The River and the mountains and sky are ever changing.  Every time I go to the river everything changes.  The light hits the water differently.  Shades of gray and blue are ever present.  I am awed every time.  And thank God I am able to view this beauty.

Sometimes I view the River from a passing car other times I am standing at its shore.  I never know what I will see exactly.  This week early in the morning I flushed a blue heron and watched it fly to the other side joining another one in flight there.

I feel blessed living so close to such a magnificent River and Mountains.  Every day I am reminded of that.  There are many people who do not live so close to a major River.  And a good part of my life I did not either.

We canceled our Dish and I got depressed.  We realized we were paying $600 a year for it.  Money got a little tighter the last few months and it was just too much money for that privilege.

Nevertheless I became depressed after we canceled that service.  On the upside we had lots of DVDs and old videos to watch.  There were plenty of films I have not seen.  I still have not watched Ken Burns series on jazz my wife got me for Christmas maybe five years ago.

All of that did not matter.  I still became depressed.  Like I lost a friend.  Something I took for granted.  And now it was gone.

Nicknames For My Dogs

Author: siggy

I have several nicknames for my dogs.  My daughter says you can’t change the name of you pet once you give one for your dog.  I beg to differ.

Pax my 90 pound Rottweiler mix is now Big Woof or Woof for short.  He is the most vocal of our four dogs.  And he is beginning to respond to the last name.

Coco is now called Wiggles for obvious reason when she sees you she wiggles all over the place when she sees you (???).

The other pup Tilla originally Atilla The Hun, now shortened to an affectionate Tilla, now has been called at various times Junior Woof or The Olympian or Small Woof.

The last other dog we have is named Sweetie and her name describes her to a tee so she will not get any other name.  It fits her perfectly.

Can fear and love exist at the same time?  They can but not too well.  One can not love freely if you are afraid.  Somehow you have to settle your fears–your fear of rejection, of being close, of being transparent.

Nothing is permanent.  Love is fluid.  It changes from day to day.  That is why commitment to one another is so important.  It rides out the rough moments and if you know in back of your mind you are loved that is all you need to know.

Fear only gets in the way.  Forgiveness at the end of each day is the glue that makes it work.  No one said love was easy.  You have to put aside your fears.

It was drizzling this morning and God Bless the rain!  We have had a heat wave:  temperatures as high as 104 degrees.  Yes, that high temperature was no error on my part.  In my whole life I have never remembered temperatures that high.  I took my dog for a walk in the light drizzle and thanked the Almighty for this respite from the extreme temperature we have been having.  I know “summer” will come back in full force.  I certainly will enjoy this morning and remember this small gift from above.

I have no control of my wife but I do of me.  I can not fix her and Lord knows I have tried repeatedly with very little success.  I do have control of me and this revelation may appear to be obvious but I am an extremely slow learner and this idea I can only control me frees me.  Paradoxically I may be able to change her behavior by concentrating on mine but I can not act with that in mind.  I have to love her freely and not do anything because I am trying to change her for that is manipulation on my part.  All this is very freeing to me.

The highlight of my day is ten o’clock in the morning when the mail gets here.  Of course, Sunday there is no delivery.  Sometimes (and often) it is just a bill or junk mail but once in a while I get something more personal like a letter from a friend.  Some junk mail is more interesting than others.  Some is simply someone who wants a contribution.  Sometimes I may get an CD I have ordered or better yet a book.  After the mail gets here it is all downhill.  The mail is always the highpoint of my day.

I don’t have to feel or think perfectly to thrive.  I have a bipolar disorder and I know certain symptoms persist but I ignore them and realize it is my brain tricking me.

People who are older understand this perfectly.  Their mobility may have become limited and also have other diminishing illnesses but that is okay.  You do your best and you do not complain.

Sure every disturbing thought of mine can be extinguished but at a heavy price:  I no longer would be able to function at the drug regiment (???) that would accomplish that.

I just know my subconscious can annoy me with disturbing thoughts that make me anxious but so what.  I do take the meds that lower this threshold.

I refuse not to do the things that I enjoy simply because my brain (or subconscious) is not totally cooperating.  I still do what gives me pleasure as much as I can realizing fully there are times it will be more difficult to do certain things.

At certain times I avoid crowded areas particularly restaurants fully aware that in certain states it will be more difficult to deal with my thoughts but If I have to go out to dinner I just go.

Somewhere your personality can be found in that “book” some psychiatrists use but so what.  Every person is different and flawed.  You (and other people) simply have to accept that.