More poems from "You Just Gotta Laugh"...
THE CASE OF THE DISAPPEARING DOOR HANDLE
As usual, stumbling bleary eyed from the bedroom
The first thing I have to deal with is my three dogs
After hours of them being confined to the house
Thy greet me immediately
And let me know in no uncertain terms
What they want from me
Before I even left the bedroom
I would slip on some sweats
Before the dogs were put out
I made sure my slippers were on
The last was no small detail
The
three dogs would always run over my feet
In
their haste to leave the premises
Three
sets of paws could do some damage
Each
dog weighed over sixty pounds
This morning I had a crisis
Right in front of my eyes
The screen door latch
Was
dislodged by one of the dogs:
Atilla was
the only dog
Who knew how to "pop"
open the door
The latch, somehow, disappeared
The door would not open
I could not find the latch
Anywhere
Atilla the Hun was twirling rapidly in perfect circles
Each time moving sideways a little bit
Frantic to do his thing outside
Coco, the other black "pup",
Was wiggling excitedly
In
every which direction
Their Mom the golden retriever
Simply was voicing her disapproval
That this was taking so long
Hurting my ears
I went to plan B
I rummaged through a drawer
In the kitchen
Searching
for a pair of pliers
There is a reason
I call this drawer miscellaneous
Everything
is thrown in there
Of course I did not
find what
I was looking for
By now the dogs were crazy
And
so was I
I had to quickly find the toilet
To relieve myself
Or have an accident
On the floor
And
then continued my search
For something,
somewhere
To open the door
Finally, after discarding several tools
In my tool box as inappropriate
I grabbed a vise grip
Hoping
it would do the job
It worked
The dogs in a flash vanished
Into the yard
Hours later I am still
looking
For the knob
I know my wife will be curious
When
she gets up
Why a vise grip is hanging
From our screen door
When
she noticed,
I promised her this poem
When she got back
From her errands
P.S. I just read
this poem
To my wife
She walked over to the door
And pulled the missing latch
Out of a partially open
Deluxe
scrabble game
Nearby
She found it
In ten seconds flat
Siggy
THE GAS PUMPS
The three gas pumps were crowded.
It was the final day
Of their current promotion.
After 10 minutes
Of inching
along,
I was primed to be next.
The car before me
Was "a boat"--
Big, to say the least.
The driver, an old lady,
Did everything in slow motion.
She INCHED to the pump
Then she was AT the pump
For
minutes--
She could not figure out
How to use it.
She SLOWLY made her way
To the Booth,
Then
back to the pump.
The attendant set the
pump.
It took her FOREVER
To put the hose
In her gas tank.
First she had
To
take the gas cap off.
It took over
A minute
To get the hose
And bring it
Back to the
car
And FINALLY pump her gas.
She finished
And SLOWLY, very SLOWLY,
Made her way to the pay booth.
It took her even longer
To
walk back to her car.
FINALLY she closed
the door
And she took even LONGER
To turn the ignition key.
FINALLY, she pulled out
And I was next.
Watching her performance,
I forwarded the clock
15 or 20 years
One day there might be someone
In
back of ME
Waiting for ME to finish
And thinking the same thing,
"Why is HE doing everything
In SLOW MOTION?"
Old age is not that far away.
That is all I could think of
As
she drove off.
Siggy
