Siggy's Blurbs: Siggy's Edge of Country …

I don’t know why it is so hard to get rid of old letters–some decades old. Some memories I don’t want to delve in any longer yet I save the faded correspondence. Cards with nothing notable on them I trash easily. Some letters from my sister I wonder about. The memories seem so far away. Some are bad, some are good. Once in awhile a photo drops out of the letter and the passage of time is revealed. Was I really that young once? I have grown old. I don’t want to to rid myself entirely of past memories. Friends and lovers.

And I know when I am gone someone else will probably trash them. I just can’t bear to throw away most of my letters. Part of my life is embodied in those letters. It is so hard–patches of my history, my life is everywhere. Dates are sometimes important: they mark milestones of my past. I am always surprised how porous my memory is. Friends wrote me letters I have long forgotten. I do toss some. People have fled in the corridors of my mind. It is so hard. Clues of my history, my life is everywhere.

Tags: family, friends, getting old, good and bad memories, greeting cards, i have grown old, lovers, memories, my life, My past is buried in my old letters, old correspondence, old letters, old photos, parting with old letters, passage of time, people long forgotten, Resurrecting the past, sister, throwing away old letters
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Everything is by grace.  Today is a good day to count my blessings.  I am not in dialysis.  My kidney function has stabilized (the last three years).  It is not good but it is livable.  My wife loves me.  And my two sisters and my brother-in-law (and a friend) sent me birthday cards (and one check).  There is so much to be grateful of–two well running cars and a roof over my shoulders.  There is no pressing financial needs.  And I am surrounded by animals I love (in fact, there are eleven in this house).  I love watching the birds out my window.  And now I am waiting for the first hummingbird to find the nectar I just put out.  My life is not perfect but it is good.  I am aware God does not owe anything.  Everything is by grace.  And He owns everything.

Tags: animals I love, be grateful, bird feeding, bird-watching, birds, birthday cards, birthday check, cats, count my blessings, dogs, everything-is-by-grace, God, God does not owe anything, God owns everything, grade, house, hummingbird, kidney function stable, my birthday, my brother-in-law, my friend, my life, my sisters, my wife, nectar, not in dialysis, pets, two cars
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I want to count my blessings.  It is so easy to center on what I call my “lack”.  I am so blessed–materially and all kinds of ways that have nothing to do with things.  I have a wife who loves me.  And all kinds of other people who are glad to see me.  And I have a history with them.  My four dogs and even my cats who really do not pay much attention to me but I appreciate them nevertheless.  My life is not perfect but then, again, whose is?  Of course, this is a short and incomplete list.  I can go on and on but I won’t.  I am just glad to be home.

Tags: appreciate, blessed, cats, count my blessings, dogs, four dogs, friends, glad to be home, God, gratitude, I am so blessed, my life, my wife, pets
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My depression was due to an accumulation of things not from any major event.  I realized that today.  I had to work on one thing at a time and eventually the depression would lift.  I had to look at my life and exert control on the matters that were bothering me.  There were things that were out of my control but nevertheless I could correct some things that had me depressed and were in my control.  I had to exert the power I had and eventually my depression would lift.  One thing at a time.

Tags: depression, depression will lift, in my control, my life, one thing at a time
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Every day I have to count my blessings.  It is so easy to take the bounty God has given you for granted.  At the moment I have four dogs.  You never know when they are going to outlive you.

Usually it is the opposite:  you outlive them but you never know.  Life is, indeed, very precious.  I am enjoying all four dogs at the moment.

There is Tilla who greets me every day eagerly.  He and I have a special relationship.  I never thought there would be another dog like Daisy who was the first dog I raised from a pup.  She usually did not take her eyes off of me.  I mourned when she died of cancer.

But then Tilla came along.  Unlike Daisy, he is eager to please, although a scoundrel.  We built an extension on our fence, at considerable expense, for he liked jumping it.  The only dog who could.

We had one visit from the local warden when one neighbor complained about one of his escapades.  I know he is only on loan to me, will not be around for ever.  I will enjoy him now.  He is a blessing.

There is his sister, the other pup we kept, Coco who is a real darling.  She has a real sweet personality although she can be quite insistent when she want to go out.  I know she is, also, on loan.

Life is very fleeting and I will enjoy these two dogs while I have them.  Nothing is forever.  And that includes my life too.  I will try to be appreciative of all my blessings.  Every thing is by grace.

Tags: be appreciative, built a fence, Coco, count your blessings, Daisy, died of cancer, dog jumped the fence, dog warden, dogs, dogs are on loan, eager to please, everything-is-by-grace, four dogs, God's bounty, life is fleeting, life is precious, mourn, my life, nothing is forever, pets, puppy, scoundrel, sweet personality, take for granted, Tilla
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Your life crystallizes when the end is near.  Let me say, no one knows when his/her end comes.  We continue to keep the illusion our life is forever.  It certainly is an illusion.

Everyone knows the only thing certain is death and taxes to use a cliche.  Yet we act as if that truth is false.

My declining health put this truth in sharper focus again.  I do not want to waste time, which is my most precious resource although there are times I squander it.

I realize the more I can do His will, the more I can fulfill my calling the less regret I have.  I certainly can not tell you what your calling is.  Or what your tiny voice is commanding you to do.

First you have to allow open spaces in your life.  And then you can listen to the tiny voice only you can hear.  And life is full of others who are eager to tell us what to do including our loved ones.

No one knows how much time they have on this earth.  That is a great mystery.  Sometimes when you are ill you think you have an idea how long you have here but you really do not know.

What I do know is the more I listen to that tiny voice nudging me the less anxiety I experience in my own life.  And I am concerned less when that time will come.  Peace of mind usually accompanies doing His will.

I have to face each day prayerfully and allow for those empty spaces so I can listen to that tiny voice only I can hear.

And the more I obey it the more peace of mind I have.  And I thank God for each new dawn I face.  It does not really matter as long as I am doing His will.

Tags: a great mystery, anxiety, declining health, do His will, do not waste time, face each day prayerfully, fulfill my calling, God, how long do we have, illness, illusion, life is forever, my life, new dawn, obey God, only thing certain is death and taxes, open spaces in your life, our loved ones, peace of mind, regrets, squander time, tell us what to do, thank God, the end is near, time is a precious resource, time on earth, truth, your calling, your life crystallizes, your tiny voice
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I never forgot his words.  He gave me back my life.  I had asked my doctor, “Do I have a right to a normal life, maybe to once get married, to have kids one day?”

His response was immediate, ”You have as much right as anyone else!”  I had struggled with a bipolar disorder for over twenty years and had been in and out of hospitals.  I had felt stigmatized by my diagnosis and treatment.  And had felt cursed by my illness.

His immediate response gave me back my life.  I did not know then that within ten years I would get married and two kids would soon follow.  I never forgot his answer.

Tags: bipolar disorder, diagnosis, doctor, felt cursed, gave me back my life, have kids, his answer, hospital, illness, married, mental health, my life, normal life, stigmatized, treatment, twenty years, words
Posted in children, health, knowledge&learning, life, love, marriage, mental health, relationships, time, wisdom | No Comments »