Siggy’s Blurbs

Time is the most precious thing you possess.  All of a sudden, money does not mean anything when you realize your time is running out.

This realization has become sharper to me:  I may not make it to my seventieth birthday.  I am trying to work through my depression that descended after my last visit with my nephrologist.  The report was not good.

I did some research and found out the mortality rate of people put on dialysis was depressing:  over twenty per cent die the first year and over two thirds in a five year period.

I could be facing my end.  Material things did not matter much any more.  Time can not be bought.  It is the most precious thing you possess.  This was all brought to the forefront.  And I did not want to waste it.

Tags: cannot buy time, depressing, depression, dialysis, do not waste time, face my end, material things do not matter much, money, mortality rate, nephrologist, time is precious, time running out
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The isolation that follows depression is the worst thing about it.  It is self perpetuating:  you feel all alone and then depressed.  You are depressed, thus you feel alone.  It is a vicious cycle.

Somehow you need to break it.  In the beginning it is very difficult.  I was there.  I started to think of everything I should be grateful for.

Some things were material like the fence we made taller this year so all our dogs could be contained in our yard.  One dog could jump the fence and we wanted him to run wild again.

Four dogs who love me all in their own way was a thing to be thankful for.  I had a special relationship with one–”Tilla.”  That was no small thing.

I had to look for a crack in my depression.  At first it would be small but if I continued it would get bigger and bigger.  Finding things to be grateful for was a start.

Tags: be grateful, break the cycle, crack in my depression, depression, difficult, dogs, dogs love me, feel all alone, fence, isolation, material things, self-perpetuating, small crack, thankful, Tilla, vicious cycle, yard
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All I want you to do is listen, not feel sorry for me.  The prognosis was not good.  My kidney function had declined and I might have to undergo dialysis within a year.

My depression further increased when I learned only a third of the people undergoing dialysis survive five years and there was , also, a greater chance of of stroke and heart disease.

Suddenly I realized I might not make it even to sixty- five.  My mortality became real.  Everyone knows that they are going to die eventually but act as if death will never come and when it does others act surprised and think it is a terrible thing.

I wanted to talk openly about this latest development but I felt odd bringing it up with certain loved ones and friends.  Death has become a taboo.  It is not discussed openly in our society.

I did not want sympathy.  I did not want others to feel sorry for me.  Instinctively I knew who I could not discuss my situation with.  I felt odd with them.

With those people when they ask me how I am doing, I just say “fine.”  I really wanted someone to listen, to be able to share my fears –my fears of hopelessness, of being in pain and discomfiture, dependent on others, afraid of losing my mental facilities.

I just wanted to go out in grace and peace.  Death was knocking.  There are no certainties.  It just did not look good.  I will grab every bit of control I can in my situation.  I just did not want to do it alone.

Tags: death, death is taboo, dependent, depression, dialysis, discomfiture, discuss death openly, don't feel sorry for me, don't want to do it alone, every bit of control, friends, go out in grace, hopelessness, kidney function, listen, loved ones, metal facilities, mortality, pain, peace, prognosis not good, share my fears, society, someone to listen, sympathy
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One of the worst things about depression is the isolation that follows:  it is self perpetuating.  In the middle of your depression your problems are accentuated and blown out of proportion.

When you make the effort to leave your private circle and talk to other people your problems fade a bit:  you find out talking to other people that they have problems, too.

They may be different than yours but when you make the effort to go out of the house you find out is everyone is dealing with something.

Depression isolates yourself and your problems are magnified out of proportion.  When you stay in your house, you never find out this.

When you force yourself to mingle with others (and this can be very difficult in a depressed state) you invariably find out you are not alone:  everyone is dealing with something.

If you give in to your inclination not to be with anyone your depression becomes deeper and deeper so fight that desire to keep to yourself.  It is always helpful when you the leave the confines of your home.  Your problems always seem smaller.

Tags: depression, go out of the house, isolation, out of proportion, problems accentuated, talk to other people, you are not alone
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I have been struggling for a number of weeks with depression.  I decided I would be more careful with certain things that were in my control particularly the TV I watched and the music I listened to.

I would be more careful with those two things.  Both of them I had control of.  I just had to exert it.  Too much of the TV I watched revolved around mayhem and murder and the music I listened to was simply not very edifying.

I certainly can avoid both.  It would take awhile but I was acting as if I had no control of my moods and was a victim.

Let me see what happens if I become more careful of the TV programs I watched as well as the music I took in.

What if I played music and TV that was more edifying?  Maybe my depression would lift or my moods would improve.  It certainly was worth trying.

And I imagine if I looked at my life more carefully there would be other things that were more in my control but I will start off with these two things.

Tags: control, depression, edify, music, not a victim, TV
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Sometimes in the throes of depression all you can do is the next thing.  So that is what you focus on–the next thing that needs to be done in your life.  And sometimes when you do that–keep going to the next pressing task your depression will eventually lift.

Depression can be very selfish (and my intent is certainly not to make people who are in the midst of depression to feel guilty).  Nevertheless depression can numb you, prevent you from seeing very clearly and all you can do is to look at your life and deal with the next thing that has priority.  Then when you do the next thing another next thing shows up in your life.

Sometimes you are depressed because you are doing so little and doing the next thing will help eventually lift your depression.  Forcing yourself to physically move is a good thing whether or not you feel like it.

In the beginning it takes extra energy to get going.  Continually doing the next thing may get you going.  In the beginning it will take a bit of faith for you will not feel like moving.  Depression can be a deceiver.

If everyday you keep doing the next thing, before you know you will be more in control of your life and there will be less “loose ends”.  The advice from the bible is very wise, ‘Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.’

Tags: Bible, control, depression, do not worry about tomorrow, do the next thing, extra energy to get going, faith, loose ends, numb, physically move, priority, trouble
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Thanks God for habits.  I have been struggling with depression for a few weeks.  Thank God for habits.  Thank God that each day I have to get dressed, shaved, feed the pets, and I am sure this is an incomplete list.

There are tasks that have to be done every day despite how we feel.  These tasks that have to be performed every day prevent us from giving in to our feelings.  We absolutely have to do these daily things.

A job can be like that.  No matter how you feel you have to perform your job.  Depression can make you very self centered.  Tasks you have to do, that get you going and out of your self can be a good thing.  Thank God for habits.

Tags: depression, everyday tasks, habits, Job, self-centered, thank God
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I have to go back to my center:  gratitude.  I have been struggling for at least two weeks with depression.  Depression (or self-pity) is selfish and magnifies your self-importance.  It has its place but you should not linger too long there.

I need to thank God for every blessing — to have a sense of gratitude for my life.  Gratitude is my center.  I think less of me when I go back there.  There is so much I have to be thankful for.

Sitting in my driveway is our new used vehicle which was only possible to buy because my family (my two sisters and my aunt) contributed money toward a purchase of another car.

It is so easy to forget your blessings and get into a unforgiving cycle.  When you start thanking God for your every blessing, miracles happen.  You no longer have the luxury of wallowing in self-pity.

That is what I have to do today–keep returning to my center, develop a sense of gratitude for my every blessing.  Then depression just evaporates.

Tags: aunt, be thankful, blessing, car, depression, family, gratitude, miracles, my center, self-importance, self-pity, selfish, sister, thank God
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Depression can be a result of one major event but often it is an accumulation of a series of unresolved small matters.  Tackle each matter you have some control of, step by step, and usually your depression will lift.  It might take awhile, hours, days and sometimes a few weeks.

Somehow you need to examine your life and see what is on the surface, see what is bothering you.  It is often an accumulation of many small things.  Each small matter that you can exert some or more control of the sooner your depression will lift.

In this state it is usually a good idea to baby yourself a bit.  Start doing things that usually give you pleasure.  In the beginning it may be hard to remember the things you did in the past that always gave you pleasure but start somehow.

Just be patient, your depression will probably lift given enough time.  Just start.  Obtain solace from the fact depressions usually are temporary:  they will lift but you have to exert the power or control in your life you can.  It just takes time and effort.

And remember in the beginning, it will take greater effort:  an object at rest to get going will take greater energy and once you get moving it will take less and less extra energy to keep going.  So be patient in the beginning with your inertia (your state of depression).  It will get easier and easier as your depression eases but you have to make a greater effort in the beginning.

And by no means am I am saying to forgo professional help if you need it.  It may mean being put on an anti-depressant to buy time while you learn better coping mechanisms.  There is never shame in seeking the help of a doctor or counseling or both if you can not come out of your depression by yourself.  You do not have to do it alone.

Tags: anti-depressant, coping mechanisms, counseling, depression, do not have to do it alone, doctor, effort, extra energy to get going, inertia, patience, professional help, take control, time, unresolved matters
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You never have to do it alone.  Depression is borne of isolation.  Reach out to others in need you will break the spell of isolation.  We can not do it alone any way.

Isolation is bad for your problems become magnified.  And when you reach out to others your problems fade into the background.

The truth is every one has problems.  Solving them is what makes life interesting.  The only people who do not have problems are under ground.  So relish yours and at the same time reach out to others in need.  ‘No man is an island’ in the words of John Donne.

Tags: depression, do it alone, isolation, John Donne, no man is an island, problems, problems magnified, reach out to others
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The one thing I know for certain about my depression is this:  it will end.  That is no small discovery.  Sometimes I can figure out why and sometimes not, but one thing I know for certain it will end.  Yes, I still have periods of them.  Maybe, I am fortunate my spells of depression do not usually last more than a few hours.  There were time in my life when this was not true:  they went on for weeks and months at a time and now the spells of depression I have usually do not last more than several hours.  I have to take meds although none of them are anti-depressants.  One of them is a mood stabilizer.  When in the throes of depression it is like being in a deep well and it is so dark you can not see the sides and the light but I am always comforted by the knowledge the depression will lift.  I just don’t know exactly when.

Tags: depression, meds, seasons, time
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I realized this morning I awoke depressed–something that does not happen to me too often.  I was abnormally busy the last two days.  I did not get enough rest and too many things have gone wrong (though small things).  I have to take better care of myself, reduce my work load, eat properly.  I am going to lay low the next few days.  Then, at some point, the depression should lift.

Nothing happens in a vacuum including depression.  There is an intricate relationship between our body and our mind.  My depression is telling me something is wrong, something needs correcting.  I need to take better care of myself.  I have to learn to listen to my body and mind.  Sometimes depression is just a physical thing.  Fatigue is often a factor.  Everyone has limits.  I have to observe mine.

Tags: balance, depression, fatigue, knowledge, learning, mind/body
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