Siggy's Blurbs: Siggy's Edge of Country …

I don’t know why having order of your possessions is so important.  And of course your mate has a different idea what that means.  We still have several hundred cassettes I don’t want or am not too interested in.  I am happy they are hidden from sight in the garage.  My wife considers them still valuable.  To be fair to her we have gotten rid of some but cassettes are really dinosaurs.  Almost no one wants them any longer.  I have to admit I still use my cassette deck.  Most of the time to play collections of music I put together.  Someone I know has all his music stored somewhere on a hard drive.  And he is not the only one.  LP’s are also dinosaurs.  They stopped making them in 1987 although vinyl is making a comeback.  I still have, maybe, two thousand stored in my living room.  As neatly and unobtrusively as I can.

Our living room has become neater.  There used to be piles of papers and our books on the bookcases were doubled up–no longer so I don’t want to complain too much about this room.  We have made progress in making it neater.  Every couple’s idea of order is different.  Some houses are less cluttered and some even look so clean you can eat off the floor.  Cleanliness and order are two different discussions.  They are not exactly the same thing.  And cleanliness is, also, another issue you have to work out between couples.  As order, usually each partner has a different idea what is acceptable.  Somehow you have to find the middle ground.

Tags: bookcases, books, cassettes, cleanliness and order, clutter and order, collecting casettes and LP's, couples, LP's, making order in the house, music, my wife, the importance of order and cleanliness in the houseworking, vinyl records, your possessions
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There is nothing sweeter than forgiveness.  It was only two days ago tempers between my wife and I flared over finances.  (Is there anything else couples fight over?)  Sure, but that seems to be a big area of disagreement.  Sparks flew between the two of us.  I did not act too nice or becoming.  She slept terribly that night and the only reason I didn’t was I took a pill at bed time.  We resolved our differences when both of us were calmer.  Sometimes you have to sit on opinions.  It really does no good to state your side over and over, which I did.  I forgot I needed to give my partner time.  The next day after the argument we hugged and made up.  There really is nothing sweeter than forgiveness.

Tags: anxiety, argument, couples, fight, finances, forgiveness, hugged, made up, my wife, opinions, resolve differences, sleep, tempers flared
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Can one person completely satisfy the needs of another?  I once had a major fight with a girl friend over that.  She said “Yes.”  I said, “No.”  Sure, you want your “other” to satisfy most of your needs but all?  To me, that relationship would become awfully ingrown (and stale).  Other relationships add to your main one.  Of course, you have to be very careful how you carry on with the opposite sex.  And maintain a relationship very carefully so you don’t threaten your partner.  Under very special, open conditions.  I can’t delineate the boundaries.  You have to do that.  Maybe a relationship in his/her presence as couples.  We are all different and other people bring out different qualities in you.  And then these qualities brought out by someone else you can add to your main relationship.  Relationships with the same sex are a little easier to maintain.  It is always a balancing act.  You do not want to diminish your relationship with your partner.  Each person you meet should add something positive to you.  Having a network of friends takes some of the pressure off your mate.  No one person can satisfy all your needs.  Nor should you try.

Tags: couples, girl friend, network of friends, opposite sex, relationships, satisfy all your needs, your mate, your other, your partner
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Do all couples go through this?  She was complaining I would steal her half of the comforter away from her waking her up.  And she usually did not fall asleep again so quickly.  I decided to give each of us our own sheet.  It seems to be working.  I have been waking her up less.  Marriage is working out every detail–especially when there is some problem between the two of you.  You are not always successful but you need to try.

Tags: comforter, couples, marriage, my wife, sheets, sleep, working out details
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Why do couples fight so hard about money?  The reasons are simple although not so easily corrected.  What you spend your money on represents your values.

And it is also a control thing:  who makes the decision on what.  And sometimes when you do not have enough you bicker more.

I have no easy answers except a couple needs to make up their mind who makes the decisions on what.  It is also a matter of trust.  Usually one partner is freer with spending and the other is tighter.

That is actually a good thing.  You have to work things out between the two of you and each person acts as a check and balance on the other.

A couple has to have agreement on their handling of money.  Otherwise, there will be constant conflict in that area.  That is one major area each couple just has to work out.

Tags: a control thing, check and balance, conflict, couples, fight about money, handling of money, marriage, money, trust, your values
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Couples have issues they never resolve.  Think about it?  If both partners agree on all issues, then boredom would step in.  No matter how hard you try there will be issues you can’t resolve.

In my case, I am sloppy and my wife is a packrat.  I may be sloppy but disorder does bother me.  Dust does not bother me as much as my wife although I am the same person who wrote a poem, “I Love Dirt.”

I can not change my partner.  I try but I usually fail.  And my partner does the same, tries to change me.  Both of us are usually unsuccessful in our attempts to change the other–radically anyway.

Our basic personality is set.  Couples spend lifetimes trying to smooth out the rough edges between them.  It gives you something to do and also makes your relationship more interesting although divorce is plentiful.

Many people give up on their partners.  I don’t know how many times I read a famous couple state the reason for their breakup is ‘irrevocable differences’.

Every couple is incompatible.  You work things out and there will always be issues that never can be worked out.  And somehow you need to accept your differences.  And respect them.  That is what makes the relationship work–respect.

Tags: "I love dirt", accept your differences, cannot change my partner, couples, disorder, divorce, dust, incompatible, irrevocable differences, issues you can't resolve, my partner, packrat, relationships, respect your partner, sloppy, work things out
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In a marriage each person does what he/she wants within reason.  My wife likes to do the laundry so she does the laundry.  I am driven to make sure we get at least one good meal a day so I do most of the cooking.

She balances the checkbook to the penny.  I never liked doing that so I certainly do not mind.  I stopped even writing in it for I would make small errors in it posting figures and when we got our monthly statement it would take her hours to find the errors.

There are some things I do for she simply won’t do them.  I empty and put new litter in the cat litter boxes.  I do the shopping.  I am not sure why but every time she goes with me we spend too much money.  Besides, she does not like to shop.

I do not like to clean.  She does just about all of it.  I do vacuum occasionally.  I could go on and on.  A couple divides the tasks as much as possible along the lines of what you want to do.

Of course, there are always tasks neither like doing and one person just decides to do them.

Tags: balance the checkbook, cat litter boxes, chores, clean the house, cleaning, cook meals, couples, daily tasks, divide the work, do laundry, grocery shopping, marriage, money, my wife, shopping, vacuum cleaner
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A marriage (or any other committed relationship) gives you another chance to do your childhood all over.  That seems like an odd statement but think about it:  your mate comes from at best similarly though not totally alike childhoods raised by different parents.

You always have blind spots.  And so does your partner.  Marriage gives you an opportunity to expose some of these.  And change in the process.  Live with a person day in and day out and you have seen the positive and negative points of your partner.

And some of these points you were blind to until you had them pointed out usually in some kind of conflict.  Every relationship has conflict.  And conflict forces you to reexamine attitudes you possess that you may not have given much thought to until they caused you problems.

Usually couples who do not fight with one another are not dealing with their differences and flaws they possess.  Compromises ensure the success in the relationship.  And sparks usually fly in the process.

Eventually hopefully the rough edges between both of you are smoothed out.  Marriage gives you the opportunity to face blind spots and grow.  In a way no other common institution does.

Tags: blind spots, childhood, compromise, conflict, couples, marriage, parents, relationships, smooth out rough edges, sparks fly, we are flawed, your mate, your partner
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No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try you are still going to displease your “other”.  Be aware you are going to fail.  Breakdowns in communication between couples, even to the best of us, happen all the time.

Do not get overly frustrated when that happens and make the best of it.  I keep quoting my doctor who responded to my comment, “My wife is driving me crazy.” by saying, ‘Don’t all wives do that?  Join the club!’

Scott Peck in one of his books states, ‘People get married for the friction.’  There is no other common institution like marriage to change us.

Each person is selfish.  Living with another forces you out of your comfort zone and makes you examine your behavior in a way you would not have to if you were living alone.

I have a friend who once told me, ‘Marriage is work.’  I laughed at him at the time.  I did not believe him.  I was single at the time.  I am no longer laughing at him.  He was right.

Tags: "my wife is driving me crazy", "people get married for the friction", breakdown in communication, couples, displease your other, each person is selfish, examine your behavior, God, join the club, living alone, M. Scott Peck, make the best of it, marriage changes us, marriage is work, married, my doctor, no matter what you do, single, you will fail, your comfort zone
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I have to allow my wife to disagree but it is difficult and that causes me all kinds of problems.  We had little fights, usually, when I have felt she was unreasonable and had no business meddling in something that was my really my business (???).

For example, our car needed vacuuming and I wanted to go into town to the local car wash to use the vacuum cleaner.  She said we have a perfectly good Shop Vac to use on the car.  That was true.

To use it, I had to run an extension cord outside and drag out the Shop Vac from the basement.  I would rather plunk three quarters in the machine in town, quickly vacuum the car and be done with it.  When she found out what I did, she gave me the silent treatment for a few hours.

The latest spat was when I was making cheesecake cupcakes and I ran out vanilla.  She said I would be fine if I swish out the bottle for the remaining part of the recipe.

I ran down to the store for more vanilla.  She was not too happy with me and I became angry at her for giving me a hard time.

To me, it was “small shit” and I could not understand why it was so important to her.  The problem was really my reaction to her.  I became angry, raised my voice.  It is amazing what couples fight over.

To me life is too short.  What usually happens is our will clashes.  And then sparks fly.  I guess this is the perennial fight between couples:  how they resolve differences.

How many marriages broke up because he left toothpaste smeared on the bathroom sink one time too often?  Or some small thing like that taking the couple over the edge.

Marriage is working out every detail between the partners.  And there are probably some problems you will never resolve but hopefully not too many over the span of the relationship.

Hopefully most of the “rough” edges” between the two of you get smoothed out over time.  Too much unresolved conflict is not healthy.

Tags: argue, basement, become angry, car wash, cheesecake, clash of wills, couples, cupcakes, disagree, fight, health, life is short, marriage, meddling in my business, my wife, our car, problems, raise my voice, resolve differences, shop vac, silent treatment, sparks fly, toothpaste, unresolved conflict, vacuum cleaner, vanilla, what couples fight over, your partner
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Conflict is good. It forces you to connect with your partner at a deeper level. You want to resolve your conflict, to seek peace with your partner.

In order to do that you have to reach deep within you, find the solution to resolve the impasse. This is all good. You must seek a creative solution to break the impasse.

In the process your roots are entangled with your partner, making your connection that much deeper. Conflict brings your deepest feelings to the surface.

After peace comes, you know your conflict resolution was genuine. Couples who do not argue are not facing their conflict head on but are superficially connecting with one another.

Anger indicates you have hit a nerve and you need to find a solution pleasing to both–often a compromise. Then a calm can come bringing peace to the couple. One needs to be kind in the process otherwise too many hurt feelings will hinder your resolution of your conflict.

Conflict can be a good thing. In the wake of a genuine solution, a couple’s relationship can become that much stronger. Conflict, in that case, is always beneficial.

Tags: anger, argue, be kind, compromise, conflict can be a good thing, conflict resolution, couples, hurt feelings, love, marriage, peace, relationships, seek peace, your deepest feelings
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