I don’t have to feel or think perfectly to thrive.  I have a bipolar disorder and I know certain symptoms persist but I ignore them and realize it is my brain tricking me.

People who are older understand this perfectly.  Their mobility may have become limited and also have other diminishing illnesses but that is okay.  You do your best and you do not complain.

Sure every disturbing thought of mine can be extinguished but at a heavy price:  I no longer would be able to function at the drug regiment (???) that would accomplish that.

I just know my subconscious can annoy me with disturbing thoughts that make me anxious but so what.  I do take the meds that lower this threshold.

I refuse not to do the things that I enjoy simply because my brain (or subconscious) is not totally cooperating.  I still do what gives me pleasure as much as I can realizing fully there are times it will be more difficult to do certain things.

At certain times I avoid crowded areas particularly restaurants fully aware that in certain states it will be more difficult to deal with my thoughts but If I have to go out to dinner I just go.

Somewhere your personality can be found in that “book” some psychiatrists use but so what.  Every person is different and flawed.  You (and other people) simply have to accept that.

I keep a close eye on my sleep patterns.  If I am sleeping regularly nine or ten hours and all of a sudden my sleep falls to seven hours a night my alarm is set off and I view my other behavior.  I do enlist the help of my wife when I do this (and this can be hard to do).  And sometimes my wife initiates this review.

Am I losing my temper more frequently?  Have I become agitated (like I am crawling out of my skin)?  What kind of music am I listening to?  Is it music to rev myself up?  How am I feeling when I listen to this music?  Am I becoming more euphoric?  Has there been a surge in self-confidence?  Am I talking more?

There are other signs.  One particular one I can’t ignore:  Am I becoming more anxious in public–maybe even a little paranoid?  All this self examination is set off by a change of sleep patterns. That is one sign I can’t ignore.

All this was taught to me by my doctor decades ago.  I have some control.  I will not go out of control. One of my meds will need to be increased and then some of these symptoms will subside.  I will start sleeping better in a few days.

When I realize I am undergoing another episode I call my med nurse who consults my doctor and they discuss what to do and the nurse gets back to me.  I am lucky:  the community mental health center I go to is very well run and I can rely on them.

I have gone through these episodes dozens of times.  I know now what to expect. I do not change my life abruptly when I am in this cycle although I recognize I might sleep a little less. I might make some adjustment like not going out in public as much if it is too difficult until this cycle ends. (They usually last four or five months.)

I know when this period is ended:  My sleep patterns become more normal. I will start sleeping more every night regularly.  And at that point I can go back to my normal dosage of the med I increased. My episode is done.

The one thing I know for certain about my depression is this:  it will end.  That is no small discovery.  Sometimes I can figure out why and sometimes not, but one thing I know for certain it will end.  Yes, I still have periods of them.  Maybe, I am fortunate my spells of depression do not usually last more than a few hours.  There were times in my life when this was not true:  they went on for weeks and months at a time and now the spells of depression I have usually do not last more than several hours.  I have to take meds although none of them are anti-depressants.  One of them is a mood stabilizer.  When in the throes of depression it is like being in a deep well and it is so dark you can not see the sides and the light but I am always comforted by the knowledge the depression will lift.  I just don’t know exactly when.