Siggy's Blurbs: Siggy's Edge of Country …

All I want you to do is listen, not feel sorry for me.  The prognosis was not good.  My kidney function had declined and I might have to undergo dialysis within a year.

My depression further increased when I learned only a third of the people undergoing dialysis survive five years and there was, also, a greater chance of stroke and heart disease.

Suddenly I realized I might not make it even to sixty-five.  My mortality became real.  Everyone knows that they are going to die eventually but act as if death will never come and when it does others act surprised and think it is a terrible thing.

I wanted to talk openly about this latest development but I felt odd bringing it up with certain loved ones and friends.  Death has become a taboo.  It is not discussed openly in our society.

I did not want sympathy.  I did not want others to feel sorry for me.  Instinctively I knew who I could not discuss my situation with.  I felt odd with them.

With those people when they ask me how I am doing, I just say “fine.”  I really wanted someone to listen, to be able to share my fears–my fears of hopelessness, of being in pain and discomfiture, dependent on others, afraid of losing my mental facilities.

I just wanted to go out in grace and peace.  Death was knocking.  There are no certainties.  It just did not look good.  I will grab every bit of control I can in my situation.  I just did not want to do it alone.

Tags: death, death is taboo, death knocking, dependent, depression, dialysis, discomfiture, discuss death openly, don't feel sorry for me, don't want to do it alone, every bit of control, friends, go out in grace, God, hopelessness, kidney function, listen, loved ones, mental facilities, mortality, pain, peace, prognosis not good, share my fears, society, someone to listen, sympathy, talk openly about death
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What is worst than death?  A few suggestions.  Living and dying at the same time.

Knowing you really do not care how you are spending most of your time.

Knowing deep inside your job is the wrong one and you refuse or are too scared to make any change.

There are too many unresolved conflicts in your life.

Your marriage is “dead” and you are “paralyzed”.

Each day is the same.

You no longer can see beauty.

All you can do is complain.

Money is more important than people.

Each day is not new and blends into each other and you wonder how you spent your time.

In fact, you have no idea where the time went.

Love just seems to be too idealistic.

You can not love or work.

All you feel is pain.

You can not get past your pain.

You forgot how to laugh.

Each day is not a new dawn.

You think you have to go to some far off exotic island, to escape, to enjoy your vacation.

You can not wait to do that.

All your friends have died.

You forgot how to be a friend.

This is just an incomplete list.

And I want to caution there is always two sides to everything.

And it is only my list.

Tags: be a friend, beauty, can no longer see beauty, complain, each day is the same, forgot how to laugh, friends die, God, love, marriage, money, new dawn, pain, scared, time, unresolved conflict, work, worse than death, wrong job
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It is a four letter word — “pain”.  That more than anything in my life has initiated change.  My pastor yesterday related the story of Noah and the flood and of course the ark.  He said the storm comes first, then the promises of God represented by the rainbow.  Another way of saying the same thing is that God will always take care of you.  The 23rd Psalm states, ‘I will walk you through the shadow of death’, — not around but through.  Ecclesiastes, the book in the Bible written by King Solomon says, ‘Bad things happen even to good people.’  Storms always come or trials which is another way of saying the same thing.  Then the rainbow follows, which represents the promises of God.  God never forsakes us.  You never are able to see the big picture:  ‘God has set eternity in our lives’ (Ecclesiastes, again).  Life does not always make sense nor is it always fair.  If you insist on all that, you will torture yourself unnecessarily.  Pain and trials always come.  If your life ran smoothly all the time not only would your life be boring but there would be no need to ever learn how to overcome problems.  And trials and pain and tragedy come to each person.  No one is exempt.  And again, life is never fair.  And that is how we learn.  Through those trials (and the accompanying pain that follows).

Tags: 'God has set eternity in our lives', 23rd Psalm, bad things happen to good people, Bible, change, Ecclesiastes, God, God never forsakes us, God will always take care of you, King Solomon, knowledge, learning, life is not always fair, Noah and the ark, overcome problems, pain, pastor, promises of God, shadow of death, storms or trials, the rainbow, trials
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