Siggy's Blurbs: Siggy's Edge of Country …

Couples have issues they never resolve.  Think about it?  If both partners agree on all issues, then boredom would step in.  No matter how hard you try there will be issues you can’t resolve.

In my case, I am sloppy and my wife is a packrat.  I may be sloppy but disorder does bother me.  Dust does not bother me as much as my wife although I am the same person who wrote a poem, “I Love Dirt.”

I can not change my partner.  I try but I usually fail.  And my partner does the same, tries to change me.  Both of us are usually unsuccessful in our attempts to change the other–radically anyway.

Our basic personality is set.  Couples spend lifetimes trying to smooth out the rough edges between them.  It gives you something to do and also makes your relationship more interesting although divorce is plentiful.

Many people give up on their partners.  I don’t know how many times I read a famous couple state the reason for their breakup is ‘irrevocable differences’.

Every couple is incompatible.  You work things out and there will always be issues that never can be worked out.  And somehow you need to accept your differences.  And respect them.  That is what makes the relationship work–respect.

Tags: "I love dirt", accept your differences, cannot change my partner, couples, disorder, divorce, dust, incompatible, irrevocable differences, issues you can't resolve, my partner, packrat, relationships, respect your partner, sloppy, work things out
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Every marriage is flawed.  I don’t know how many famous couples announce the reason for their divorce  is ‘irrevocable differences’.  Divorce today is too easy.  These couples act surprised there are rough edges to work out.  And bail out when there is sustained friction.  In the words of a friend, ‘there are no doors’.  Everything has to be worked out.  That is the way God meant it.  Of course one person can break up a marriage.  Both persons have to believe that.  Without God it is very difficult to stay in a marriage when things get too difficult.  God detests divorce.  And far too many people break up leaving a string of broken families in their wake.  We are all imperfect including our marriages.  Every marriage is flawed.

Tags: 'there are no doors', break up, divorce, divorce today is too easy, flawed, God, marriage, we are all imperfect
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The love we share of music is only by serendipity.  My wife and I both intensely love music.  We grew up listening to the same artists and groups.  She is also a musician, which I am not.  The only area she knows better than me is R&B, which I never went out of my way to listen to.

She is the recipient of my DJing every day.  And to me there is no greater joy than to share a beautiful piece of music, especially something she never heard.  Both of our tastes in music are eclectic:  we listen to a broad range of music.

I was responsible for her falling in love again with Peter, Paul & Mary.  She listened to the ninety minutes I put together of them on cassette repeatedly.

I have put together dozens of anthologies on cassette culled from my extensive music collection.  I must do a good job.  The cuts usually blend pretty well and she can’t tell always tell when they have come from different albums.

I have always gone deeply in particular groups and individual performers I have loved.  I sometimes surprise her with the material I have recorded of performers she knew well.

I turned her on to British folk rock–a world she had no idea of–Fairport Convention and Steeleye Span.  And performers from England like Sandy Denny, Richard Thompson and John Tams for starters.

She was the third woman I turned on to Richard Thompson.  The second one divorced me.  The first one was a friend.  And we have gone to several of his concerts.  She has fallen in love with his songwriting and guitar playing.  We never get tired of him.

To be able to share my deep love of music with my wife is a gift.  And I never forget that.  It is a real treat.  When I am home, the stereo usually is on although I have to admit when I go out, silence reigns.  I never take that love we share for granted.  It is a real gift.

Tags: a real gift, beautiful music, British folk rock, cassette, CD, concert, divorce, DJ, don't take for granted, eclectic, England, Fairport Convention, gift, guitar playing, John Tams, joy, love of music, LP, music collection, music groups, musical anthology, musical artists, musician, my home, my wife, Peter Paul & Mary, R&B, record album, rhythm and blues, Richard Thompson, Sandy Denny, serendipity, silence, songwriting, Steeleye Span, stereo
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It is never too late to start a new tradition with your kids.  It still remains to be seen if it turns out to be a new tradition but I remain hopeful.

I never saw my two kids at Christmas time.  I was divorced since 2002 and I never remember seeing them then.  It was always a painful time for me.  I was always reminded my two kids lived with their Mom.

Last night I had my two kids over for Hanukkah (I am Jewish, too).  I decided to celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas early last night.  Hanukkah is eight days long and my “window” is much larger to see them.

I made potato latkes (potato pancakes) and cheesecake cupcakes for dinner for them and my wife.  We exchanged Christmas presents.  It was a pleasant evening and gave me hope that I might have started a new tradition.

The holidays were always a “hard” time for me.  It is never too late to start a new tradition.

Tags: cheesecake, Christmas, Christmas presents, cupcakes, dinner, divorce, eight days, Hanukkah, holidays, Jewish, mother, my kids, my wife, painful time, potato latkes, potato pancakes, start a new tradition
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All I could do was ride out it out–my depression that is.  I knew why.  My wife reminded me it was a bad time.  The “holidays” were coming up.  That was always a hard time for me.

The holidays reminded me, particularly, I was separated from my kids.  It reminded me of my divorce.  I was always glad when Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year were over.

There are such high expectations during the Christmas season.  I could never meet them.  I was, also, afraid of disappointing people around me.

Of course, this year I had health concerns and was trying to figure out what control I could exert in that area.  My depression was an accumulation of many things–a lot of which was not in my control.

I was not going to do any thing rash.  I was just going to ride it out.  I know most of the depression would lift when the new year came.  That was comforting to know.  And that was all I needed to know.  My depression would end.

Tags: Christmas, Christmas season, comforting, depression, depression would lift, divorce, health concerns, high expectations, holidays, my depression would end, my kids, my wife, New Year, not in my control, ride it out, separation, thanksgiving
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I am convinced God created marriage for only one reason:  to teach us how to love better.  That is the only reason, as far as I am concerned, this institution was created.

I am extremely self centered and narcissistic.  Marriage forces me to examine my foibles and flaws.  I mess up all the time and hurt my “other”.

I have to apologize and ask her for her forgiveness.  I know precisely how flawed I am although I, often, am not aware exactly how having definite blind spots.  Marriage forces you to examine your weaknesses and attempt to correct them.

Your partner sees the worst in you given enough time.  There is no doubt about that.  One never sees what goes on behind closed doors nor should they.

When we are in a primary relationship we have a chance to examine our flaws again.  First we have to become aware of them, then decide how we want to change.  Every family is dysfunctional.  The only question is to what degree.

When we are in a relationship we are forced to examine our shortcomings.  We have a chance to examine our childhood again.  Every relationship is flawed including our parents’.  When we live with someone nothing is hidden too long.

As time goes on, we have a chance to correct flaws we become aware of.  I laughed at my friend when he said marriage is “work” (that was in my single days).  I am no longer laughing at him.  Marriage is work.  Hopefully the pluses outweigh the minuses and the marriage survives.

Living with another is the hardest thing in the whole world.  It is the compromises we have to work out that insure the success of the marriage.  Living with another forces us to get out of our self-centeredness and forces us to love another human being better.

There are no easy answers to each marriage, each marriage is different.  There is no more common institution than marriage to change the other.  Too many people do not want to do the hard work it takes to continue the marriage or examine themselves and their flaws.  Thus the high divorce rate.  There are no easy answers to any marriage; it all takes time (and commitment) to one another.

Tags: apologize, behind closed doors, blind spots, change, childhood, commitment, compromise, divorce, dysfunctional family, examine your weaknesses, flawed, forgiveness, God, love, marriage, marriage is work, narcissistic, our parents, our shortcomings, relationship, self-centered, teach us to love better, your partner
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Telling your partner “I am sorry I hurt you” alone does not cut it. Somehow you have to stop the behavior which has hurt your partner over and over.

Your partner wants you to apologize and it starts there but she/he wants you to stop the offending behavior. Somehow your partner wants to trust you again. Every person is flawed. Nevertheless, if you do not stop hurting your partner you can not be trusted further and the apology comes off insincere.

No one wants to be hurt continually. Yes, an sincere apology starts the process toward healing but the next step is to stop hurting your partner the same way.

I know perfectly how flawed I am but I need to make an sincere effort to stop the offending behavior. When that occurs, my partner can gradually trust me again.

It is so easy to point fingers and excuse your behavior. Human beings are masters of deception. Your partner sees you at your worst. Forgiveness at the end of the day is essential for hurts can fester and causes you to explode at situations that are really nothing to do with the reasons you are upset.

Jesus when asked how many times you should be forgiven said, ‘Seventy times Seven.’ The point is each partner has to forgive the other for hurting each other endlessly. There is really no limit to the times you have to forgive the other.

Nevertheless, your partner wants more than an apology: he or she want you to stop your offending behavior. Then your partner will be able to gradually trust you.

Forgiveness is an essential first step. The next step is to stop hurting your partner. It is so easy to point fingers at someone for breakdowns in communication. It is so easy to rationalize your behavior. As I said in the last blog I wrote the only person you have most control of is yourself.

You can not change your behavior just to influence your partner. That is manipulation. Your change has to be genuine and have no strings attached.

Your partner has to be free to accept or reject your new behavior. It is time that enables your partner to trust you again. That is why I said saying you are sorry does not cut it alone. Yes, you have to first be contrite but then you have to change your behavior. That is the true test and determines first whether your partner will trust you again.

The hardest thing is the world is true communication. That takes time and effort and forgiveness and not every one is up to it. Thus so many divorces. I remember a friend once telling me marriage is work (I was single then). I laughed at his statement then. I am no longer laughing at him. He was right.

Tags: apologize, apology, Bible, change behavior, communication, control of yourself, divorce, every person is flawed, excuse your behavior, flawed, forgive each other, forgiveness, genuine, God, healing, hurt your partner, I am sorry, insincere, Jesus, manipulation, marriage is work, partner, point fingers, rationalize, seventy times seven, stop offending behavior, trust, trust you again
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