Siggy's Blurbs: Siggy's Edge of Country …

Today is Father’s Day:  it is not a given:  you earn it.  You earn it by doing your job right, supporting your family, going to work every day, even when you do not feel like it.

You earn it by spending time with your kids, day in day out.  Being a father is a privilege.  It is not simply genetics.  It is loving your kids even when they “mess up”.

You know damn well you are flawed.  Being a father is apologizing to your kids when you made a mistake.  God knows, we all err.

Being a father is encouraging each kid to follow his/her dreams even if that was not a path you would have followed but each kid has their own dream.

Being a father is encouraging your kid when they fall down and encouraging them to get up again and not give up.

There are so many things a father does.  Maybe the most important thing a father can do is to set the example for them to follow.  There is no more important thing a parent can do than the right thing even when it costs.  Honesty and integrity have their price.

Being a parent is forgiving your mate when he/she has made a mistake.  Being a parent (and father) is loving your wife at all costs.  Maybe that is the greatest example you can set.  Transmit fidelity and trust and love.  I can not sum up being a father in three more important words than that.

Maybe I will add another:  integrity, fidelity, trust and love.  Transmit all those things to your children and you have succeeded in your role as a father.  Being a father is a lifetime occupation.  You are in it for the long haul.  A lifetime.

Tags: apologize for mistakes, being a father, do the right thing, don't give up, encouragement, fall down and get up, Father's Day, fidelity, follow dreams, forgiveness, genetics, go to work, God, honesty, integrity, lifetime occupation, long haul, love, love your wife, loving your kids, made a mistake, privilege, set an example, spend time with your kids, support your family, trust, we all err, we are all flawed, your mate
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I am convinced God created marriage for only one reason:  to teach us how to love better.  That is the only reason, as far as I am concerned, this institution was created.

I am extremely self centered and narcissistic.  Marriage forces me to examine my foibles and flaws.  I mess up all the time and hurt my “other”.

I have to apologize and ask her for her forgiveness.  I know precisely how flawed I am although I, often, am not aware exactly how having definite blind spots.  Marriage forces you to examine your weaknesses and attempt to correct them.

Your partner sees the worst in you given enough time.  There is no doubt about that.  One never sees what goes on behind closed doors nor should they.

When we are in a primary relationship we have a chance to examine our flaws again.  First we have to become aware of them, then decide how we want to change.  Every family is dysfunctional.  The only question is to what degree.

When we are in a relationship we are forced to examine our shortcomings.  We have a chance to examine our childhood again.  Every relationship is flawed including our parents’.  When we live with someone nothing is hidden too long.

As time goes on, we have a chance to correct flaws we become aware of.  I laughed at my friend when he said marriage is “work” (that was in my single days).  I am no longer laughing at him.  Marriage is work.  Hopefully the pluses outweigh the minuses and the marriage survives.

Living with another is the hardest thing in the whole world.  It is the compromises we have to work out that insure the success of the marriage.  Living with another forces us to get out of our self-centeredness and forces us to love another human being better.

There are no easy answers to each marriage, each marriage is different.  There is no more common institution than marriage to change the other.  Too many people do not want to do the hard work it takes to continue the marriage or examine themselves and their flaws.  Thus the high divorce rate.  There are no easy answers to any marriage; it all takes time (and commitment) to one another.

Tags: apologize, behind closed doors, blind spots, change, childhood, commitment, compromise, divorce, dysfunctional family, examine your weaknesses, flawed, forgiveness, God, love, marriage, marriage is work, narcissistic, our parents, our shortcomings, relationship, self-centered, teach us to love better, your partner
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Telling your partner “I am sorry I hurt you” alone does not cut it. Somehow you have to stop the behavior which has hurt your partner over and over.

Your partner wants you to apologize and it starts there but she/he wants you to stop the offending behavior. Somehow your partner wants to trust you again. Every person is flawed. Nevertheless, if you do not stop hurting your partner you can not be trusted further and the apology comes off insincere.

No one wants to be hurt continually. Yes, an sincere apology starts the process toward healing but the next step is to stop hurting your partner the same way.

I know perfectly how flawed I am but I need to make an sincere effort to stop the offending behavior. When that occurs, my partner can gradually trust me again.

It is so easy to point fingers and excuse your behavior. Human beings are masters of deception. Your partner sees you at your worst. Forgiveness at the end of the day is essential for hurts can fester and causes you to explode at situations that are really nothing to do with the reasons you are upset.

Jesus when asked how many times you should be forgiven said, ‘Seventy times Seven.’ The point is each partner has to forgive the other for hurting each other endlessly. There is really no limit to the times you have to forgive the other.

Nevertheless, your partner wants more than an apology: he or she want you to stop your offending behavior. Then your partner will be able to gradually trust you.

Forgiveness is an essential first step. The next step is to stop hurting your partner. It is so easy to point fingers at someone for breakdowns in communication. It is so easy to rationalize your behavior. As I said in the last blog I wrote the only person you have most control of is yourself.

You can not change your behavior just to influence your partner. That is manipulation. Your change has to be genuine and have no strings attached.

Your partner has to be free to accept or reject your new behavior. It is time that enables your partner to trust you again. That is why I said saying you are sorry does not cut it alone. Yes, you have to first be contrite but then you have to change your behavior. That is the true test and determines first whether your partner will trust you again.

The hardest thing is the world is true communication. That takes time and effort and forgiveness and not every one is up to it. Thus so many divorces. I remember a friend once telling me marriage is work (I was single then). I laughed at his statement then. I am no longer laughing at him. He was right.

Tags: apologize, apology, Bible, change behavior, communication, control of yourself, divorce, every person is flawed, excuse your behavior, flawed, forgive each other, forgiveness, genuine, God, healing, hurt your partner, I am sorry, insincere, Jesus, manipulation, marriage is work, partner, point fingers, rationalize, seventy times seven, stop offending behavior, trust, trust you again
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I am convinced that the only reason marriage was put on this earth was to teach one another how to love.  I know I am extremely self-centered and am forced in this relationship to consider another.

Your mate see everything about you.  Given enough time together, your other sees all the different sides of you–the worst as well as the best.

Each partner has rough edges and what ensures the success of the marriage is how well you work our your differences.  That takes time and the process can be rough as it often is and hopefully as time goes some of these rough edges are smoothed out.

Each marriage is incompatible.  Each of us comes from different backgrounds–raised by different people all imperfect.  At best, our childhoods were somewhat similar but sometimes not.

Imagine how boring it would be if we understand each other perfectly.  One lifetime is really not enough time to learn about each other.

Love and forgiveness is the glue that holds a marriage together.  And mystery and mystique drives it.

Tags: childhood, different backgrounds, forgiveness, God, incompatible, love, marriage, mate, mystery, mystique, partner, relationship, rough edges smoothed out, self-centered, teach you how to love, we are all imperfect, work out differences, your mate
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Coco can only do one thing:  she loves.  When she sees you, she wiggles excitedly in every which direction and slobbers on your face.  You have no doubt she loves you and is extremely glad to see you.

The ability she has to love you seems quite elementary.  For a dog, that is.  Yet, so many people have quite a problem with it–expressing love and affection openly.  In fact, so many people are much more comfortable with their pets than humans.  There is no deceit, no lies, twisted truths demonstrated towards them by their pets.  They either like you or don’t.  There is no guile.

Of course, each animal has their personality.  Coco will stay out in the yard for hours all by herself and also when she is in the house she will often lie down on our bed all by herself.  She likes her privacy.  She is loved by everyone in this house and loves back freely.  That is no small thing.  There is a reason so many people own dogs.  They forgive quickly, just ask you for a bowl of food and water and do not make many demands beyond that except occasionally to sit on your lap and be petted.  Wouldn’t it be nice if others’ demands were that simple?  Love is never a simple thing.  Dogs, though, make it appear that way.

Tags: animals, Coco, dog sleeps on bed, dogs, dogs make love appear simple, each animal has their personality, express love and affection openly, forgiveness, God, love, no guile, pets, relationships
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Church is composed of people–other very flawed human beings.  The only thing a church can do is to demonstrate the love of God although it is not the church who does that.  It is really individuals who demonstrate love.  It is always done one on one.  Jesus taught his disciples one on one.  In fact He did more than that:  He transmitted love.  Your talk does not matter if love is not demonstrated in your life.  Truth is not enough.  Ultimately each person wants to be loved.  That is the only way one truly can find out about the all encompassing love of Jesus–not from the church but through individuals who chose to love the people God puts in front of them.  Thus, I hate religions who over and over claim to know the only way.  There is only one way you can find about the love of God–through contact with an individual who lets the love of God flow through his/her spirit and chooses to love the very flawed people who He puts in his way.  Love is the only thing that matters.  Forgiveness is embodied in love.  He died for you.  Only you.  And only another individual can transmit that to you.

Tags: church, church is composed of people, demonstrate the love of God, disciples, each person wants to be loved, everyone wants to be loved, flawed human beings, forgiveness, God, He died for you, individuals who let the love of God flow through their spirit, Jesus, Jesus transmitted love, love is the only thing that matters, love of God, love the people God puts in front of you, one on one, religion, religions, spirit, your spirit
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