More poems from "You Just Gotta Laugh"...



As usual, stumbling bleary eyed from the bedroom
The first thing I have to deal with is my three dogs
After hours of them being confined to the house
Thy greet me immediately
And let me know in no uncertain terms
What they want from me

Before I even left the bedroom
I would slip on some sweats
Before the dogs were put out
I made sure my slippers were on
The last was no small detail
The three dogs would always run over my feet
In their haste to leave the premises
Three sets of paws could do some damage
Each dog weighed over sixty pounds

This morning I had a crisis
Right in front of my eyes
The screen door latch
Was dislodged by one of the dogs:
Atilla was the only dog
Who knew how to "pop" open the door
The latch, somehow, disappeared
The door would not open
I could not find the latch

Atilla the Hun was twirling rapidly in perfect circles
Each time moving sideways a little bit
Frantic to do his thing outside

Coco, the other black "pup",
Was wiggling excitedly
In every which direction

Their Mom the golden retriever
Simply was voicing her disapproval
That this was taking so long
Hurting my ears

I went to plan B
I rummaged through a drawer
In the kitchen
Searching for a pair of pliers
There is a reason I call this drawer miscellaneous
Everything is thrown in there
Of course I did not find what
I was looking for

By now the dogs were crazy
And so was I
I had to quickly find the toilet
To relieve myself
Or have an accident
On the floor
And then continued my search
For something, somewhere
To open the door

Finally, after discarding several tools
In my tool box as inappropriate
I grabbed a vise grip
Hoping it would do the job

It worked
The dogs in a flash vanished
Into the yard

Hours later I am still looking
For the knob

I know my wife will be curious
When she gets up
Why a vise grip is hanging
From our screen door

When she noticed,
I promised her this poem
When she got back
From her errands

P.S.  I just read this poem
To my wife
She walked over to the door
And pulled the missing latch
Out of a partially open
Deluxe scrabble game
She found it
In ten seconds flat

Horizontal Divider 15


The three gas pumps were crowded.
It was the final day
Of their current promotion.

After 10 minutes
Of inching along,
I was primed to be next.
The car before me
Was "a boat"--
Big, to say the least.

The driver, an old lady,
Did everything in slow motion.
She INCHED to the pump
Then she was AT the pump
For minutes--
She could not figure out
How to use it.

She SLOWLY made her way
To the Booth,
Then back to the pump.
The attendant set the pump.

It took her FOREVER
To put the hose
In her gas tank.

First she had
To take the gas cap off.
It took over
A minute
To get the hose
And bring it
Back to the car
And FINALLY pump her gas.

She finished
Made her way to the pay booth.
It took her even longer
To walk back to her car.
FINALLY she closed the door
And she took even LONGER
To turn the ignition key.
FINALLY, she pulled out
And I was next.

Watching her performance,
I forwarded the clock
15 or 20 years
One day there might be someone
In back of ME
Waiting for ME to finish
And thinking the same thing,
"Why is HE doing everything

Old age is not that far away.
That is all I could think of
As she drove off.