Spring Was On its Way

Author: siggy

Spring was on its way.  I checked the bed of daffodils that come up every year and there were nubs coming up.  I never checked them so early during winter.  It was the last day of January.  Last time I looked the primrose were still blooming.  They like the cold.  We have had temperatures as low as 3 degrees in the morning so maybe the primrose finally died.  I am going to look.  Nevertheless, spring was still a bit off.  We have had snow but only minor storms.  It is still a bit to go.  The worst is not over.  Groundhog day is coming, though.

My depression is only the tip of the iceberg.  It is only an indicator that there are too many things below the surface I am feeling helpless about and I have to examine those things, reconcile what I can and go on from there.  Everyone has struggles and so much control of their life.  What do I have a little more control of?  And change what I can to whatever degree.  Depression does not really usually stem from one cause but really comes from an accumulation of things you have lost control of or at least feel that way.  Grabbing back some of the control gradually should lift the depression.  At least, I hope so in my case.

Yesterday winter was four weeks in.  Nine weeks to go officially.  You can see I don’t like winter.  Nine weeks is still a long way to go.  The Greeks had several different words for the word “time”.  One was for the physical aspect of it and another was for the actual meaning associated with the passing of time.  I just don’t like winter.  I bear it, wear enough layers of clothing so I am not cold.  That is about it.  I wish I could wave a wand and it was over but I can’t.  Nine weeks is still a long way off.

The hawk just watched me pass from his perch.  I had spotted the hawk an hundred feet away fly toward me, cross the road and alight on top of a yellow traffic sign on my right only ten feet from me and from that vantage point viewed me passing him in my car.  The hawk was the size of a red tailed hawk although I really was not sure what kind it was.  I thought it was odd behavior although I know they like watching things from higher perches and there were no trees in the immediate area.

I Got The Winter Blues

Author: siggy

I got the winter blues.  It is not unbearably cold and we only had two minor snow storms.  Nevertheless, I don’t want to be here but I am and don’t know what to do with myself.  I will go out (???) do a little shopping just to go out and go to the library.  Maybe, my depression will lift a bit.  Winter has just started.  And spring is still too far away to begin a countdown.  I will just bear it.

My brother-in-law says face the ‘light’ not the darkness.  It is too easy to get lost in the darkness.  It envelopes us, discourages us.  The devil does exist.  And he likes keeping us in the darkness.  We lose our way, our focus so face the light.  Focus on the truth, which is always found in the light.  We know what side is going to win in the end.  The devil uses his darkness to deceive us.  The bible says and this is a paraphrase, center on the good that is out there.  And focus on that.  Don’t get lost in the darkness.  Focus on the light.  He will show you the way.  And direct your path.

The Many Locked Doors

Author: siggy

What I remember about Greystone (going back forty years) is the locked doors.  Each one led to another dismal ward.  Of course, I did not have any of the keys.  I had no freedom.  Everything was taken away from me.  I was told when to get up, when to eat and what medications I had to take.  In those days when you were in a manic state they always pumped you up with Thorazine, which was a real “downer”.  It felt like punishment.  It was not even my fault.  Almost all the drugs to treat bipolar disorder now did not exist then.  I remember very well having almost all my civil rights taken away from me.  There was not even a phone on the ward.  I needed special permission to go downstairs and make a call.  I was treated like a prisoner.  Those were some of the memories I had of my hospitalization.