Tags: death, death is taboo, death knocking, dependent, depression, dialysis, discomfiture, discuss death openly, don't feel sorry for me, don't want to do it alone, every bit of control, friends, go out in grace, God, hopelessness, kidney function, listen, loved ones, mental facilities, mortality, pain, peace, prognosis not good, share my fears, society, someone to listen, sympathy, talk openly about death
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I felt odd discussing my health situation:  I went to my nephrologist (a kidney doctor) for the second time.  The report of my condition was worst than I thought:  my kidney function was down to twenty per cent and my doctor in the next visit was going to discuss  putting me in dialysis.  It takes six to twelve months to put into motion.

I started to mull over what this meant.  A loss of my freedom.  I could not easily go away.  I had dreamed for forty years to travel to San Francisco maybe even by train (I loved train rides).  I would visit my sister whose house I had never seen and my brother-in-law who I have never met.  This would be almost impossible to do once I started dialysis.  I could at most go away for a day or two at a time.

I was reeling from this news.  I did not want to bear it alone.  Sharing it with others meant reminding them of their own mortality.  And death was the last taboo so I could not discuss my situation so easily with others.  I felt all alone.

Time all of a sudden became very valuable.  I did have a window.  I am going to take the trip that I dreamed to take for most of my life before I start my dialysis.  You only live once.

Tags: bear it alone, brother-in-law, death, death the last taboo, felt all alone, God, health, kidney doctor, kidney function, loss of freedom, mortality, my sister, nephrologist, reeling from news, San Francisco, share, time very valuable, train ride, window of time, you only live once
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I was depressed today: I went to a nephrologist yesterday. My kidney function is worst than I thought–28 per cent function. There are some things in my control: I can restrict my salt intake, lower my cholesterol and keep an eye on my blood pressure. Anyway, I walked out of that office depressed and stayed there the next morning.

I have to make a conscious decision. Either God is in control of my life (or He isn’t). If He is, I have to do my part, then I can relax in his Arms. I have to remind myself God is always in control.

He will take care of me. My time is His time. It is not really up to me when He will take me to Heaven. I have to pray He will take care of me, He is always in control. No matter what happens. My time here is always short. Our lives are but a vapor. Maybe, if I can keep those ideas in mind and pray constantly, my depression will eventually lift. After all I belong to Him.

Tags: blood pressure, cholesterol, depressed, depression will lift, God is in control, God will take care of me, Heaven, I belong to God, kidney function, life is a vapor, my time is His time, nephrologist, pray, prayer, relax in God's arms, salt
Posted in death, God, health, knowledge&learning, life, local, love, mental health, relationships, time, wisdom | 2 Comments »