Siggy's Blurbs: Siggy's Edge of Country …

‘With whom I can be what I want to be.’ This is a line from a song of a Ian Anderson album (“Benefit”–Jethro Tull).  I understood this line perfectly.  It is important what friends you surround yourself with:  they can either bring you up or down.  It is critical, also, whom you choose as your mate.  He/she can help you be what you ought to be or get in the way.  I could not do all the writing I do had it not been for my wife’s support.  I would not have my web site (siggyscafe.com) or blog (siggyscafe.com/Blog) if it was not for her.  No one can completely fulfill your needs but it is important to be around others as much as you can who support your most important endeavors.  Another words, who let you be who you want to be.  You will be happier in the long run.

Tags: "Benefit" album by Jethro Tull, be what I want to be, blog, fulfill your needs, fulfilling your mission, Ian Anderson, music, my wife, support from your mate, web site, writing, your friends, your mate
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Don’t trap others:  always give each person a gracious way out.  I was, particularly, thinking of my “other.”  I try to give her as much freedom as I can.  If you make a request, make sure she has a way out.  Don’t trap her.  Always give her a gracious way to say, “No.”  Your mate does not exist solely for you.  She has her own set of desires and aspirations.  Hopefully you can help her with a few and with her growth.  Encouragement not entrapment.  You’re supposed to be her helpmate.

Tags: a gracious way out, desires and aspirations, encouragement, freedom, helpmate, my other, not entrapment, your mate
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Can one person completely satisfy the needs of another?  I once had a major fight with a girl friend over that.  She said “Yes.”  I said, “No.”  Sure, you want your “other” to satisfy most of your needs but all?  To me, that relationship would become awfully ingrown (and stale).  Other relationships add to your main one.  Of course, you have to be very careful how you carry on with the opposite sex.  And maintain a relationship very carefully so you don’t threaten your partner.  Under very special, open conditions.  I can’t delineate the boundaries.  You have to do that.  Maybe a relationship in his/her presence as couples.  We are all different and other people bring out different qualities in you.  And then these qualities brought out by someone else you can add to your main relationship.  Relationships with the same sex are a little easier to maintain.  It is always a balancing act.  You do not want to diminish your relationship with your partner.  Each person you meet should add something positive to you.  Having a network of friends takes some of the pressure off your mate.  No one person can satisfy all your needs.  Nor should you try.

Tags: couples, girl friend, network of friends, opposite sex, relationships, satisfy all your needs, your mate, your other, your partner
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Life is always about connections:  the relationships you make and maintain.  You should never neglect your mate but there is always a danger your relationship will become stale.  Sometimes a simple thing like leaving the house and doing a chore is good.  You find out others have problems and you are not alone.  People have a way of expressing their present concerns.  Sometimes it is a question of eavesdropping.  You are just there.  Like shopping in a food aisle.  Other times, you may want to reach out in some way.  Each person has a deep need to be listened to.  You just may be that person but you have to make yourself available.  No one lives in a vacuum.  Sometimes you have to take a chance–open up to someone.  There is no such thing as small talk.  Yes, it is true it may stay there but often it is an opening for you to take.

It is just not good to stay in the house all the time.  Our thoughts just revolve.  And we need to break the cycle.  Sometimes it means taking chances with perfect strangers.  You never know when you will meet an angel.  And furthermore how can you possibly make new friends if you do not take a chance by revealing something personal about you?  Each friend you have was once a stranger.  Never stop reaching out.  Life is about relationships.  In John Dunn’s words, ‘No man is an island’.  We don’t exist by ourselves.  We are all connected.  Each person has a deep need to love and be loved.

Tags: an angel, connections, doing a chore, eavesdropping, everyone has problems, friends, John Dunn, life, listen, make new friends, make yourself available, need to love and be loved, no man is an island, open up to someone, reach out, relationships, shopping, small talk, stay in the house, strangers, thoughts, we are all connected, you are not alone, your mate
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You have to get past ‘the glow’ in a relationship.  At first everything about your mate seems perfect but then conflict comes and you realize how flawed your other is.

Realizing, also, you are flawed, too, helps.  You have greater compassion toward your mate.  The honeymoon is now over and whether you survive as a couple is how you work out your differences.

It is in the crucible of fire where your survival is determined.  Somehow you need to work out differences between you and smooth out the rough edges.

That means there will be conflict between the two of you.  And that is normal.  Compromise is the key and that is work.  Then your real marriage begins.  And there is no easy path there.  And everybody’s path is different.  It is yours alone.

Tags: compromise is the key, conflict, God, have compassion, honeymoon, relationships, smooth out the rough edges, we are all flawed, work, work out differences, your mate
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Every marriage is flawed and it does me no good to point out my wife’s flaws to her.  I just forgive her and go on from there.  We are all imperfect (and sin).

There is no way to get around that.  I have to admit I balked at the statement I read in a book where it says it does no good to criticize anyone:  it just lessens our ability to love that person.

I know I often criticize my partner even if it is only self talk.  Somehow I need to forgive her for not matching up every day.  I certainly don’t.  So why should I expect her to not make any mistakes?  I err every day.

Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath is good advice from the Bible.  Give each other a clean slate and forgive each other at the end of each day.

Bitterness can form an almost impenetrable wedge between you and your mate.  So recognize that both of you are flawed and forgive each other at the end of the day.  Every marriage is flawed.

Tags: ability to love, Bible, bitterness, criticize, don't let the sun go down on your wrath, end of the day, err, every marriage is flawed, forgive, forgive each other, give a clean slate, God, impenetrable wedge, love, marriage, mistakes, my wife, self talk, we all sin, we are all flawed, we are imperfect, your mate
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A marriage (or any other committed relationship) gives you another chance to do your childhood all over.  That seems like an odd statement but think about it:  your mate comes from at best similarly though not totally alike childhoods raised by different parents.

You always have blind spots.  And so does your partner.  Marriage gives you an opportunity to expose some of these.  And change in the process.  Live with a person day in and day out and you have seen the positive and negative points of your partner.

And some of these points you were blind to until you had them pointed out usually in some kind of conflict.  Every relationship has conflict.  And conflict forces you to reexamine attitudes you possess that you may not have given much thought to until they caused you problems.

Usually couples who do not fight with one another are not dealing with their differences and flaws they possess.  Compromises ensure the success in the relationship.  And sparks usually fly in the process.

Eventually hopefully the rough edges between both of you are smoothed out.  Marriage gives you the opportunity to face blind spots and grow.  In a way no other common institution does.

Tags: blind spots, childhood, compromise, conflict, couples, marriage, parents, relationships, smooth out rough edges, sparks fly, we are flawed, your mate, your partner
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I know I can’t be liked by everyone.  It really is impossible.  In fact, I found out often the people I dislike the feeling is often mutual.  I am who I am.  I know that.

If you insist everyone like you, you please no one.  It is really out of your control.  If you try to please everyone, you sway with every change of the wind and get viewed as a pansy.

Presidents know that very well.  All of them find out no matter what they do someone will not be happy with them.  And the best ones accept that.

I do not deliberately try to alienate any one.  Of course, you do not like it when your mate does not like something you do.  Although likes and dislikes come and go.  That is why commitment is so important.  It enables you to ride out the rough periods.

I did find that even if I initially dislike a fellow worker given enough time I usually end up liking the person.  But it takes time.  Maybe that is why your initial impression of someone has to be tempered with time.

You never know when your impression of someone will change.  Nevertheless you can’t be liked by every person.  And you just have to accept that.  There is no way to get around that.  So enjoy your friends.  They picked you.

Tags: can't be liked by everyone, commitment, dislike, enjoy your friends, fellow worker, initial impression of someone, likes and dislikes, please no one, president, tempered with time, time, your mate
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Love and hate is always mixed.  You can love your mate and also hate her at the same time.  To be ambivalent toward your mate can be normal.  Somehow you have to suspend those feelings and accept they both can exist at the same time.

Usually you are attracted to your other for she/or he has something you lack.  The cliche is if both of you are the same, one of you is unnecessary.  There is a lot of truth to that.

The whole is often better than the two parts.  You were drawn to your partner because she/he had something you lacked.  And visa versa.  Your partner can bring out the best in you and sometime the worst in you.  You just have to ride it out.

No one has the power to enrage you as your partner.  The person who is the closest to you who knows more about you than any one else–all your weaknesses and all your strengths.

Love and hate can be present at the same time.  Just accept that.  Don’t be surprised when those two feelings are elicited at the same time.  You do not have to react to both of them.  Accept the ambivalence.

Tags: accept the ambivalence, ambivalent, bring out the best in you, bring out the worst in you, God, if both are the same one is unnecessary, love and hate, person closest to you, something you lack, strengths, weaknesses, whole better than the two parts, your mate
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I am convinced the only reason marriage exists is to teach us how to love better.  Each person is sinful (and very imperfect).  And selfish.  Living with another forces us to examine our own foibles.

Some marriages are a better fit than another.  It does not matter.  At some point, there is going to be conflict.  And how successfully you work it out determines the success of your marriage.

Each person is selfish and conflict draws this out.  The vows say for better or worse, in sickness or health.  Commitment is always the key.  Do you ride out the rough moments?  Every marriage will have difficult times.

Your partner sees all your sides given enough time.  The good points of yours as well as your bad side.  Nothing is hidden.

Only love can transcend them.  That is why I say the institution of marriage was created for only one reason–to teach us how to love better.

Your rough points given enough time in a marriage becomes smoothed over.  Love is always the key.  And commitment makes it work.

Tags: commitment is the key, conflict in marriage, for better or worse, God, imperfect, in sickness and in health, institution of marriage, living with another, love, love is the key, marriage, marriage teaches us to love better, only love can transcend, our foibles, ride out rough moments, selfish, sinful, success of marriage, teach us to love, wedding vows, work out conflicts, your mate, your partner
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Sometimes you just have to let things go.  It does not matter if you or your mate was right.  You have to give your mate a clean slate every day.  ‘Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath’–lines from the New Testament.

The devil uses unforgiveness to pit one mate against the other.  And we are all imperfect.  And each day each person make mistakes so it is important to let them go and start the day afresh.

There is wisdom in those lines from the Bible.  If you do not forgive the other for their failures, resentment builds and drives a wedge between you.

Forgiveness allows you to love your partner fully and with humility.  Each person knows in their heart that they are not perfect so why should you expect your partner to be otherwise?

Tags: Bible, clean slate every day, devil, don't let the sun go down on your wrath, drive a wedge between you, everyone makes mistakes, failures, forgiveness, God, humility, know in your heart, let things go, love your partner, New Testament, no one is perfect, resentment, start each day afresh, we are all imperfect, who is right, wisdom, your mate
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It is never too late to say “thank you” to your wife.  In every marriage you fall into tasks:  you divide the work among you.  Each person does certain things.  It is often tasks we like doing.

It is easy to take the jobs your mate does routinely for granted.  My wife loves the computer and keeps it running smoothly.  She also balances the checkbook and does our laundry.

It is very easy to take these things for granted.  Somehow I have to look at the things she does, stop taking them for granted and also acknowledge and thank her.

It is never too late to do this.  There is nothing worst then a disgruntled mate.  Everyone wants to feel appreciated.  Noticing what your mate does is a good start.

Tags: a good start, balance the checkbook, computer, daily tasks, disgruntled mate, divide the work, do laundry, everyone wants to feel appreciated, housework, marriage, my wife, never too late, say thank-you, take for granted, your mate
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