Jul
3
2012
Every time I had a fight with my girl friend I used to think our relationship was over. I had to learn a fight meant there was something that had to be worked out. Of course, I had to learn how to fight fairly and not attack my partner in the process. Sometimes when the argument became too heated, I had to wait until both of us calmed down. I was not always good about that. I had to learn to wait awhile before continuing the discussion, again.
Feb
5
2010
Sometimes I have to back away and leave my wife alone. I can get overbearing and simply talk too much and she has reminded me. I am learning this although some times slowly that the best thing I can do sometimes is just to withdraw and leave her alone.
It has become a little easier to do. I wired my stereo so I can play it just in the office. Sometimes I leave her alone and listen to my music without disturbing her. It is amazing what silence can do to a relationship. There are many hiding places in this house. I just have to avail myself of them periodically. There can be too much togetherness.
Jan
27
2010
Insisting your relationship be fifty fifty creates problems. First of all the give and take in a relationship is seldom equal. Consider it like a pendulum: sometime one gives more and sometimes it is the other.
And sometimes it is just one sided. Often due to bad health. The commitment you made said for better or worse or in sickness or health.
Of course when the giving is always one sided problems arise. I am convinced that God created woman just to teach man how to love. There is always a flow back and forth.
When you insist it be tit for tat it is not love. Each person gives what they can. And sometimes we do not appreciate one another. That is when most problems come about. And then one brings out the score sheet.
Relationships are always in a state of flux. Insisting it be fifty fifty all the time does not recognize this reality and creates major problems–resentment by one party being one.
Jun
19
2009
I am convinced God created marriage for only one reason: to teach us how to love better. That is the only reason, as far as I am concerned, this institution was created.
I am extremely self centered and narcissistic. Marriage forces me to examine my foibles and flaws. I mess up all the time and hurt my “other”.
I have to apologize and ask her for her forgiveness. I know precisely how flawed I am although I, often, am not aware exactly how having definite blind spots. Marriage forces you to examine your weaknesses and attempt to correct them.
Your partner sees the worst in you given enough time. There is no doubt about that. One never sees what goes on behind closed doors nor should they.
When we are in a primary relationship we have a chance to examine our flaws again. First we have to become aware of them, then decide how we want to change. Every family is dysfunctional. The only question is to what degree.
When we are in a relationship we are forced to examine our shortcomings. We have a chance to examine our childhood again. Every relationship is flawed including our parents’. When we live with someone nothing is hidden too long.
As time goes on, we have a chance to correct flaws we become aware of. I laughed at my friend when he said marriage is “work” (that was in my single days). I am no longer laughing at him. Marriage is work. Hopefully the pluses outweigh the minuses and the marriage survives.
Living with another is the hardest thing in the whole world. It is the compromises we have to work out that insure the success of the marriage. Living with another forces us to get out of our self-centeredness and forces us to love another human being better.
There are no easy answers to each marriage, each marriage is different. There is no more common institution than marriage to change the other. Too many people do not want to do the hard work it takes to continue the marriage or examine themselves and their flaws. Thus the high divorce rate. There are no easy answers to any marriage; it all takes time (and commitment) to one another.
May
30
2009
I have to remind myself of this over and over. My relationship with my wife has been somewhat ragged over the last few weeks. I have accused her of being self-centered and extremely narcissistic.
It is immaterial how true this is. The fact remains I have no control of her–just me. No matter what the truth of these statements are it really does not matter.
Again, I have to look at my own behavior and see what is in my power to change. And words are cheap. My behavior toward her will speak volumes.
I can accuse her of all kinds of things and they may be on target. The fact remains: I have no control of her. I have to work on getting my temper in control and on other things that were non-productive towards creating peace. This is what I have to remind myself over and over.
I forget this so easily and adapt an accusatory tone toward her. This is doing me no good to point fingers at her. I have to start with me and me only. How easily I forget this.
May
1
2009
A person who loves you, a person you care about, always has the ability to make you angry. If the reaction you have to something a person does is apathy, it is far more serious. A marriage (or any other relationship) almost never makes it back from that. It is usually finished at that point so if someone has the ability to make you angry it is a good thing: it means you care about the person and the relationship is still alive and has hope. Anger is always an indicator. There is not something necessarily wrong with it so learn from it.
Apr
18
2009
I am convinced that the only reason marriage was put on this earth was to teach one another how to love. I know I am extremely self-centered and am forced in this relationship to consider another.
Your mate see everything about you. Given enough time together, your other sees all the different sides of you–the worst as well as the best.
Each partner has rough edges and what ensures the success of the marriage is how well you work our your differences. That takes time and the process can be rough as it often is and hopefully as time goes some of these rough edges are smoothed out.
Each marriage is incompatible. Each of us comes from different backgrounds–raised by different people all imperfect. At best, our childhoods were somewhat similar but sometimes not.
Imagine how boring it would be if we understand each other perfectly. One lifetime is really not enough time to learn about each other.
Love and forgiveness is the glue that holds a marriage together. And mystery and mystique drives it.
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