Siggy's Blurbs: Siggy's Edge of Country …

My Dad was dead twelve years and I was still angry at him.  I still remember the last conversation I had with him and he said he was more impressed with the million dollars his future son-in-law made selling his company than anything I did.  My writing did not matter to him.  I tried to tell him, maybe, my words might have more effect on people than my future brother-in-law’s money.  It was to no avail.  Money meant more to him than anything else.  I never got “the blessing” from him.  And even today, years later I was still angry about his rejection of who I was.  He was the one person I wanted to please.  And even now the hurt and pain has not gone away.

Tags: "the blessing", angry, brother-in-law, hurt and pain, million dollars, money, my Dad, my words, rejection, son-in-law, wanted to please, writing
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My Dad was dead twelve years and I was still angry at him.  I still remember the last conversation I had with him and he said he was more impressed with the million dollars his future son-in-law made selling his company than anything I did.  My writing did not matter to him.  I tried to tell him, maybe, my words might have more effect on people than the money my future brother-in-law made.  It was to no avail.  Money meant more to him than anything else.  I never got “the blessing” from him.  And even today, years later I was still angry about his rejection of who I was.  He was the one person I wanted to please.  And he just could not do it.  And even now years later the hurt and pain had not gone away.

Tags: "the blessing", angry, hurt and pain, I wanted to please him, last conversation with my Dad, million dollars, my Dad, my writing, rejection
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She came out of nowhere.  I asked my young nurse (during my brief hospital stay) where she was from:  she said, “Bricktown, New Jersey.”  I immediately asked her if that was near Lakewood.  And then asked her a flurry of questions.

She knew about Winwood Beach.  It was a vacation spot on the Manasquan River we often rented a bungalow for the weekend.  It could have been forty years the last time I was there.  I assumed the owner sold it a long time ago and the land was built on.  I was thrilled to find out it now was a park.

I used to love getting up in the morning to flush the cottontails.  There were the barn swallows who inhabited a garage there who would dive bomb every time I would go there near there.  I also picked wild blue berries in South Jersey every year.

Winwood Beach was the place where I used to throw rocks at the blackbirds perched at the barbed wire and once I hit one breaking his wing.  That was the last time I ever threw a rock at a bird.  The Beach was also not too far from The Atlantic Ocean.

She was familiar with Ocean County Park.  My Dad loved that park.  We lived two hours away but we often went there for the day.  My father upon entering that park would make sure the car windows were down so the smell of the virgin pines tree needles could drift in.

I also asked her about the park on the lake on route nine in Lakewood where we often went.  One memory I had of that place was my sister on a bamboo pole catching the largest yellow perch I had ever seen at the mouth of a stream there.

More of my childhood memories buried came back when I talked to this young nurse.  The conversation, unfortunately, was too brief.  I wanted to continue it but I did not have another opportunity. I owed my father a big debt for introducing me to nature by all our trips to South Jersey.

Tags: Atlantic ocean, barn swallows, birds, blackbirds, Bricktown NJ, cottontails, fish, fishing, Lakewood, Manasquan River, memories, my Dad, nature, nurse, Ocean County Park, South Jersey, vacation spot, virgin pine tree needles, wild blue berries, Winwood Beach, yellow perch
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Every time I pass a river or creek I want to look upstream or downstream. I don’t know always know why. On certain bridges, I hope to spot a great egret or a snowy egret, a considerably smaller bird, although both are completely white.

It always has something to do with the unknown. I never know exactly what to expect. Even when the river is parallel to the road I still try to peer between the rapidly passing trees to see what I could see.

Every body of water fascinates me from no matter from what vantage point I view it–car, train, whatever. I have been this way as long as I remember.

I keep my eyes peeled for any ducks or other kind of birds that I pass always wanting to identify them. I was amazed that one of two visiting friends (from NYC) could not identify a bird as common as a male cardinal. I guess you do not see many birds in the middle of the city.

I have always made it my business to name the birds I see. And if I see one I don’t recognize, I try to remember some distinct feature of it so I can consult my bird book and properly identify it.

I always pay attention to the birds around me. I grew up in the city but my Mom had a garden with all kinds of things in it including tomatoes and all kind of flowers, an apricot tree and even a fig tree. And that is, of course, an incomplete list.

On weekends my Dad often took us to the mountains and seashore and lakes. I owe both of my parents a great debt for introducing me to nature. I grew to love birds and took care studying them and loved to identify them–even from a speeding car. I learned to respect nature and the wild.

Tags: apricot tree, bird book, bird-watching, birds, body of water, creek, ducks, fig tree, flowers, garden, great egret, identify birds, introducing me to nature, lakes, male cardinal, mountains, my Dad, my Mom, my parents, nature, NYC, river, seashore, snowy egret, studying birds, tomatoes
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Sometimes our families know us too well (and don’t).  I am just referring now to the family I grew up–particularly my two sisters and my parents (though both dead).

Why is it your immediate family dismisses your gifts?  You have to get validation from the outside?

I remember the last conversation I had with my Dad.  He was much more impressed with the million his future son-in-law made selling his company than anything I did.

It is true I was not successful in making money (or amassing a fortune) but I spent a lifetime writing and none of that mattered.  Only Money.

My two sisters also take my gifts for granted.  Maybe, that is why we have to make friends—people who are not blood.  They choose to be our friend.

They are attracted to us by who we are although it is still disappointing to me that I never was truly appreciated by the family I grew up with.

Tags: amass a fortune, be appreciated by family, immediate family, making money, million dollars, my Dad, our families, our friends, parents, sisters, son-in-law, spend a lifetime writing, success, validation from others, who we are, writer, writing, your gifts
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I thought the tears were gone but they were not ended.  I heard the song Neil Young wrote thirty-seven years ago, “Old Man”, again and I thought of my Dad who died nine years ago.  A little later I burst into tears.

We had such a “rocky” relationship.  Most of my life he did not accept me and we argued a lot particularly about finances:  I knew I did not meet his expectations of a son.  He never told me exactly how.

The last conversation I had with him he told me he was far more impressed with the million dollars his future son-in-law made selling his company than anything I did.

I remember our conversation and was then aware it might be the last time I might talk to him.  He was ninety-one and possibly blind.  His mind was lucid but I had to talk to him slowly.  I tried reasoning with him but to no avail.

He did not value anything I accomplished in my life.  All he valued was money.  I finally gave up and left him in bed.  That was the last time I saw him alive.  He died shortly after.

Although he did not approve of my life I did know the last year or two of his life he loved me.  That was a gift but I wish he would have valued who I truly was a little more.

Anyway, hearing the song “Old Man” brought up memories of my Dad and all the years we “lost”.  I loved him despite how hard he was with me.  In the end he loved me.  That was all that mattered.

Tags: argue about money, expectations, father, God, love, money, my Dad, Neil Young, old age, Old Man, rocky relationship, son, tears, years we lost
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I want to grow old gracefully.  Death is the final frontier.  People do not want to talk about it.  From dust you came and to dust you shall return.  These are not my words.  Everyone knows this is true yet we pretend this will not be our fate.

Sometimes death comes suddenly:  An heart attack, stroke or even an accident we could not predict.  I want to squeeze every bit of life I can that is given to me.  And go out gracefully.

My Dad lived until ninety one, my Mom eighty.  I do not know for sure if I will make it any where near that.  Yes, I will take good care of me, eat properly, exercise and sleep properly but death is not my calling.

It is God’s timing and if God gives me more time I will accept it with grace.  Love those around me.  After all that is what life is about:  Love, work and grace.  Wasn’t that Freud’s definition of health:  to be able to work and love.

I can not think of a better definition of health–to be able to love and work.  That sums it all up.  When my day comes I hope there will be a celebration of a life well spent, of a life of a person who truly loved the people around them.

Amen.

Tags: able to love and work, Amen, Bible, celebrate life, death, dust-to-dust, Freud, God, God's timing, grace, grow old gracefully, health, life well spent, love, love those around you, my Dad, my Mom, take good care of me, work
Posted in beauty, death, God, health, knowledge&learning, life, local, love, marriage, mental health, relationships, seasons, time, wisdom, writing, your job/mission/profession | No Comments »