My birthday is coming up (and I am just depressed). I can not tell you exactly why although I can guess. Part of that is grief. Most of my life is over. I can’t go back. Wishing is futile. Somehow I need to settle things. My relationship with my daughter is fractured. I don’t know how to repair it. Lectures and judgements don’t do it. I am aware of the ticking time. I am running out of time. I guess, everyone wants to leave a legacy. I am working at getting my first book of poetry out but it is a long and uncertain process. My wife is the only one who really cares about that. She is my editor and a good one. Things really don’t matter. I really don’t know how much time I have left. For that matter, no one knows for sure. I know that somehow I need to make peace with the people who matter to me. I don’t know how. I am just depressed. That is all I know.
Tags: birthdays, depression, editor, grief, make peace with people, my birthday is coming up and I don't care, my daughter, my fractured relationships, my legacy, my wife, peace, poetry, publishing a book, running out of time, time, writing
Posted in balance, children, death, God, life, love, mental health, relationships, time, wisdom, writing, your job/mission/profession |
I don’t know why it is so hard
to get rid of old letters–some decades old. Some memories I don’t want to delve in any longer yet I save the faded correspondence. Cards with nothing notable on them I trash easily. Some letters from my sister I wonder about. The memories seem so far away. Some are bad, some are good. Once in awhile a photo drops out of the letter and the passage of time is revealed. Was I really that young once? I have grown old. I don’t want to to rid myself entirely of past memories. Friends and lovers.
And I know when I am gone someone else will probably trash them. I just can’t bear to throw away most of my letters. Part of my life is embodied in those letters.
It is so hard–patches of my history, my life is everywhere. Dates are sometimes important: they mark milestones of my past. I am always surprised how porous my memory is. Friends wrote me letters I have long forgotten. I do toss some. People have fled in the corridors of my mind. It is so hard. Clues of my history, my life is everywhere.
Tags: family, friends, getting old, good and bad memories, greeting cards, i have grown old, lovers, memories, my life, My past is buried in my old letters, old correspondence, old letters, old photos, parting with old letters, passage of time, people long forgotten, Resurrecting the past, sister, throwing away old letters
Posted in balance, death, life, love, relationships, time |
There were two large four foot mounds of snow at the end of our driveway. We kept getting frequent small snow storms. Other areas on the East coast got slammed by Storm Juno–a foot and up. Some isolated areas two, three foot accompanied by high gusts of wind. Their storm was called a “blizzard”. Not here, though so I don’t want to complain too much. And they are calling for more snow. And frigid temperatures. January was one cold month.
Tags: blizzard, blizzards in East coast, cold temperatures in January, frigid temperatures, high winds, snow, snow storms, three foot of snow, winter
Posted in balance, local, nature, seasons |
I had to remind myself of the scripture that says, ‘Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger.’ My wife kept complaining I was interrupting her all the time. And I thought of that passage from the bible and it gave me a weapon to help me to stop doing that. It was a bad habit I had and now I had a way to stop doing it. It would not be easy, though. I would have to work at it.
Tags: "quick to listen slow to speak and slow to anger", Bible, God, interrupting my wife, scripture
Posted in balance, God, life, local, love, marriage, mental health, relationships, wisdom |
Some books you don’t even “see”. I had to move a big book case so some workers could remove the old thermostat and place a new one where I could reach it (the old one was hidden behind the bookcase). It was a job I was avoiding. I quickly removed dozens of books and threw them temporarily on the floor. I was amazed at the titles of some books. I either forgot I had them on the shelves or didn’t remember some titles. It was like getting some new books. Some had become “invisible”.
Tags: book case, book shelves, books, books becoming "invisible", books I had forgotten, like getting new books, moving the book case, thermostat
Posted in balance, knowledge&learning, local, time |
My wife was ready to put back the curtains on our large living room window. One curtain rod was missing. Both my wife and I looked up and down the room where we might have laid it. No luck. Then one evening I spotted it. It was resting on the frame of the window in plain sight. We both laughed. Sometimes you can get “blind” spots. You don’t see something because it is not where you expect it to be.
Tags: blind spots, expectations, missing curtain rod, my wife, not where you expect it to be, Putting up living room curtains
Posted in balance, humor, local, marriage |
How sad you stopped noting your birthday years ago. You led too solitary a life. There was no one around you to make a fuss about your birthday. Hermits stop celebrating their birthdays. You get one special day a year. If there is no one around you to make you feel special that day you stop noting that day. My family (and some friends) always noted that day. It is just so sad there is almost no one in your life to do that. So you stopped celebrating your birthday.
Tags: birthday, celebrating your birthday, hermits, ignoring your birthday., led a solitary life, make a fuss about your birthday, my family, my friends, one special day a year, sad you stopped celebrating your birthday
Posted in balance, life, relationships, time |
The purchase of five chocolate bars made me feel rich. It was nearing the end of the month and money was tight. I bought some basics like toilet paper, etc. I had enough money left for five chocolate bars. I had everything I needed till next month. This final purchase made me feel rich. Wealth is all relative.
Tags: end of the month, five chocolate bars, made me feel rich, wealth is all relative
Posted in balance, local, money |
Sometimes depression is totally biochemical. Yesterday I was pretty depressed. I could certainly justify it, find reasons for it. I awoke today and it was like someone hit a switch: I was no longer depressed. It had vanished overnight. Depression is not always psychological. It is sometimes physiological. For some reason you are depressed. It has something to do with your brain chemistry. No more. No less. Time always bears this out.
Tags: brain biochemistry, depression, no longer depressed, physiological, psychological, time
Posted in balance, local, mental health, time, wisdom |
Depression is isolation (and that is a terrible thing). By no means do I want the person who is experiencing depression to feel guilty but I want to explain the results of depression and why you need to break that terrible cycle.
A person’s natural reaction is to become terribly egocentric. You simply do not want to see anyone. I would tell my daughter to do anything, walk to the post office, buy a stamp, anything to get out of the house.
Depression makes you very selfish. You can not see beyond yourself. It is so important to break the cycle of depression. It is done in small degrees by grabbing the power you have.
Every person can gain more control of some aspect of their life. You do it in small steps and eventually the depression will lift.
By all means if a doctor or therapist will help use their services. You do not have to do it alone. You can break the sphere of isolation. It will not happen overnight.
Tags: breaking your spell of depression, cycle of depression, depression and isolation, do not have to do it alone, doctor, gain more control, get out of the house, getting help during depression, mental health, the small degrees of grabbing the power you have, therapist
Posted in balance, knowledge&learning, life, mental health, relationships, wisdom |
One of my cats has adopted me. Just recently. We “meow” to each other and then he cozies up to me. China is his name–one exotically black and white marked cat. I never expected anything like this to happen. It happened when I started “meowing” back to him. I have no idea what I am saying but whatever it is he likes to snuggle up to me when we have a conversation. I never was cat person but recently I have become one. Each cat is different. Now only Cheyenne regards me warily. Of the seven cats we have, I had to catch him twice recently to take him to the vet. Cats do not forget.
Tags: cat adopted me, cat person, cats, Cheyenne, China, each cat is different, meowing back to your pet, pets, seven cats, vet
Posted in animals, balance, humor, local, pets |
Thank God for fatigue. It is your body telling you you have to rest. That is a good thing. “Speed” kills you for it overrides that message and given enough time you keep going and eventually your body deteriorates from within. Rest is a period your body recovers. If you consistently don’t sleep enough you don’t feel well for during sleep your body rejuvenates itself so observe the messages your body is telling you. Your body is an incredibly complex piece of machinery.
Tags: fatigue, God, listening to your body, rejuvenating quality of sleep, resting, sleep, speed kills, thank God, your body
Posted in balance, death, God, health, knowledge&learning, life, mental health, time |
