Siggy's Blurbs: Siggy's Edge of Country …

I tried to answer the not so small question: What is in my control? I have been grabbling (???) with depression for two months. This morning I tried to stop and ask myself that question.

The answers are not so easily forthcoming. Dialysis is on the horizon. There are financial concerns. And I can’t seem to shake my depression.

There is the trust to help me when I need it. And the inheritance from my aunt down the road. But money and things don’t seem to satisfy me.

It has to go beyond that. The holidays are coming. And that is always a hard time for me but I have to keep asking myself: What is in my control? It is difficult to see that right now.

Tags: depression, dialysis, financial concerns, God, holidays, money and things don't satisfy, what is in my control
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I have to face the day as if it mattered (and it will).  That means I do not spend the day in the clothes I slept in.  I dress, shower, shave, and brush my teeth.  Then I figure out what needs to be done the most and work my way down the list.

I do not linger around and bemoan my fate.  There are always things that need to be done.  Some are more important than others.  You can have too much time on your hands.

When you act as if the day truly matters to you, depression will not stay because you are physically moving.  Every day you have choices.

When you pick wisely, you have something to show for your waking hours.  And it all starts in the beginning of your day so act as if it matters and it will.

Tags: act as if the day matters, beginning of your day, bemoan my fate, clothes I slept in, depression, face the day, things to be done, you have choices
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Thank God for deep depression!  That may sound crazy but bear me out.  We all have seen the television ads:  there is no doubt depression hurts–yourself and every one around you but there is no magic pill to dispel it although the right medication might help temporarily.  And there is nothing wrong with that.

Just realize deep depression is often a profound indicator that at your core of your being there is something radically wrong.  You are not who you are supposed to be.  You know it and it is exhibited as depression because you can’t tolerate that knowledge and your mind and body is numbed as a result.

I am not trying to make you feel guilty nor do I have the temerity to tell you what you ought to be doing.  There is no magic bullet to lift the depression.  And you can not do it alone.  You need someone at your side–a trusted adviser, a facilitator.

It does not matter who you use.  Your mate is usually not a good choice.  You need someone who is not invested in your life.  The depression can lift given time but it will happen gradually and will require work on your part.

A body at rest stays at rest and will take extra energy to get going.  A basic law of physics but it can be applied to someone who is looking for answers and is starting to be the person they were meant to be.

It is very difficult at first:  your mind and body is literally depressed and as I said it will take extra energy in the beginning to get going.  There are no easy answers.  You have to explore what is at your core–what you really want to do with your life.

The word for vocation (which is not necessarily your job) comes from the Latin root vocare which means to call.  Your vocation is literally your calling, your reason to be–your driving force.

No one can tell you what your vocation ought to be:  you have to find out yourself.  Someone can guide you in that search but nevertheless yours is unique.

Depression often occurs because you have thwarted your most sacred calling.  I am convinced if you start doing more and more each day what your inner most calling is telling you to do your depression will gradually lift.

There are no easy answers.  And the world is full of people who are quick to tell you what you ought to be doing.  You have to find out yourself.  I like the title of the book, “Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow”.

It is true the closer your life follows your inner most calling the more successful you will be with your life for you will be happier with your life.  I did not say necessarily rich but successful.  Life is not always fair.

Your deep depression is an indicator your life has strayed from what that little voice inside of you is telling you to do.  To that extent you ought to thank your depression.  It give you an opportunity to right your life.  You only have one life.

Tags: "Do What You Love The Money Will Follow", basic law of physics, body at rest stays at rest, can not do it alone, depression, extra energy to get going, facilitator, God, Latin root vocare, life not always fair, looking for answers, no easy answers, not who you are supposed to be, sacred calling, someone at your side, successful life, thank God, thank your depression, to call, trusted adviser, vocation, you only have one life, your calling
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Which comes first:  the depression or the depressed thoughts.  It was unusual.  I fell into a depression early in the morning and then could find all kinds of reasons to justify it.

Most of the time I become depressed in the late afternoon or evening because of fatigue.  I can’t give that reason this time obviously.

I just wonder though.  Was it totally biochemical or was it an accumulation of events that set off a depression.  One more is just enough to tip over the bucket and cause depression.

I really do not know sometimes.  Nor do I spend an inordinate time trying to figure it out.  Depressions sometimes come and go.  That Is all I need to know.  They will end.

Tags: accumulation of events, biochemical, depressed thoughts, depression, depressions come and go, depressions will end, fatigue
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It was just one more thing:  the thermostat appeared to stop working in the kitchen.  I really did not know even how to take it off the wall.  I was depressed for the second day in a row.  There were too many things in my life I felt I had no control of.  It is not necessary to list them but depression was a result.  If I could work on some of those things maybe my depression would lift.  I will start with what I could change even a little bit.  We will see what will happen.

Tags: depressed, depression, felt I had no control, one more thing, start with what I could change, thermostat
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Nothing had changed from yesterday and today.  Yesterday I was depressed.  And today I was not.  The only difference I could gather was that last night I got a solid night sleep.  Sometimes the explanation for a depression is that simple:  I was overly fatigued.  And the depression lifts after a good night sleep.  It is that simple.  There is no complicated psychological reason.

The depression was totally physical.  I sometimes forget that.  I always have to look at that first.  It could be that simple.  I am aware I have a tendency to become depressed when I don’t sleep well and enough.  Or overdo it or both.  Every one is different.  I just have to respect my limits.

Tags: depressed, depression, fatigue, good night sleep, overdo it, physical, psychological reason, respect my limits, sleep well
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Nothing extraordinary happened yet a series of events followed.  And they all mattered.  I was depressed.  I did not know why but I got my body moving and focused on things outside of me.

I did mundane things like feeding our dogs and cats and filling their water bowls.  I stepped out of the house briefly and realized it was an absolutely gorgeous day in January–forty-four degrees and I wanted to spend part of the day outside.

I scattered sunflower seed and regular bird seed on the ground.  I filled one bird feeder with sunflower seed.  I know I will stare out my living window and watch the antics of the birds during the day.

I did other tasks like taking out the trash.  The discovery of my new mittens which I had misplaced brought a smile to my face.  I reminded myself we had dinner in the refrigerator.  I made a pot roast last night and there was still plenty left over.

I was still depressed but I was physically moving which was a good thing.  Sometimes you just don’t know exactly why you are depressed but I know it will end.  I did not give in to it.  That was the important thing.  I don’t always understand my moods.

Tags: bird feeder, bird feeding, bird seed, bird-watching, birds, depressed, depression, depression will end, don't give in to depression, feed the cats, feed the dogs, fill the animals' water bowls, focus on things outside yourself, get your body moving, go outside, gorgeous day, January, leftovers, living room window, mundate things, my moods, new mittens, outside the house, pot roast, sunflower seed, take out the trash
Posted in balance, beauty, health, knowledge&learning, life, local, mental health, nature, seasons, time, wisdom | 1 Comment »

I could not understand why I did not want to go to church.  Today I did.  It has been going on for two months.  Today it hit me.  I did not know how to discuss the prognosis of my doctor.

For a long time I assumed I might live somewhere to the ripe old age of maybe eighty or ninety (that is how long my mother and father lived respectively) but now I am not sure I will make it to sixty-five.  I am now sixty-one now (???).

I did not know how to openly discuss my fears on death.  Or at least I was afraid to.  I did fall into a depression.  I realized my staying away was a way I had of indicating in a passive way there was something seriously wrong with me.  I had been going regularly–every Sunday morning to my little church.

Tags: church, depression, doctor, fear of death, live to a ripe old age, my father, my little church, my mother, old age, prognosis, something wrong with me, Sunday morning
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All I could do was ride out it out–my depression that is.  I knew why.  My wife reminded me it was a bad time.  The “holidays” were coming up.  That was always a hard time for me.

The holidays reminded me, particularly, I was separated from my kids.  It reminded me of my divorce.  I was always glad when Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year were over.

There are such high expectations during the Christmas season.  I could never meet them.  I was, also, afraid of disappointing people around me.

Of course, this year I had health concerns and was trying to figure out what control I could exert in that area.  My depression was an accumulation of many things–a lot of which was not in my control.

I was not going to do any thing rash.  I was just going to ride it out.  I know most of the depression would lift when the new year came.  That was comforting to know.  And that was all I needed to know.  My depression would end.

Tags: Christmas, Christmas season, comforting, depression, depression would lift, divorce, health concerns, high expectations, holidays, my depression would end, my kids, my wife, New Year, not in my control, ride it out, separation, thanksgiving
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The right word spoken to you can be like honey:  It soothes the throat right away.  Bless the people who have the wisdom to utter to you just the right words at the right time.

I walked into his office flustered, stating “My wife is driving me crazy”!  And my doctor immediately retorted, “Isn’t that what all wives do?”  I felt like he gave me back my life.  I was not that unusual.

I have been dealing with depression after meeting with my nephrologist several weeks ago.  I mentioned that to the other doctor and he said, “That seems perfectly normal considering the life changes the other doctor was contemplating you undergoing.”

I felt better after his statement.  It did not take away my depression but at least I felt it was normal being depressed under those circumstances.  And I just had to work through it.

That is why it is so important not to isolate yourself.  When you talk to others outside the home you often find out other people are experiencing the same thing or what you are going through is perfectly normal.

You never find out those things out if you stay in your house and do not talk to others.  An apt word spoken just at the right time can soothe your fears which often run wild if kept to themselves.

Remember, ‘No man is an island’.  These words of John Donne have calmed many a person when they decided to stop isolating themselves.  It is amazing how many times the right advice can soothe yours fears that have run wild in the confines of your home.

We are really wired to be social “animals” and have much more in common with one another than we realize but we have to take a chance and reach out to others.  Then we find that out.  It is not necessary to do it alone.

Tags: a lot in common, apt word, calm, depression, doctor, don't do it alone, don't isolate yourself, fears run wild, God, John Donne, life changes, like honey, my wife, nephrologist, no man is an island, normal, reach out to others, right advice, social animals, soothe your fears, stay in your house, talk to others, the right word, wisdom, work through it
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Time is the most precious thing you possess.  All of a sudden, money does not mean anything when you realize your time is running out.

This realization has become sharper to me:  I may not make it to my seventieth birthday.  I am trying to work through my depression that descended after my last visit with my nephrologist.  The report was not good.

I did some research and found out the mortality rate of people put on dialysis was depressing:  over twenty per cent die the first year and over two thirds in a five year period.

I could be facing my end.  Material things did not matter much any more.  Time can not be bought.  It is the most precious thing you possess.  This was all brought to the forefront.  And I did not want to waste it.

Tags: cannot buy time, depressing, depression, dialysis, do not waste time, face my end, material things do not matter much, money, mortality rate, nephrologist, time, time cannot be bought, time is precious, time running out
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The isolation that follows depression is the worst thing about it.  It is self perpetuating:  you feel all alone and then depressed.  You are depressed, thus you feel alone.  It is a vicious cycle.

Somehow you need to break it.  In the beginning it is very difficult.  I was there.  I started to think of everything I should be grateful for.

Some things were material like the fence we made taller this year so all our dogs could be contained in our yard.  One dog could jump the fence and we wanted him to run wild again.

Four dogs who love me all in their own way was a thing to be thankful for.  I had a special relationship with one–“Tilla.”  That was no small thing.

I had to look for a crack in my depression.  At first it would be small but if I continued it would get bigger and bigger.  Finding things to be grateful for was a start.

Tags: be grateful, break the cycle, crack in my depression, depression, difficult, dogs, dogs love me, feel all alone, fence, find things to be grateful for, four dogs, isolation, material things, pets, self-perpetuating, small crack, thankful, Tilla, vicious cycle, yard
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