My birthday is coming up (and I am just depressed). I can not tell you exactly why although I can guess. Part of that is grief. Most of my life is over. I can’t go back. Wishing is futile. Somehow I need to settle things. My relationship with my daughter is fractured. I don’t know how to repair it. Lectures and judgements don’t do it. I am aware of the ticking time. I am running out of time. I guess, everyone wants to leave a legacy. I am working at getting my first book of poetry out but it is a long and uncertain process. My wife is the only one who really cares about that. She is my editor and a good one. Things really don’t matter. I really don’t know how much time I have left. For that matter, no one knows for sure. I know that somehow I need to make peace with the people who matter to me. I don’t know how. I am just depressed. That is all I know.

Peace always revolves around grace.  Each party commits mistakes.  Conflict always exists.  There can not be peace without grace.  And grace does not come about without forgiveness.

If you talk about conflict between nations, there are always atrocities committed by both parties.  Conflict is on-going.  The only thing that breaks the vicious cycle is forgiveness.  We don’t earn that.  Only grace enables a nation to forgive the other.  Then the cycle is broken.  It is done one person at a time.

Let us get more specific.  Let us talk briefly about Iraq.  Thousands of civilians in that country lost their lives in the fray and civil unrest.  No one talks about them.  Many civilians died.  Many people are mourning their close relatives who died there.  Yes, many Americans died there or were injured, too.  And their survivors are mourning them, also.

There is only one thing that will stop the carnage–forgiveness brought on by grace.  And as I said before you can’t earn it.  Each party has to forgive the other.  Vengeance does not solve anything.  That only happens by grace.

The face of evil just changes. When Communism died, people thought peace will now reign in the world. The Berlin Wall fell.  That did not happen.

In fact, we may be embroiled in more wars (the world that is) than in any time in history.  Evil always has existed.  The devil is always doing his handiwork.  The face of evil just changes.

Further more humans were always flawed and sin. That is a fact that will not go away. I don’t know if there has ever been a time been there was at least one war going on somewhere in the world.

That does not mean it is not important to strive for peace. It is but do not be deluded that evil can be eliminated.  It is always changing its face.

Though, we know who the ultimate winner is going to be.  At least, according to the Holy Book.  In that knowledge, some people can gain solace.  God is always in control.  And the devil loses in the end.

It is always easier to want less, to be satisfied with what you have.  There is a reason ‘Thou shall not covet.’ is one of the ten commandments.  There is no end to wanting.  There is always one more thing around the corner–one more gadget, one more whatever.  There is peace in being satisfied with your current possessions.  There is no end to wanting more.  It has to stop somewhere.  Now is a good time as any.  And approaching each day with thanksgiving is a good start.

Imbalance in your life is not necessarily a bad thing.  I can not tell you when your life becomes imbalanced.  Only you know the signs.  I can suggest some of the signs:  you might feel stressed out, unduly nervous, usually feeling you have left something out of your life.

Your body and mind always tells you when you need to make a correction in your life.  When you have peace of mind, there is usually balance in your life, when you are obeying that tiny voice only you can hear.

But when there is too much unrest in your soul and you have no peace something needs changing.  The imbalance in your life now is a good thing.

The body and mind is always seeking a state of equilibrium.  For example, you eat a meal and your body indicates you are full.  Then enough time goes by and your appetite kicks in and you are hungry again.  And you start this cycle all over again.

And so you are always seeking a state of equilibrium in your life.  Your imbalance either too much in one direction or too much in the other direction indicates you need to make a life change–sometimes they are major and sometimes they are minor or both.

Only you know what changes have to occur.  Only you know.  And you will, also, know when you have made the right decisions.  Every one’s life goes through cycles.  You just have to listen to what your mind and body is telling you.

Are you listening to your muse?  Only you know for sure.  I can not tell you.  Different people call it by different names:  your intuition, your “third ear” (Theodore Reich), subconscious.  There are so many different names out there for that.

I find it interesting that communication is nine tenths non-verbal according to some psychologists and we place such emphasis on the rational mind.  There are some signs when you are not listening to your Muse.  Constant unrest in your life might indicate you are not.

Your conscience is another word for your Muse.  It is the tiny voice inside you that if you ignore all the time will not go away completely causing internal unrest.

A sense of well being, peace may indicate you are on the right track.  Only you can truly know what your Muse is telling you to do.  Sometimes it does not make sense and requires a leap of faith.  And you might know only later you have followed your Muse correctly.

The world is full of people who are quick to tell you what to do and you have to pick your friends carefully or they might too easily lead you astray.  Following your muse can be a lonely path.

These are just some indications whether you truly have followed your Muse and again only you can know and can listen to that tiny voice only you can hear.  I hope these words can encourage you.

All I want you to do is listen, not feel sorry for me.  The prognosis was not good.  My kidney function had declined and I might have to undergo dialysis within a year.

My depression further increased when I learned only a third of the people undergoing dialysis survive five years and there was, also, a greater chance of stroke and heart disease.

Suddenly I realized I might not make it even to sixty-five.  My mortality became real.  Everyone knows that they are going to die eventually but act as if death will never come and when it does others act surprised and think it is a terrible thing.

I wanted to talk openly about this latest development but I felt odd bringing it up with certain loved ones and friends.  Death has become a taboo.  It is not discussed openly in our society.

I did not want sympathy.  I did not want others to feel sorry for me.  Instinctively I knew who I could not discuss my situation with.  I felt odd with them.

With those people when they ask me how I am doing, I just say “fine.”  I really wanted someone to listen, to be able to share my fears–my fears of hopelessness, of being in pain and discomfiture, dependent on others, afraid of losing my mental facilities.

I just wanted to go out in grace and peace.  Death was knocking.  There are no certainties.  It just did not look good.  I will grab every bit of control I can in my situation.  I just did not want to do it alone.

I have to remind myself of this over and over. My relationship with my wife has been somewhat ragged over the last few weeks. I have accused her of being self-centered and extremely narcissistic.

It is immaterial how true this is. The fact remains I have no control of her–just me. No matter what the truth of these statements are it really does not matter.

Again, I have to look at my own behavior and see what is in my power to change. And words are cheap. My behavior toward her will speak volumes.

I can accuse her of all kinds of things and they may be on target. The fact remains: I have no control of her. I have to work on getting my temper in control and on other things that were non-productive towards creating peace. This is what I have to remind myself over and over.

I forget this so easily and adapt an accusatory tone toward her. This is doing me no good to point fingers at her. I have to start with me and me only. How easily I forget this.

I Just Seek Peace

Author: siggy

Conflict is good. It forces you to connect with your partner at a deeper level. You want to resolve your conflict, to seek peace with your partner.

In order to do that you have to reach deep within you, find the solution to resolve the impasse. This is all good. You must seek a creative solution to break the impasse.

In the process your roots are entangled with your partner, making your connection that much deeper. Conflict brings your deepest feelings to the surface.

After peace comes, you know your conflict resolution was genuine. Couples who do not argue are not facing their conflict head on but are superficially connecting with one another.

Anger indicates you have hit a nerve and you need to find a solution pleasing to both–often a compromise. Then a calm can come bringing peace to the couple. One needs to be kind in the process otherwise too many hurt feelings will hinder your resolution of your conflict.

Conflict can be a good thing. In the wake of a genuine solution, a couple’s relationship can become that much stronger. Conflict, in that case, is always beneficial.

When Love Is Not Enough

Author: siggy

When love is not enough,

You fight

Wonder

If you are right for each other

When love is not enough,

Angry, hurt words are spoken

Shattering the peace

When love is not enough

Sex disappears

And you wonder

What you ever

Saw in one another

When love is not enough

I have to forgive

My partner

For being

As imperfect

As I Am

When love is not enough

You have to start

From the beginning

Uncertain, unsure

Never knowing

Is love enough

Less, again, is always more.  It is far easier to be satisfied with what you’ve got than to want more.  There is no end to more.  Riches are all relative.  It is far easier to cut your expenses controlling your desires of more material wealth than increasing your money coming in or simply not living within your means (which usually means using credit).  I do not know how many marriages were destroyed by poor money management.  Creating a reasonable budget and living within your means always creates peace.  Juggling bills and creditors is always stressful.  Putting money aside for emergencies (and they always come) is prudent.  God supplies everything but we are entrusted with using our money (and resources) prudently.  That is under our control.