I must be getting old:  Ray Manzarek (from The Doors) died today.  He was seventy-four.  He lived a lot longer than his mate Jim Morrison.  Far too many musicians died early.  Too much fame too early.  Ray, at least, made it to a ripe old age.  Each year someone else dies who I followed in the sixties and seventies.  Of old age.  I feel old, today, although I won’t stay there.  From dust we come and to dust we shall return.  Death and taxes.  We all face that one day.

I thought I was old but it was more than that:  I was old and out of shape.  I spent at least two months slowly working on my conditioning particularly my wind and suddenly I could work for hours and not get tired.  I might have to take a cat nap here or there but that was all it took to continue working.  This discovery thrilled me.  I now developed a new outlook on my life.  To say the least, I was thrilled.  What a discovery to find out my life was not over at sixty two!

I could not understand why I did not want to go to church.  Today I did.  It has been going on for two months.  Today it hit me.  I did not know how to discuss the prognosis of my doctor.

For a long time I assumed I might live somewhere to the ripe old age of maybe eighty or ninety (that is how long my mother and father lived respectively) but now I am not sure I will make it to sixty-five.  I am now sixty-one now (???).

I did not know how to openly discuss my fears on death.  Or at least I was afraid to.  I did fall into a depression.  I realized my staying away was a way I had of indicating in a passive way there was something seriously wrong with me.  I had been going regularly–every Sunday morning to my little church.

When death is knocking at your door, money fades in importance.  It is so easy to delude ourselves:  that your time on this earth is forever.  But when the realization comes it is running out (often due to illness or old age) your money (and possessions) are no longer that important.

All of a sudden other things come to the forefront:  your relationship with loved ones, maybe your legacy also.  Your possessions which maybe you spent a lifetime accumulating do not matter that much.

Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft and the richest person in the whole world, realized that; when he founded with his wife what is today’s largest private foundation pouring in it more and more of his energy and resources (billions of dollars) in that endeavor.

In my case, I can not take my journals, books and music I spent a lifetime collecting with me when I go.  I have to figure out what is truly important in my life.  I do not want to waste time.

Often when someone faces his/her deathbed and realizes the way they spent their time really does not matter.  Your impending death shifts your priorities and also forces you to reexamine your value system.

Too many people die alone because they did not invest time in others.  Did not Jesus say, “When you lose your life, you find it”.  I think that is a paraphrase.

When you are in the dusk of your life, you find out the most valuable commodity you possess is time.  All the money in the world can not buy you one more minute on earth.

That realization forces you to examine your life carefully.  It is never too late to make a change although it is easy to regret the time you lost in fruitless endeavors.  You can never turn back the clock but there is always today.

I really do not understand why your own death is so hard to contemplate.  At some point everyone knows that we will live not live forever but we act as if death is a failure and is a great thing that should not happen.

Just look at the reaction of the public when someone famous and young dies suddenly.  How could have this happened everyone wonders.  Yet we know we have no way to know the timing of our own death.  Sometimes it happens at the end of the struggle at the end of a long illness or simply due to old age:  our bodies just wore out.

Sometimes death occurs quickly and totally unexpected perhaps due to a accident or unexpected fatal occurrence.  No one wants to discuss their own impending death.  And even after it occurs others often act as if it was a great curse.

Death really makes your life much sweeter.  It forces you to consider your life choices more carefully.  Just think how horrible it would be if each person knew they would live forever.

The knowledge your life is finite forces you to consider carefully the steps and decisions you are going to make, the people you choose to spend time with, your career.  We only get one time around.

Death has become a great taboo and has become really impersonal.  Far more people today die in hospitals.  And when that occurs, the supporting staff just sweeps your body away as if you were never there.

No one wants to die alone.  The impersonal nature of death has led to the hospice movement which tries to restore dignity to your impending death.

It was not needed several decades ago when most people died at home usually surrounded by their loved ones.  No one wants to die alone.

Death is really natural.  It happens to every one.  The sooner you can realize that the more precious the time on this earth becomes.  This realization causes you to make your life more meaningful.  As I said earlier you only go around once, so make the best of it.

I thought the tears were gone but they were not ended.  I heard the song Neil Young wrote thirty-seven years ago, “Old Man”, again and I thought of my Dad who died nine years ago.  A little later I burst into tears.

We had such a “rocky” relationship.  Most of my life he did not accept me and we argued a lot particularly about finances:  I knew I did not meet his expectations of a son.  He never told me exactly how.

The last conversation I had with him he told me he was far more impressed with the million dollars his future son-in-law made selling his company than anything I did.

I remember our conversation and was then aware it might be the last time I might talk to him.  He was ninety-one and possibly blind.  His mind was lucid but I had to talk to him slowly.  I tried reasoning with him but to no avail.

He did not value anything I accomplished in my life.  All he valued was money.  I finally gave up and left him in bed.  That was the last time I saw him alive.  He died shortly after.

Although he did not approve of my life I did know the last year or two of his life he loved me.  That was a gift but I wish he would have valued who I truly was a little more.

Anyway, hearing the song “Old Man” brought up memories of my Dad and all the years we “lost”.  I loved him despite how hard he was with me.  In the end he loved me.  That was all that mattered.

bballMy twenty year old daughter observed, “You are not too old for you can still play basketball.”  Basketball is a game I have loved all my life.  There still is something esthetically pleasing to me about being able to shoot a basketball through the hoop.  If I can do it without touching the rim, it is even better.

I am sixty-one and not foolhardy enough to play a running game with the youth.  I am afraid to play with the abandon I used to in my youth.  I still find my daughter’s observation interesting.

I have loved basketball as far back as I can remember.  I was only a mediocre player but still loved playing.  I made up for my lack of talent with tenaciousness on the court.  I was not afraid of playing against anyone, any size.  Those days are over but I still enjoy shooting basketballs and see no reason to stop.

I can still use the sport to get back my wind and do that by shooting from different corners of the court and increasing the tempo gradually.  All I need is a basketball and some warmer weather.  I had forgotten how much I still love the game.  My daughter reminded me of that.  God bless her for that.