Siggy’s Blurbs

Can one person completely satisfy the needs of another?  I once had a major fight with a girl friend over that.  She said “Yes.”  I said, “No.”  Sure, you want your “other” to satisfy most of your needs but all?  To me, that relationship would become awfully ingrown (and stale).  Other relationships add to your main one.  Of course, you have to be very careful how you carry on with the opposite sex.  And maintain a relationship very carefully so you don’t threaten your partner.  Under very special, open conditions.  I can’t delineate the boundaries.  You have to do that.  Maybe a relationship in his/her presence as couples.  We are all different and other people bring out different qualities in you.  And then these qualities brought out by someone else you can add to your main relationship.  Relationships with the same sex are a little easier to maintain.  It is always a balancing act.  You do not want to diminish your relationship with your partner.  Each person you meet should add something positive to you.  Having a network of friends takes some of the pressure off your mate.  No one person can satisfy all your needs.  Nor  should you try.

Tags: girl friend, network of friends, opposite sex, relationships, satisfy all your needs, your mate, your other, your partner
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Life is always about connections:  the relationships you make and maintain.  You should never neglect your mate but there is always a danger your relationship will become stale.  Sometimes a simple thing like leaving the house and doing a chore is good.  You find out others have problems and you are not alone.  People have a way of expressing their present concerns.  Sometimes it is a question of eavesdropping.  You are just there.  Like shopping in a food aisle.  Other times, you may want to reach out in some way.  Each person has a deep need to be listened to.  You just may be that person but you have to make yourself available.  No one lives in a vacuum.  Sometimes you have to take a chance–open up to someone.  There is no such thing as small talk.  Yes, it is true it may stay there but often it is an opening for you to take.

It is just not good to stay in the house all the time.  Our thoughts just revolve.  And we need to break the cycle.  Sometimes it means taking chances with perfect strangers.  You never know when you will meet an angel.  And furthermore how can you possibly make new friends if you do not take a chance by revealing something personal about you?  Each friend you have was once a stranger.  Never stop reaching out.  Life is about relationships.  In John Dunn’s words, ‘No man is an island’.  We don’t exist by ourselves.  We are all connected.  Each person has a deep need to love and be loved.

Tags: an angel, connections, doing a chore, eavesdropping, friends, John Dunn, life, listen, make yourself available, need to love and be loved, no man is an island, open up to someone, reach out, relationships, shopping, small talk, stay in the house, strangers, thoughts, we are all connected, you are not alone, your mate
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The worse thing about depression is you isolate yourself.  Staying in the house reinforces your isolation.  Going out in the sunlight is therapeutic.  All of a sudden you are exposed to different and other worlds.

Even if you do not talk to others (and this is hard not to do), you realize your world is not the only world.  There are multiple universes around you evolving.  A simple thing like going to the post office or the local supermarket can make a difference in your life.  You rub elbows with other people.

You hear snatches of conversations even if it is not directed at you.  It makes a difference.  Others have struggles in their life.  It is so easy to magnify your problems.  Going out exposes you to other peoples’ lives.

And there are those who have fractured relationships–marriages that are breaking up or simply for one reason or another are presently under a lot of stress.  And you overhear conversations that reflect this.

You are not alone.  You may find yourself reaching out to others.  And none of this would have happened if you continued to isolate yourself.  Go out.  It matters.  And reach out to others.  Your problems may shrink in proportion to others.  Isolation is never good.

Tags: conversation, depression, go out, isolate yourself, magnify your problems, marriage, other people, post office, reach out to others, relationships, stay in the house, stress, struggles in life, sunlight, supermarket, talk to others, therapeutic, you are not alone, your problems, your world
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Couples have issues they never resolve.  Think about it?  If both partners agree on all issues, then boredom would step in.  No matter how hard you try there will be issues you can’t resolve.

In my case, I am sloppy and my wife is a packrat.  I may be sloppy but disorder does bother me.  Dust does not bother me as much as my wife although I am the same person who wrote a poem, “I Love Dirt.”

I can not change my partner.  I try but I usually fail.  And my partner does the same, tries to change me.  Both of us are usually unsuccessful in our attempts to change the other–radically anyway.

Our basic personality is set.  Couples spend lifetimes trying to smooth out the rough edges between them.  It gives you something to do and also makes your relationship more interesting although divorce is plentiful.

Many people give up on their partners.  I don’t know how many times I read a famous couple state the reason for their breakup is ‘irrevocable diffferences’.

Every couple is incompatible.  You work things out and there will always be issues that never can be worked out.  And somehow you need to accept your differences.  And respect them.  That is what makes the relationship work–respect.

Tags: "I love dirt", accept your differences, couples, disorder, divorce, dust, incompatible, irrevocable differences, issues you can't resolve, my partner, packrat, relationships, respect your partner, sloppy
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My wife did not want to put a paper clip on the documents she spent six hours preparing.  We had a short conversation regarding that and I finally let it go.  It seemed such a small thing.  And I did not understand but I acquiesced.  It was her business.  Later on she revealed the reason.  Sometimes we don’t want to do a certain thing.  And it is really a small matter.  And sometimes it is not.  You just have to let it go.  And not force the issue.

Tags: documents, just have to let it go, marriage, my wife, paper clip, relationships, wisdom
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It was one small thing:  my dirty socks were sometimes inside out but finally she started complaining about it for she did the laundry and had to make them right side out.  Finally I made sure the dirty socks I placed on the dryer were right side in.

It was a small thing but marriage is composed of many small acts.  Things you work out between you.  And every marriage is different.  It was important to her that I not place my dirty socks inside out on the dryer so I did it.  Little things matter.

Tags: balance, clothes dryer, dirty socks, laundry, little things matter, love, many small acts, marriage, relationships, socks inside out, washing machine, wisdom, work things out between you
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After seven years my wife and I are still struggling with this.  I get up before her and have sufficient time to wake up and slide into my day.  I usually get up two or three hours before her.  I have my own routine to greet my day.

Unfortunately my wife often does not have a chance to do the same.  When she gets up I am usually revved and wide awake.  I don’t know how many times my wife has lost her temper at me because I did not permit her time to get up and awake and would not stop talking to her.

Then my feelings are hurt.  And it may takes hours for us to recover from that.  I have suggested she go to the office and do her devotionals there and wait until she is ready for company.

She would indicate this by then entering the living room.  Of course I would leave her alone while she is in the office.  I have suggested this before.  I am hoping she tries this out.  I do not know why this is so hard to work this out between the two of us.  We will see.

Tags: devotionals, marriage, morning routine, my wife, relationships, time to wake up, work out problems
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A marriage (or any other committed relationship) gives you another chance to do your childhood all over.  That seems like an odd statement but think about it:  your mate comes from at best similarly though not totally alike childhoods raised by different parents.

You always have blind spots.  And so does your partner.  Marriage gives you an opportunity to expose some of these.  And change in the process.  Live with a person day in and day out and you have seen the positive and negative points of your partner.

And some of these points you were blind to until you had them pointed out usually in some kind of conflict.  Every relationship has conflict.  And conflict forces you to reexamine attitudes you possess that you may not have given much thought to until they caused you problems.

Usually couples who do not fight with one another are not dealing with their differences and flaws they possess.  Compromises ensure the success in the relationship.  And sparks usually fly in the process.

Eventually hopefully the rough edges between both of you are smoothed out.  Marriage gives you the opportunity to face blind spots and grow.  In a way no other common institution does.

Tags: blind spots, childhood, compromise, conflict, couples, marriage, parents, relationships, smooth out rough edges, sparks fly, we are flawed, your mate, your partner
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Every person gives what they can, when they can, to whoever they can.  It is important to have low expectations of your acquaintances (and certainly your friends).

Thus, you can never be disappointed and when one comes through and gives you something unexpectedly (and let us not forget the gift of their time probably the most precious commodity a person possesses), you simply can be grateful and consider it serendipity.

One can not live inside another and know what goes on, what pressures and concerns that person is facing.  It is hard enough when you live with someone so you can imagine how difficult it is with someone else.

When another person reaches out to you, you ought to be grateful and accept the gift.  Others give what they can, when they can.  That does not means you should not try to reach out to others around you.

Just be aware others often do not acknowledge your efforts and certainly do not always return the “favor” to put it one way.  You need to love others particularly your neighbors (and even strangers) unconditionally.

A relationship may blossom when you least expect it to.  And that is how it usually goes.

Tags: accept the gift, acquaintances, be grateful, blossom, gift of your time, give what you can, give when you can, hard to know what others are facing, love unconditionally, love your neighbors, precious commodity, reach out to others, relationships, return the favor, serendipity, your efforts, your friends
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When death is knocking at your door, money fades in importance.  It is so easy to delude ourselves:  that your time on this earth is forever.  But when the realization comes it is running out (often due to illness or old age) your money (and possessions) are no longer that important.

All of a sudden other things come to the forefront:  your relationship with loved ones, maybe your legacy also.  Your possessions which maybe you spent a lifetime accumulating do not matter that much.

Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft and the richest person in the whole world, realized that;   when he founded with his wife what is today’s largest private foundation pouring in it more and more of his energy and resources (billions of dollars) in that endeavor.

In my case, I can not take my journals, books and music I spent a lifetime collecting with me when I go.  I have to figure out what is truly important in my life.  I do not want to waste time.

Often when someone faces his/her deathbed and realizes the way they spent their time really does not matter.  Your impending death shifts your priorities and also forces you to reexamine your value system.

Too many people die alone because they did not invest time in others.  Did not Jesus say, “When you lose your life, you find it”.  I think that is a paraphrase.

When you are in the dusk of your life, you find out the most valuable commodity you possess is time.  All the money in the world can not buy you one more minute on earth.

That realization  forces you to examine your life carefully.  It is never too late to make a change although it is easy to regret the time you lost in fruitless endeavors.  You can never turn back the clock but there is always today.

Tags: accumulating things, Bill Gates, billions of dollars, books, death knocking at your door, deathbed, die alone, do not waste time, dusk of your life, examine your life, fruitless endeavors, God, illness, impending death, invest time in others, Jesus, journals, loved ones, make a change, Microsoft, money, music, never too late, old age, our time on earth, possessions, private foundation, regrets, relationships, richest person in the world, shift your priorities, spend your time, there is always today, time, turn back the clock, when you lose your life you find it, writer, writing, your legacy, your value system
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Your growth is stunted when you can not tolerate even the slightest degree of criticism.  You feel you must be perfect in order to be loved.  And everyone is flawed.

Having to feel you must be a “nice” person all the time is not a good thing.  It prevents you from being real.  Being genuine is knowing you can make mistakes and those around you will still love you.

When you can not tolerate even the slightest degree of criticism, others have to walk delicately around you.  Others have a harder time being genuine around you.

There really is nothing wrong with being “nice” but the question is at what price?  If it is all the time, something is wrong.

You become afraid of others seeing how you really are.  You have to let down your shields at least with some people.  When you truly feel loved, this become easier.

When you can not tolerate any one being critical the slightest degree, you are handicapped at work, at home and in your significant relationships.  In every area.

It is a long uphill journey to corect the damage usually caused during childhood.  And a lot of people make it back successfully  and learn to love and be loved.  There is alwys hope.

Tags: "nice" person, being genuine, being real, childhood, damage during childhood, everyone is flawed, feel loved, handicapped, let down your shields, love and be loved, make it back, mistakes, must be perfect to be loved, relationships, stunted growth, there is always hope, tolerate criticism, walk delicately
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Conflict is good. It forces you to connect with your partner at a deeper level. You want to resolve your conflict, to seek peace with your partner.

In order to do that you have to reach deep within you, find the solution to resolve the impasse. This is all good. You must seek a creative solution to break the impasse.

In the process your roots are entangled with your partner, making your connection that much deeper. Conflict brings your deepest feelings to the surface.

After peace comes, you know your conflict resolution was genuine. Couples who do not argue are not facing their conflict head on but are superficially connecting with one another.

Anger indicates you have hit a nerve and you need to find a solution pleasing to both–often a compromise. Then a calm can come bringing peace to the couple. One needs to be kind in the process otherwise too many hurt feelings will hinder your resolution of your conflict.

Conflict can be a good thing. In the wake of a genuine solution, a couple’s relationship can become that much stronger. Conflict, in that case, is always beneficial.

Tags: anger, argue, be kind, compromise, conflict resolution, love, marriage, peace, relationships
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