Feb
17
2010
My wife did not want to put a paper clip on the documents she spent six hours preparing. We had a short conversation regarding that and I finally let it go. It seemed such a small thing. And I did not understand but I acquiesced. It was her business. Later on she revealed the reason. Sometimes we don’t want to do a certain thing. And it is really a small matter. And sometimes it is not. You just have to let it go. And not force the issue.
Feb
13
2010
It was one small thing: my dirty socks were sometimes inside out but finally she started complaining about it for she did the laundry and had to make them right side out. Finally I made sure the dirty socks I placed on the dryer were right side in.
It was a small thing but marriage is composed of many small acts. Things you work out between you. And every marriage is different. It was important to her that I not place my dirty socks inside out on the dryer so I did it. Little things matter.
Feb
7
2010
After seven years my wife and I are still struggling with this. I get up before her and have sufficient time to wake up and slide into my day. I usually get up two or three hours before her. I have my own routine to greet my day.
Unfortunately my wife often does not have a chance to do the same. When she gets up I am usually revved and wide awake. I don’t know how many times my wife has lost her temper at me because I did not permit her time to get up and awake and would not stop talking to her.
Then my feelings are hurt. And it may takes hours for us to recover from that. I have suggested she go to the office and do her devotionals there and wait until she is ready for company.
She would indicate this by then entering the living room. Of course I would leave her alone while she is in the office. I have suggested this before. I am hoping she tries this out. I do not know why this is so hard to work this out between the two of us. We will see.
Feb
5
2010
A marriage (or any other committed relationship) gives you another chance to do your childhood all over. That seems like an odd statement but think about it: your mate comes from at best similarly though not totally alike childhoods raised by different parents.
You always have blind spots. And so does your partner. Marriage gives you an opportunity to expose some of these. And change in the process. Live with a person day in and day out and you have seen the positive and negative points of your partner.
And some of these points you were blind to until you had them pointed out usually in some kind of conflict. Every relationship has conflict. And conflict forces you to reexamine attitudes you possess that you may not have given much thought to until they caused you problems.
Usually couples who do not fight with one another are not dealing with their differences and flaws they possess. Compromises ensure the success in the relationship. And sparks usually fly in the process.
Eventually hopefully the rough edges between both of you are smoothed out. Marriage gives you the opportunity to face blind spots and grow. In a way no other common institution does.
Dec
9
2009
Every person gives what they can, when they can, to whoever they can. It is important to have low expectations of your acquaintances (and certainly your friends).
Thus, you can never be disappointed and when one comes through and gives you something unexpectedly (and let us not forget the gift of their time probably the most precious commodity a person possesses), you simply can be grateful and consider it serendipity.
One can not live inside another and know what goes on, what pressures and concerns that person is facing. It is hard enough when you live with someone so you can imagine how difficult it is with someone else.
When another person reaches out to you, you ought to be grateful and accept the gift. Others give what they can, when they can. That does not means you should not try to reach out to others around you.
Just be aware others often do not acknowledge your efforts and certainly do not always return the “favor” to put it one way. You need to love others particularly your neighbors (and even strangers) unconditionally.
A relationship may blossom when you least expect it to. And that is how it usually goes.
Nov
25
2009
When death is knocking at your door, money fades in importance. It is so easy to delude ourselves: that your time on this earth is forever. But when the realization comes it is running out (often due to illness or old age) your money (and possessions) are no longer that important.
All of a sudden other things come to the forefront: your relationship with loved ones, maybe your legacy also. Your possessions which maybe you spent a lifetime accumulating do not matter that much.
Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft and the richest person in the whole world, realized that when he founded with his wife what is today’s largest private foundation pouring in it more and more of his energy and resources (billions of dollars) in that endeavor.
In my case, I can not take my journals, books and music I spent a lifetime collecting with me when I go. I have to figure out what is truly important in my life. I do not want to waste time.
Often when someone faces his/her deathbed and realizes the way they spent their time really does not matter. Your impending death shifts your priorities and also forces you to reexamine your value system.
Too many people die alone because they did not invest time in others. Did not Jesus say, “When you lose your life, you find it”. I think that is a paraphrase.
When you are in the dusk of your life, you find out the most valuable commodity you possess is time. All the money in the world can not buy you one more minute on earth.
That realization forces you to examine your life carefully. It is never too late to make a change although it is easy to regret the time you lost in fruitless endeavors. You can never turn back the clock but there is always today.
Oct
22
2009
Your growth is stunted when you can not tolerate even the slightest degree of criticism. You feel you must be perfect in order to be loved. And everyone is flawed.
Having to feel you must be a “nice” person all the time is not a good thing. It prevents you from being real. Being genuine is knowing you can make mistakes and those around you will still love you.
When you can not tolerate even the slightest degree of criticism, others have to walk delicately around you. Others have a harder time being genuine around you.
There really is nothing wrong with being “nice” but the question is at what price? If it is all the time, something is wrong.
You become afraid of others seeing how you really are. You have to let down your shields at least with some people. When you truly feel loved, this become easier.
When you can not tolerate any one being critical the slightest degree, you are handicapped at work, at home and in your significant relationships. In every area.
It is a long uphill journey to corect the damage usually caused during childhood. And a lot of people make it back successfully and learn to love and be loved. There is alwys hope.
May
22
2009
Conflict is good. It forces you to connect with your partner at a deeper level. You want to resolve your conflict, to seek peace with your partner.
In order to do that you have to reach deep within you, find the solution to resolve the impasse. This is all good. You must seek a creative solution to break the impasse.
In the process your roots are entangled with your partner, making your connection that much deeper. Conflict brings your deepest feelings to the surface.
After peace comes, you know your conflict resolution was genuine. Couples who do not argue are not facing their conflict head on but are superficially connecting with one another.
Anger indicates you have hit a nerve and you need to find a solution pleasing to both–often a compromise. Then a calm can come bringing peace to the couple. One needs to be kind in the process otherwise too many hurt feelings will hinder your resolution of your conflict.
Conflict can be a good thing. In the wake of a genuine solution, a couple’s relationship can become that much stronger. Conflict, in that case, is always beneficial.
May
22
2009
When love is not enough,
You fight
Wonder
If you are right for each other
When love is not enough,
Angry, hurt words are spoken
Shattering the peace
When love is not enough
Sex disappears
And you wonder
What you ever
Saw in one another
When love is not enough
I have to forgive
My partner
For being
As imperfect
As I Am
When love is not enough
You have to start
From the beginning
Uncertain, unsure
Never knowing
Is love enough
Apr
4
2009
The first thing you do with broken records is realize you are one, too. Our mate appears, at times, to be a broken record: the same problems come up again and again and the same solutions are offered. And your partner does not seem to approach their problems any differently.
Be compassionate. You are no different. As you do not want your mate to give up on you, do not give up on your mate.
Each of us are very flawed and not only that appear “stuck” sometimes. Give your mate the same privilege. You do not want her to give up on you so do not give up on her.
I often wondered why someone should never give up on a drug addict. Bear with me. This is an appropriate example.
Sometimes a drug addict is repeatedly in and out of facilities. One should never give up on that person and I have to say you do not want to enable the person but nevertheless you should never give up on that person. The reason for that is simple. One never knows when that person is going to turn the corner, recover and stop being an addict.
In the same way, entrenched habits sometimes will change. The thing is not to alienate the other in the process. In a marriage each person comes with baggage. The person often is not aware of some of that baggage. That is one thing marriage does: change the other. That is the most common institution to do that.
Every marriage is really dysfunctional. The family each of the persons grew up in was dysfunctional. The only question is to what degree. We are all imperfect.
What marriage does (or any other primary relationship) is to bring out your shortcomings.
In a relationship nothing is usually hidden for too long, and to go back to the original topic every partner hears the same old story from the other. Anyway, that is the way it seems after awhile.
All you can do is love your partner. Sometimes a partner will turn the corner in a certain area and sometime not. Each partner has to love the other. I am convinced marriage was set up for one reason–to teach us how to love unconditionally.
We are all broken records at times but all we want is to be loved despite our faults. So next time your partner sounds likes a broken record realize you are one, too, just a different one. Flaws are flaws.
Mar
17
2009
You should cleave to your mate, which means not just sexually but every which way. There could be too much togetherness. There always has to be some space between both of you. This separateness expands and contracts. That is known as communication.
Each partner needs a sense of perspective about themselves and the other. An outside friend always helps. Someone you feel safe with and at the same time does not threaten your relationship. Particularly in relationships you have with the opposite sex you have to be very careful. Engage in communication under very safe conditions that do not unnecessarily threaten your partner.
And your situation becomes very difficult when every relationship threatens your partner. It is a balancing act. You always need to maintain your integrity. Loyalty to the higher standard (truth, God, and if you want to call it the higher power) is always essential.
You want to remain loyal to your mate but at the same time it is important to keep your sense of perspective. The only way that can be done is by having outside friends. Those relationships also prevent you from becoming stale to your partner. It is a paradox: you must cleave to your mate but at the same time keep some distance (or proper perspective about each other). Both partners are enriched by outside friends.
And each time your contact ends with your friend you have something more to share with your partner–maybe a slightly different take on something. It is, always, as I said a balancing act. You are aways enriched by maintaining your perspective about each other. The last thing you want to do is have your relationship to become inbred (and stale). Then your view of each other becomes magnified (instead of realistic).
Mar
12
2009
Coco can only do one thing: she loves. When she sees you, she wiggles excitedly in every which direction and and slobbers on your face. You have no doubt she loves you and is extremely glad to see you.
The ability she has to love you seems quite elementary. For a dog, that is. Yet, so many people have quite a problem with it–expressing love and affection openly. In fact, so many people are much more comfortable with their pets than humans. There is no deceit, no lies, twisted truths demonstrated towards them by their pets. They either like you or don’t. There is no guile.
Of course, each animal has their personality. Coco will stay out in the yard for hours all by herself and also when she is in the house she will often lie down on our bed all by herself. She likes her privacy. She is loved by everyone in this house and loves back freely. That is no small thing. There is a reason so many people own dogs. They forgive quickly, just ask you for a bowl of food and water and do not make many demands beyond that except occasionally to sit on your lap and be petted. Wouldn’t it be nice if others’ demands were that simple? Love is never a simple thing. Dogs , though, make it appear that way.
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