Siggy's Blurbs: Siggy's Edge of Country …

I shuddered when I saw my Mom’s photograph.  As far as I can tell it was a photograph taken in the cemetery when my father died.  She was this grim looking woman who had a long brimmed black hat on and steadied herself with a cane.  When I viewed this photograph again, she had been dead nine years.  I had forgotten about her.  How crazy she really was.  She tried to control Dad with all her illnesses she was always complaining about.  He resisted this.  She was hard to get away from.  When I was a child and young adult, I had no choice.  I could not get away from her.  Her fears and anxieties ran her life and those around her.  I had forgotten her and how nuts she truly was and how incredibly controlling she was.  And she was viewed sane.  I saw this first hand.  The photograph of her brought back all these negative feelings about her.  It is a terrible thing to say:  she was my Mother but part of me was glad to get rid of her.  There is so much, though, you can discard.  I can only escape her to a certain degree.  I know part of her is in me.  And I am aware I still owed her a debt.  There were traits she transmitted to me I am glad to have.  It took a long time to shed parts of her I wanted to.  And some I never will.

Tags: anxiety, cane, cemetery, complaining, controlling woman, crazy, father, fear, fears and anxieties, illness, mother, negative feelings, photograph
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The Carolina wrens who have a nest less than ten feet from our front door are flying back and forth usually with a worm in their mouth.  My wife for the first time stood underneath their nest and could hear the babies.  We are going away five days.  By then the babies might be grown and have flown away.  Baby birds grow so quickly.  It seems as if every year a bird has a nest somewhere near us.

Tags: baby birds, bird nest, birds, Carolina wren, my wife, worm
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The latest visitor at our house is a bird that built a nest in the wandering Jew plant hanging from the top of our garage door.  The nest is facing the back of the garage.  We saw a bird fly into it today but we still are not certain what kind of bird it is.  It is probably a small song bird.  She might be laying on her eggs.  Baby birds grow up quickly.  And before we know it they are gone.  We are keeping an eye open for them.

Tags: baby birds, bird eggs, bird nest, bird-watching, birds, song bird, Wandering Jew plant
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How careless is He with the two feet straw sticking out at all angles out of the snow.  The last day or two I noticed this wild straw and how beautiful it looked against the white.

There is so much beauty around and He is so careless and free with it.  I never forgot the time my son was in the car speeding down a major highway and he mentioned how beautiful the sky was.

I looked and it was a plain gray.  Not so plain to Saul.  There is so much we miss and God is so free with it.  I strained to figure out whether the bird a hundred feet away was the elusive pilliated woodpecker.

Finally I walked away.  I saw the red head but could not tell if it was the red bellied woodpecker or the other.  Both are fairly big woodpeckers.

I could not tell in the distance.  Such beauty all around.  And I am so blind to it sometimes.  Or just plain preoccupied.

Tags: beautiful sky, beauty all around, bird-watching, birds, God, my son, pilliated woodpecker, red bellied woodpecker, so much beauty, wild straw, woodpeckers
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Things are never more important than people.  Love is what makes the world go around.  Sure order in your house is important as well as the other objects in your house.

Nevertheless never more than the inhabitants who live in the house.  Sometimes a messy house is well lived in and often one you feel more comfortable.

I always get a little nervous when I enter a house and everything in it has its place and looks perfect–a showcase for a magazine.

To me, houses are meant to be lived in not just looked at.  That is often a source of conflict–how neat you want your house to look.  With kids, it is near impossible.

It is a little easier when only two people live in the house although in our house–not much easier.  Too many people are overly concerned about dirt and disorder.

I am well aware not every one has the gift of hospitality.  And there are many people who you just can’t drop by but the few I can I am grateful for.

Tags: comfortable, conflict, dirt and disorder in your house, gift of hospitality, God, grateful, house meant to be lived in, kids, love makes the world go around, magazine showcase house, messy house, neat house, order in your house, people more important than things, things in your house, well lived in home
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She came out of nowhere.  I asked my young nurse (during my brief hospital stay) where she was from:  she said, “Bricktown, New Jersey.”  I immediately asked her if that was near Lakewood.  And then asked her a flurry of questions.

She knew about Winwood Beach.  It was a vacation spot on the Manasquan River we often rented a bungalow for the weekend.  It could have been forty years the last time I was there.  I assumed the owner sold it a long time ago and the land was built on.  I was thrilled to find out it now was a park.

I used to love getting up in the morning to flush the cottontails.  There were the barn swallows who inhabited a garage there who would dive bomb every time I would go there near there.  I also picked wild blue berries in South Jersey every year.

Winwood Beach was the place where I used to throw rocks at the blackbirds perched at the barbed wire and once I hit one breaking his wing.  That was the last time I ever threw a rock at a bird.  The Beach was also not too far from The Atlantic Ocean.

She was familiar with Ocean County Park.  My Dad loved that park.  We lived two hours away but we often went there for the day.  My father upon entering that park would make sure the car windows were down so the smell of the virgin pines tree needles could drift in.

I also asked her about the park on the lake on route nine in Lakewood where we often went.  One memory I had of that place was my sister on a bamboo pole catching the largest yellow perch I had ever seen at the mouth of a stream there.

More of my childhood memories buried came back when I talked to this young nurse.  The conversation, unfortunately, was too brief.  I wanted to continue it but I did not have another opportunity. I owed my father a big debt for introducing me to nature by all our trips to South Jersey.

Tags: Atlantic ocean, barn swallows, birds, blackbirds, Bricktown NJ, cottontails, fish, fishing, Lakewood, Manasquan River, memories, my Dad, nature, nurse, Ocean County Park, South Jersey, vacation spot, virgin pine tree needles, wild blue berries, Winwood Beach, yellow perch
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I don’t want to feel sorry for myself yet I have to recognize my limitations:  my left arm still hurts and is recuperating from surgery.

Despite that, I want to do all that I am capable of and not wallow in self-pity.  There are things I want to do and at the same time recognize my arm will hurt more if I overdo it.

I never made my traditional meal of potato latkes.  I was not up to it.  My son was disappointed.  At the time it was too much.  I feel up to it now and despite the fact that Hanukkah is now over I will make the dish for my wife and I.

I will keep looking around and see what needs to be done or I want to do.  No matter what I do my arm will still hurt.  I just have to recognize that.

Tags: Hanukkah, my arm hurts, my son, my wife, potato latkes, recuperating from surgery, self-pity
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Things really do not make me happy. Christmas is fast appearing. We have received several dozen catalogs all displaying their wares and I don’t care.

Less than a week ago I had minor surgery. I don’t feel an hundred per cent. I had a fistula made. It was not that minor. I was under twice for two and half hours. (They had to repeat the operation.)

My hand is healing and I can’t do things so well with one. If I used (???) my left hand too much, it hurts too badly and sometimes I have to take pain medication.

We take so much for granted–I included. My kids were over and my son was disappointed I did not make potato latkes (a traditional Hanukkah dish).

I just could not do it. I am depressed and just want the holiday season to be over.  I can not easily do things I once took for granted.  I know it will get better but that does not make me feel any better.

Tags: Christmas, depressed, fistula, God, Hanukkah, holiday season, minor surgery, my kids, my son, potato latkes, take things for granted
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Every marriage is flawed.  I don’t know how many famous couples announce the reason for their divorce  is ‘irrevocable differences’.  Divorce today is too easy.  These couples act surprised there are rough edges to work out.  And bail out when there is sustained friction.  In the words of a friend, ‘there are no doors’.  Everything has to be worked out.  That is the way God meant it.  Of course one person can break up a marriage.  Both persons have to believe that.  Without God it is very difficult to stay in a marriage when things get too difficult.  God detests divorce.  And far too many people break up leaving a string of broken families in their wake.  We are all imperfect including our marriages.  Every marriage is flawed.

Tags: 'there are no doors', break up, divorce, divorce today is too easy, flawed, God, marriage, we are all imperfect
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I have always lived at the edge of country.  Of course, some people are more divorced from it if they are surrounded by concrete but it is always there you just have to look a little harder.

Growing up I watched my mother plant vegetables and flowers and other things.  We had a mulberry and fig and apricot tree and some of the biggest blackberries I have ever seen.

It was a small plot of land but she tilled it well.  We had fresh string beans and tomatoes.  She loved roses.  The garden was a place she could disappear in.  And she often did for hours.

We lived in a bustling little city but that garden we had was an introduction to many things.  I learned to love deep red stemmed roses.

On weekends my father brought us into the country, mountains and shore but most of my life I lived in the edge of country.  I learned to appreciate what came my way.

Today I still love birds.  I have several bird feeders that I can view from our large living room windows and watch a steady parade of chickadees and titmouse and woodpeckers just to name a few.

It all started in Mom’s garden and the weekend trips we took as a family.  I learned to love the mountains and trees and lakes and and so many other things.

Tags: apricot tree, bird feeding, bird-feeders, bird-watching, birds, blackberries, chickadees, country, edge of country, fig tree, flowers, fruit trees, garden, lakes, Mom's garden, mountains, mulberry tree, my father, my mother, nature, plant vegetables, red roses, roses, shore, string beans, titmouse, tomatoes, trees, woodpeckers
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I never waited for any future magical moment to be happy. When I had less money I still enjoyed myself–even when I did not have enough.

Although I dreamed of a normal existence–more normal that is (an existence like one day being married and have a family, children), I still did not bemoan my fate.

And it did happen. And when it did, the period was no utopia: other problems presented themselves and had to be solved. And not all of them had a solution.

Each period of my life when I had less and when I had more I still was determined to find joy in life.

I did not keep postponing my life even when there were dreams not fulfilled. Every moment I had some joy (and sometimes sorrow) in it.

And the remainder of my life I do not dread. Death will be another joy, mystery. After all, it is another part of living. And every part is to be enjoyed.

Tags: children, death another joy, death another mystery, did not keep postponing my life, dreams, enjoy life, enjoyed myself, find joy in life, happiness, joy and sorrow, life, living, marriage, problems
Posted in beauty, children, death, God, health, knowledge&learning, life, love, marriage, mental health, money, relationships, seasons, time, wisdom | No Comments »

Tilla gets all the belly rubs he wants.  He is one of my black dogs.  He rolls over quite readily asking for a belly rub.  And he usually gets it.  Why do humans have such problems in seeking affection from others?  And why does it get so complicated?

I really do not know.  Why can’t others be more honest.  Of course we can’t roll over on our bellies but we can approach each other without guile.  You are more likely to get strokes from others if you are not deceitful.

I know Tilla loves me.  He is a dog.  So what.  There is something very simple about pets:  they either like you or they don’t.  They never feign affection.  We can learn something from this behaviour.  Be who you are, whoever you are.  It will pay in the future.

Don’t be so afraid of getting hurt.  Of course, children, most children are honest and open in their dealings and expression of their emotions.  And somehow a lot of people lose something in the process of growing up.

Never pretend to be something you are not.  Others usually see through other people’s disguises.  Just be who you are.  A tall order but simple.  You will benefit in the long run.

Tags: be more honest, be who you are, belly rubs, children, dogs, don't be so afraid of getting hurt, expression of emotions, never pretend, people's disguises, pets, seeking affection, Tilla, Tilla loves me
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