Why can’t we wear out our clothing?!  I have a sweater I really like and it matches perfectly with a shirt I am wearing today but I feel odd:  my sweater has several little holes in it.  I really do have too much clothing.  And way too much variety and colors and choice.  Maybe if I wore out my clothing I would not have so much clothing.  And my clothes closet would not be so full.

What would I care about if I go after my wife?  I can’t take my things with me.  I know from dust I come and from dust I return.  So what do I want to leave someone after I die–not much.  The only thing I care about and hope I can leave in good hands is my journals and poetry.  I would like to think at least a poem or two or three would outlive me.  Money can’t buy happiness.  Bill Gates, at one point, was the richest man in the world.  So what does he do but pour billions in a foundation so, maybe, he can make a difference.  Each person wonders if he/she will leave any kind of legacy.  And there are multiple ways of doing that.  It could be the memories your children have of you who in turn impact others.  Memories of you may not die so quickly.  Sometimes anyway.  Many people when they approach the end of their life wonder about the legacy they will leave behind.  At least I do.

I have to take my day seriously–like it matters.  That means discarding my sweats and putting pants on that I would go out in.  It also means putting my shoes on not wearing moccasins any longer that day.  It also means shaving and looking less disheveled.  I take myself and my time more seriously.  I am also done with my morning coffee.  All this matters.  I don’t fritter away my day.  My time matters.  And I have to use my time more productively.

Spring Is On Its Way

Author: siggy

Spring is on its way:  officially in four weeks.  It does not feel that way today.  It is cold and windy and all I want to do is stay inside and go out only when I have to.  None of my four dogs seem too eager to go out.  Now I am counting the weeks and then days until spring.  I do this every year, do my countdown to spring.  Winter I just endure.

If each day is a miracle and I can’t feel that lost in depression, is it really?  I do believe in miracles but I know my moods are deceivers.  Let me consider if each day is not a miracle and isn’t this a slide into oblivion.  Maybe, I can’t trust my feelings (my depression in this case) and choose to believe each day you have on earth is really a miracle and wait until I feel that.  The converse of that belief is futility.  Depressions do come and go.  I just have to ride it out and believe the time I spend here is worthwhile.  That is what I choose to believe.

Winter Is Slipping Away

Author: siggy

Winter is slipping away.  Now spring is approximately five weeks away.  Today we might get some snow but the snowfall they are calling for is minor.  The New England states are going to be hit much harder.  There have been no major snowfalls this year but I am not dismissing winter yet.  It still has a ways to go.  We have had some bone chilling temperatures but most of winter so far has been mild, which does not mean I will not welcome spring and its corresponding warmer weather.  I will.  I just tolerate winter.  And dress warmer when It gets colder.  I don’t know what else to do.

I have been depressed for awhile.  I know my depression is an indicator.  I know my age has something to do with it:  I will not live another 64 years.  I wonder what I will leave behind.  I certainly can’t take my things with me–my music, my journals, my poems.  I can’t take anything with me.  So what is there?  What is my purpose of living?  It is not the accumulation of my things.  From dust you come and from dust you shall return.  I do hope I leave the world a better place, that some people might mourn me.  And have good memories of me.  The thing about the world it goes on.  Every day someone dies, someone is born.  I am trying to figure out my purpose in the time I have left.  Not that my death is imminent but who knows?  No one can really help me on my journey.  Somehow I have to figure out what I have to do which will give me meaning so I can climb out of my depression.  There is (???are) no easy answers.