I can’t save you. I failed. The latest silent treatment was the result. I got frustrated with you. And my voice got louder.

I know you told me you did not want advise. I was trying to show you there was another way. You can choose. But you did not want to.

And I just became more and more frustrated with you. I give up. You are going to have to decide: do the choices you take benefit you or not.

You are going to have to decide whether you want to live or die. Maybe not literally but figuratively.

I wanted to show you the different alternatives you had. You did not want to listen to any turns you could have made. Every way which I suggested it was no.

I am tired of it. And give it (???). It just gets me in trouble. You want to wallow in your misery. It is always your choice. To live or die. Does the decisions you make benefit you?

Maybe you don’t want to ask that question. There is always another way. I wish you would start looking at the choices, yes you possess. There is always another way.

‘You do not owe me anything, you do not owe me spring’, a line from an song written by one of the two women who originally fronted a band called “The Joy Of Cooking” in the late sixties, early seventies. I thought of my relationship with my wife. It presently was a bit ragged. She really can not make me happy. I could only make me happy. I am responsible for my own happiness. Yes, I want us to get along and I will do whatever it takes, but the happier I chose to be, the better she and I will get along. I am the only person who can make me happy. Those lines reminded me of that again.

Happiness and Life

Author: siggy

I never waited for any future magical moment to be happy. When I had less money I still enjoyed myself–even when I did not have enough.

Although I dreamed of a normal existence–more normal that is (an existence like one day being married and have a family, children), I still did not bemoan my fate.

And it did happen. And when it did, the period was no utopia: other problems presented themselves and had to be solved. And not all of them had a solution.

Each period of my life when I had less and when I had more I still was determined to find joy in life.

I did not keep postponing my life even when there were dreams not fulfilled. Every moment I had some joy (and sometimes sorrow) in it.

And the remainder of my life I do not dread. Death will be another joy, mystery. After all, it is another part of living. And every part is to be enjoyed.

I keep a close eye on my sleep patterns.  If I am sleeping regularly nine or ten hours and all of a sudden my sleep falls to seven hours a night my alarm is set off and I view my other behavior.  I do enlist the help of my wife when I do this (and this can be hard to do).  And sometimes my wife initiates this review.

Am I losing my temper more frequently?  Have I become agitated (like I am crawling out of my skin)?  What kind of music am I listening to?  Is it music to rev myself up?  How am I feeling when I listen to this music?  Am I becoming more euphoric?  Has there been a surge in self-confidence?  Am I talking more?

There are other signs.  One particular one I can’t ignore:  Am I becoming more anxious in public–maybe even a little paranoid?  All this self examination is set off by a change of sleep patterns. That is one sign I can’t ignore.

All this was taught to me by my doctor decades ago.  I have some control.  I will not go out of control. One of my meds will need to be increased and then some of these symptoms will subside.  I will start sleeping better in a few days.

When I realize I am undergoing another episode I call my med nurse who consults my doctor and they discuss what to do and the nurse gets back to me.  I am lucky:  the community mental health center I go to is very well run and I can rely on them.

I have gone through these episodes dozens of times.  I know now what to expect. I do not change my life abruptly when I am in this cycle although I recognize I might sleep a little less. I might make some adjustment like not going out in public as much if it is too difficult until this cycle ends. (They usually last four or five months.)

I know when this period is ended:  My sleep patterns become more normal. I will start sleeping more every night regularly.  And at that point I can go back to my normal dosage of the med I increased. My episode is done.

The face of evil just changes. When Communism died, people thought peace will now reign in the world. The Berlin Wall fell.  That did not happen.

In fact, we may be embroiled in more wars (the world that is) than in any time in history.  Evil always has existed.  The devil is always doing his handiwork.  The face of evil just changes.

Further more humans were always flawed and sin. That is a fact that will not go away. I don’t know if there has ever been a time been there was at least one war going on somewhere in the world.

That does not mean it is not important to strive for peace. It is but do not be deluded that evil can be eliminated.  It is always changing its face.

Though, we know who the ultimate winner is going to be.  At least, according to the Holy Book.  In that knowledge, some people can gain solace.  God is always in control.  And the devil loses in the end.

I would prefer my wife to first learn how to operate it and then demonstrate the action of it to me.  It is very difficult for me to learn from a manual.  Sure, I will read it first.  And it will help a little but I really can’t follow it too easily. I do not care how well it is written.

I don’t learn well out of manuals. Sometimes I am forced to consult them. If there is something I can’t do on the device and the manual is written very well, I am forced to follow it step by step but this is very difficult for me to do. I just don’t learn easily that way.

My wife is different. She reads the manual page by page and is able to follow it much better. I prefer her to physically demonstrate the camera to me point by point. I will learn the operation of the camera much better and quicker that way.

The bird totems facing away from my front door had to be exactly diagonally. I wanted the birds to be welcomed in my yard.  It was just a small detail but I made sure they were facing in that direction.  In my mind the birds knew and came accordingly so I made sure of that small detail.  I wanted as many visitors as possible to come to my feed.  I loved watching them.

Yield on things that really do not matter.  I am still learning that in my marriage.  There is no sense fighting over a small point when in the long scheme of things it is really insignificant.

I realize that in a marriage every detail needs to be worked out.  There are times I wish something to be a certain way but my other prefers a different arrangement.

Then it is better I defer to her him (???) for in the long run it does not matter but if you insist on your way sparks will fly needlessly.

There is always one person who is a little more inflexible in the relationship so deferring to that person keeps the peace.

There are times to make a stand but choose these times wisely.  Most things really don’t matter so yield on the details that are really inconsequential.

And fight for only things that truly matter in the long run.  Peace will reign more often.  And your household will run smoother.

We are planning a major trip to California where I never been.  To San Francisco to be more exact.  We are going there by train.  I am getting a bit frustrated for I have not been given the go-ahead to make the train reservations.

Then I can do every thing else, arrange the car rental, the plane home and every thing in between.  But it that the first step–the train reservation.

I have never been to California.  I have been wanting to visit San Francisco for over forty years.  And the redwoods and take a ride down or up the coast.  And maybe stick my toes in the Pacific which I have never seen.

We love trains.  So we are looking forward to the forty eight plus hour ride.  But I am still waiting to take that first step–make the train reservation.  Everything else will follow.

We Think So Differently

Author: siggy

We think so differently.  My wife and I.  Sometimes that is hard to accept although I know one and one makes three in our case.  It really would be quite boring if we thought exactly alike.

She does drive me crazy but I imagine I do the same to her.  “Isn’t that what all wives do?” my doctor commented when I mentioned that to him.

I know I am more because she is by my side.  Studies over and over prove married people live longer which does not mean married life is not stressful at times:  it is.

But Proverbs says there is nothing worse than a man who falls down and has no one to pick him up.  It is true I lose certain things when I decided to marry but I also gain things.

I like what Scott Peck says about marriage, ‘People get married for the friction.’  His exact words in one of his books.  There is no more common institution to change you than marriage.

Change won’t happen without sparks.  I can testify to that.  And I am sure so can other people who entered that institution.  Will you survive them?  That is the only pertinent question.

Every time I glance out my kitchen window onto the backyard and woods I am awed.  There is mystery there. Toads, turtles and cottontails live back there.  And I do not know what else.

Today everything is white and there is calm.  The snow is falling.  If I look carefully, I often see birds alight on some of the bushes.  It is wild back there.

Two summers ago I discovered a large raspberry patch in the corner of my property.  My wife made at least two pies from the berries I picked that year.

I love looking at the symmetry of the trees, how they placed themselves.  I know there is a higher power.  And every time I look at (???) that window I am assured of that fact.

There is a tiny creek back there which sometimes goes dry but the gully it created is at least six inches tall so it has been there for awhile.

Every once in a while I tramp around never certain what I will find.  I love surprises although they generally occur when I am not looking for them.  It is a piece of our property I love. I never know exactly what I will find.

It is wild and I want to keep it that way.  I hate manicured lawns.  I do not know why people are so proud of them.  And work so hard to keep them that way.  To me, it is an exercise in futility. I certainly don’t envy their neat lawns. I just love looking out my window.

Somewhere in the backyard buried in the woods is at least one large box turtle.  Every year he visits us.  Last year I saw him sunning himself on the concrete one hot simmer (summer???) day.  He must be at least eight inches long.

He must have seen quite a few winters.  When I think of box turtles I usually think of small ones.  I did not know they grew so big.  I am waiting to see if he will appear again.

It is just another mystery like those toads who also appears at our doorsteps all sizes from tiny to humongous and everything in between.  They like to feed on the insects the porch light attracts.

I wonder whether they hibernate in the cold weather?  I don’t know.  And how old do they get?  They appear when I least expect them to and I make sure none of the dogs harass them.  I want them to come back.  As well as the turtles.