Siggy's Blurbs: Siggy's Edge of Country …

It was in the late sixties I started keeping a journal.  It was a pivotal point in my life.  Forty years ago I knew my emotions were frozen.  I could not cry.  I did not know how I felt at any moment.  I was deeply depressed.

My journal was a start.  It gave me somewhere to go safely.  It was my only outlet (outside of sports) at the time.  My writings back then were not that good.  I poured out my depressed feelings.

Eventually some of my entries became poems and even got published.  That was the furthest thing from my mind when I started.

At some point years later I made an important shift:  instead of accenting the negative I started writing more and more about the positive in my life.

I never would have got there if I had not written first about all the things that were bothering me.

At some point I started recording the humorous things that happened around me.  It became another way to diffuse the “craziness” I saw.

I found out decades later I liked making people laugh at open mikes.  And I wrote more and more funny poems.

None of this would have not (???) happened if I did not start journalling in the late sixties.  Now my blogs have almost replaced my journal.  Though entries in my journal still trickle in.

Tags: accent the negative, blogging, blogs, could not cry, depressed, emotions frozen, feelings, funny poems, journal entries, journalling, keeping a journal, late 1960's, make people laugh, my journal, open mike, pivotal point in life, poems, poetry, publishing poetry, somewhere safe, sports, write about humorous things, write about the positive, write about what is bothering you, writers, writing
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Why can’t people talk openly about death?  It is a mystery but so what.  Death claims us all.  The mortality rate is 100 per cent but no one wants to talk about it.

We act as if it is a curse.  When death occurs in a hospital, patients are just whisked away as if they were never there.  No one wants to die alone.  Dying has become very impersonal.  Thus the hospice movement.

All this is running through my mind when my kidney function worsened and my nephrologist said she might put in motion dialysis and I found out only one third of patients on dialysis survived five years and another said 20 per cent died the first year.

All of a sudden it looked as if I will never see seventy–much less the age my parents died (my Mom was eighty and my Dad was ninety).  I am sixty-one.

It has been three weeks since my last visit with my nephrologist and I was depressed.  I needed to talk about my condition but it was not so easy.  People do not talk openly about death except in passing at best.

I even had difficulty with those closest to me–my wife.  On one level we all know we are going to die but we act as if that is never going to happen.  I just asked for one thing:  I wanted to die with grace.  I just wanted to talk about it and there was no one.

Tags: 61 years old, act like we will never die, death, death is a mystery, depressed, dialysis, die alone, die with grace, difficulty talking about death, dying impersonal, hospice, hospital, kidney function, mortality, mortality rate 100 percent, my parents, my wife, needed to talk, nephrologist, no one to talk to, not a curse, patients whisked away, talk openly about death
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I was depressed today: I went to a nephrologist yesterday. My kidney function is worst than I thought–28 per cent function. There are some things in my control: I can restrict my salt intake, lower my cholesterol and keep an eye on my blood pressure. Anyway, I walked out of that office depressed and stayed there the next morning.

I have to make a conscious decision. Either God is in control of my life (or He isn’t). If He is, I have to do my part, then I can relax in his Arms. I have to remind myself God is always in control.

He will take care of me. My time is His time. It is not really up to me when He will take me to Heaven. I have to pray He will take care of me, He is always in control. No matter what happens. My time here is always short. Our lives are but a vapor. Maybe, if I can keep those ideas in mind and pray constantly, my depression will eventually lift. After all I belong to Him.

Tags: blood pressure, cholesterol, depressed, depression will lift, God is in control, God will take care of me, Heaven, I belong to God, kidney function, life is a vapor, my time is His time, nephrologist, pray, prayer, relax in God's arms, salt
Posted in death, God, health, knowledge&learning, life, local, love, mental health, relationships, time, wisdom | 2 Comments »