Siggy's Blurbs: Siggy's Edge of Country …

It is easy to criticize the other.  I am as guilty as the other.  Sometimes all one sees is the flaws of another, the ways the other has failed you.  And when you can’t see beyond that point, that is all you see–the imperfections of that person.

This is a really easy thing to do, just to see where someone has failed you.  And both partners do it.  Our vision becomes myopic.  Faults are all you see.

The good points of your partner (or whoever) become buried in fault finding and criticism.  It is a wicked cycle.  And one can’t stop pointing out the others mistakes.

I just don’t know how to reverse that process and see, again, the best in someone else.  Sometimes all you can see is blackness and you want to come out of that tunnel and start rediscovering why you were attracted to that person in the first place.  You can only change by small degrees–small steps.  This is a very difficult thing to do, especially in the face of negativity.  All I can do is pray and ask for His help above.

Tags: change, criticism, easy to criticize, fault finding, faults, flaws, God, good points, His help, imperfections, myopic vision, negativity, partner, pointing out mistakes, pray, see the best in someone, small steps
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Telling your partner “I am sorry I hurt you” alone does not cut it. Somehow you have to stop the behavior which has hurt your partner over and over.

Your partner wants you to apologize and it starts there but she/he wants you to stop the offending behavior. Somehow your partner wants to trust you again. Every person is flawed. Nevertheless, if you do not stop hurting your partner you can not be trusted further and the apology comes off insincere.

No one wants to be hurt continually. Yes, an sincere apology starts the process toward healing but the next step is to stop hurting your partner the same way.

I know perfectly how flawed I am but I need to make an sincere effort to stop the offending behavior. When that occurs, my partner can gradually trust me again.

It is so easy to point fingers and excuse your behavior. Human beings are masters of deception. Your partner sees you at your worst. Forgiveness at the end of the day is essential for hurts can fester and causes you to explode at situations that are really nothing to do with the reasons you are upset.

Jesus when asked how many times you should be forgiven said, ‘Seventy times Seven.’ The point is each partner has to forgive the other for hurting each other endlessly. There is really no limit to the times you have to forgive the other.

Nevertheless, your partner wants more than an apology: he or she want you to stop your offending behavior. Then your partner will be able to gradually trust you.

Forgiveness is an essential first step. The next step is to stop hurting your partner. It is so easy to point fingers at someone for breakdowns in communication. It is so easy to rationalize your behavior. As I said in the last blog I wrote the only person you have most control of is yourself.

You can not change your behavior just to influence your partner. That is manipulation. Your change has to be genuine and have no strings attached.

Your partner has to be free to accept or reject your new behavior. It is time that enables your partner to trust you again. That is why I said saying you are sorry does not cut it alone. Yes, you have to first be contrite but then you have to change your behavior. That is the true test and determines first whether your partner will trust you again.

The hardest thing is the world is true communication. That takes time and effort and forgiveness and not every one is up to it. Thus so many divorces. I remember a friend once telling me marriage is work (I was single then). I laughed at his statement then. I am no longer laughing at him. He was right.

Tags: apologize, apology, Bible, change behavior, communication, control of yourself, divorce, every person is flawed, excuse your behavior, flawed, forgive each other, forgiveness, genuine, God, healing, hurt your partner, I am sorry, insincere, Jesus, manipulation, marriage is work, partner, point fingers, rationalize, seventy times seven, stop offending behavior, trust, trust you again
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I am convinced that the only reason marriage was put on this earth was to teach one another how to love.  I know I am extremely self-centered and am forced in this relationship to consider another.

Your mate see everything about you.  Given enough time together, your other sees all the different sides of you–the worst as well as the best.

Each partner has rough edges and what ensures the success of the marriage is how well you work our your differences.  That takes time and the process can be rough as it often is and hopefully as time goes some of these rough edges are smoothed out.

Each marriage is incompatible.  Each of us comes from different backgrounds–raised by different people all imperfect.  At best, our childhoods were somewhat similar but sometimes not.

Imagine how boring it would be if we understand each other perfectly.  One lifetime is really not enough time to learn about each other.

Love and forgiveness is the glue that holds a marriage together.  And mystery and mystique drives it.

Tags: childhood, different backgrounds, forgiveness, God, incompatible, love, marriage, mate, mystery, mystique, partner, relationship, rough edges smoothed out, self-centered, teach you how to love, we are all imperfect, work out differences, your mate
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