Somehow I felt relieved after both of my parents died.  I could be my own person easier.  They were not telling me I did not match up any longer or something I was doing wasn’t right.  My father never told me exactly how I did not match up.  I just knew I didn’t.  I had gotten into debt and that was a cardinal sin and I did not make much money.  That is what he was impressed by–money.  Nothing I did.  Mom was overly concerned about appearances.  Looking right to the rest of the world.  I did not have to deal with any of that any longer.  They were not looking over my shoulders any longer.  I was just relieved.

‘If you don’t count your money, it will count itself,’ my father used to say something like that in his broken English.  He had a point:  if you are not careful with the purchases you make, you will run out of money.  You have to budget, so you have enough money for all your essentials.  Otherwise if you spend unwisely, you run out of money.  I think about my father’s words every once in awhile.  He was a wise man in his own way.

The Edge Of Country

Author: siggy

I have always lived at the edge of country.  Of course, some people are more divorced from it if they are surrounded by concrete but it is always there you just have to look a little harder.

Growing up I watched my mother plant vegetables and flowers and other things.  We had a mulberry and fig and apricot tree and some of the biggest blackberries I have ever seen.

It was a small plot of land but she tilled it well.  We had fresh string beans and tomatoes.  She loved roses.  The garden was a place she could disappear in.  And she often did for hours.

We lived in a bustling little city but that garden we had was an introduction to many things.  I learned to love deep red stemmed roses.

On weekends my father brought us into the country, mountains and shore but most of my life I lived in the edge of country.  I learned to appreciate what came my way.

Today I still love birds.  I have several bird feeders that I can view from our large living room windows and watch a steady parade of chickadees and titmouse and woodpeckers just to name a few.

It all started in Mom’s garden and the weekend trips we took as a family.  I learned to love the mountains and trees and lakes and and so many other things.

I could not understand why I did not want to go to church.  Today I did.  It has been going on for two months.  Today it hit me.  I did not know how to discuss the prognosis of my doctor.

For a long time I assumed I might live somewhere to the ripe old age of maybe eighty or ninety (that is how long my mother and father lived respectively) but now I am not sure I will make it to sixty-five.  I am now sixty-one now (???).

I did not know how to openly discuss my fears on death.  Or at least I was afraid to.  I did fall into a depression.  I realized my staying away was a way I had of indicating in a passive way there was something seriously wrong with me.  I had been going regularly–every Sunday morning to my little church.