Siggy's Blurbs: Siggy's Edge of Country …

It was a simple realization:  the only person I can change is me.  I have no control of others.  In this case my wife.  Things had become a little ragged between us.  There was too much tension between us.  Tempers flared too often.  And I wanted it back to the way it used to be.

And this popped into my head:  I have absolutely no control of my “other”.  I do have control of me.  And that gave me hope, that our situation would improve.

Telling my wife you did this or that wrong was futile.  I had to figure out what I could change in me, how I could react differently to her.

Steven R. Covey in one of his books explained you always have a split second to choose your reaction to another.  There is that space.  You do not just have to react.

All this gave me hope.  It really was under my control.  I can not change another (in this case my mate) but I can change me, I can change my reaction.  All this gave me hope.

Tags: change another, change yourself, choose your reaction to another, control, gives me hope, God, hope, love, marriage, my wife, no control of others, only person I can change is me, reactions, relationships, Steven R. Covey, tempers flared, tension
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The first thing you do with broken records is realize you are one, too.  Our mate appears, at times, to be a broken record:  the same problems come up again and again and the same solutions are offered.  And your partner does not seem to approach their problems any differently.

Be compassionate.  You are no different.  As you do not want your mate to give up on you, do not give up on your mate.

Each of us are very flawed and not only that appear “stuck” sometimes.  Give your mate the same privilege.  You do not want her to give up on you so do not give up on her.

I often wondered why someone should never give up on a drug addict.  Bear with me.  This is an appropriate example.

Sometimes a drug addict is repeatedly in and out of facilities.  One should never give up on that person and I have to say you do not want to enable the person but nevertheless you should never give up on that person.  The reason for that is simple.  One never knows when that person is going to turn the corner, recover and stop being an addict.

In the same way, entrenched habits sometimes will change.  The thing is not to alienate the other in the process.  In a marriage each person comes with baggage.  The person often is not aware of some of that baggage.  That is one thing marriage does:  change the other.  That is the most common institution to do that.

Every marriage is really dysfunctional.  The family each of the persons grew up in was dysfunctional.  The only question is to what degree.  We are all imperfect.

What marriage does (or any other primary relationship) is to bring out your shortcomings.

In a relationship nothing is usually hidden for too long, and to go back to the original topic every partner hears the same old story from the other.  Anyway, that is the way it seems after awhile.

All you can do is love your partner.  Sometimes a partner will turn the corner in a certain area and sometimes not.  Each partner has to love the other.  I am convinced marriage was set up for one reason–to teach us how to love unconditionally.

We are all broken records at times but all we want is to be loved despite our faults.  So next time your partner sounds likes a broken record realize you are one, too, just a different one.  Flaws are flaws.

Tags: be compassionate, broken-record, do not give up, dysfunctional, faults, God, habits, love, love unconditionally, love your partner, marriage, problems, relationships, same-old-story, we all have baggage, we all want to be loved, we are all flawed, we are all imperfect
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You should cleave to your mate, which means not just sexually but every which way.  There could be too much togetherness.  There always has to be some space between both of you.  This separateness expands and contracts.  That is known as communication.

Each partner needs a sense of perspective about themselves and the other.  An outside friend always helps.  Someone you feel safe with and at the same time does not threaten your relationship.  Particularly in relationships you have with the opposite sex you have to be very careful.  Engage in communication under very safe conditions that do not unnecessarily threaten your partner.

And your situation becomes very difficult when every relationship threatens your partner.  It is a balancing act.  You always need to maintain your integrity.  Loyalty to the higher standard (truth, God, and if you want to call it the higher power) is always essential.

You want to remain loyal to your mate but at the same time it is important to keep your sense of perspective.  The only way that can be done is by having outside friends.  Those relationships also prevent you from becoming stale to your partner.  It is a paradox:  you must cleave to your mate but at the same time keep some distance (or proper perspective about each other).  Both partners are enriched by outside friends.

And each time your contact ends with your friend you have something more to share with your partner–maybe a slightly different take on something.  It is, always, as I said a balancing act.  You are always enriched by maintaining your perspective about each other.  The last thing you want to do is have your relationship to become inbred (and stale).  Then your view of each other becomes magnified (instead of realistic).

Tags: against the whole world, balance, cleave to your mate, communication, friends, God, integrity, loyalty, marriage, perspective, relationships, sense of perspective, space between both of you, too much togetherness, truth
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Coco can only do one thing:  she loves.  When she sees you, she wiggles excitedly in every which direction and slobbers on your face.  You have no doubt she loves you and is extremely glad to see you.

The ability she has to love you seems quite elementary.  For a dog, that is.  Yet, so many people have quite a problem with it–expressing love and affection openly.  In fact, so many people are much more comfortable with their pets than humans.  There is no deceit, no lies, twisted truths demonstrated towards them by their pets.  They either like you or don’t.  There is no guile.

Of course, each animal has their personality.  Coco will stay out in the yard for hours all by herself and also when she is in the house she will often lie down on our bed all by herself.  She likes her privacy.  She is loved by everyone in this house and loves back freely.  That is no small thing.  There is a reason so many people own dogs.  They forgive quickly, just ask you for a bowl of food and water and do not make many demands beyond that except occasionally to sit on your lap and be petted.  Wouldn’t it be nice if others’ demands were that simple?  Love is never a simple thing.  Dogs, though, make it appear that way.

Tags: animals, Coco, dog sleeps on bed, dogs, dogs make love appear simple, each animal has their personality, express love and affection openly, forgiveness, God, love, no guile, pets, relationships
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Greed is a terrible thing.  And money gives you the illusion you do not need Him.  And you do not need others, that you truly are self sufficient.  Besides the fact, that is truly a lie from satan.  Money insulates you from relying on others.

The  fact is the world is interdependent.  We need one another.  This is never more apparent than when we are in a crisis.  Money can not buy “roots”.  Roots take years, decades to develop.  A lot of people do not take the time to develop roots, relationships with others.

When you reach out to others and help others in need, you are developing roots in the community.  It is a question of keeping your ears and eyes open around you.  Needs are there.  You have to figure, how can I reach out to the persons around me.  Your neighbors will tell you.  You just have to pay attention and figure out what can I do which will help this person I am having contact with.  It is just being alert.

What does this have to do with our failing economy?  Hard times force us to rely on one another more, to be more resourceful.  It destroys the illusion we don’t need Him.  And others.  We need one another.  And that is never more apparent than when we are not sure where the next meal is coming from or when we are struggling to pay our bills.  A failing economy puts most people in the same boat.  And we help one another more readily.  A failing economy is not necessarily a bad thing.

Tags: community, economy, God, greed, help others in need, interdependence, knowledge, learning, money, neighbors, politics, reach out to others, relationships, rely on one another, we need God, we need one another
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Sometimes life is fair.  Sometimes it isn’t.  And sometimes it never is.  I am reminded of the famous anecdote of Eisenhower whose mother told him what you have to do is deal with the hand you are dealt with.  The fact life is not fair.  Some people appear to have it very easy.  They have no money worries.  Their life seems to flow.  And there is no doubt money (the lack of) can cause quite a bit of worry.

The fact is we are all unequally gifted.  Some people are very talented:  can do almost anything and be successful.  Some people have more.  Some people have less.  Envy can eat at you.  There is a good reason “Thou shall not covet” is one of the ten commandments.

But when you rail at the higher powers for being so unfair with your worldly station, it only leads to problems and dissatisfaction.  Pray to God with thanksgiving.  There is a reason for that advice in the Bible.

Otherwise we are this whining entity wanting this and that from above.  I think of God being above and millions maybe billions of strings are pulling at him all wanting it a different way.  Realizing everything is by grace and thanking God for all your blessings corrects your dissatisfaction with your life.

Insisting on God (or a higher power) being fair only can frustrate you.  Because life is NOT FAIR.  The serenity prayer is worth repeating and these are not the exact words:  what is in your control change, accept what isn’t and have the wisdom to know the difference.  These are not the exact words but it gets the point across.  Grab the control in your life you can, realize what you have no control of.  And accept the results.  That is the beginning of wisdom.

Tags: accept the results, balance, Bible, blessings, deal the hand you are dealt, Eisenhower, envy, everything-is-by-grace, fairness, gifts, God, knowledge, learning, life is not fair, money, pray to God, relationships, serenity prayer, take control in your life of what you can, talent, ten commandments, thanking God, thanksgiving, thou shall not covet, wisdom
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It is so hard to ignore the expectations we have of our friends.  We expect sometimes too much and are disappointed when they don’t meet our expectations.  It is far more easier not to have any expectations of others and rejoice when they exceed them and also feel grateful because if the truth be known each person does what he/she can, when the person can, in their own timing.  If you were to look at your own life, you would see this happening, too.  You have your own timing and give the way you can and give what you can.  You need to give the same right to others.  If you have no expectations, everything someone does for you is totally by grace.  All you really can do is tell another of your needs, desires.  It is up to them how, if and when he/she responds.  Everything is by grace.  And the sooner you understand all that, the easier it is to accept others.  Each person gives what he/she can.

Tags: balance, everything-is-by-grace, expect sometimes too much, expectations, friends, give what we can, giving, God, relationships, time
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Life is never fair.  Nor is giving.  The pendulum swings in a marriage, sometimes, back and forth.  One person gives more of his/herself and then the other.  A vow was made during the marriage ceremonies:  the words “for better or worse” are there for a reason:  bad times will come to a marriage.  There will be illness, lost jobs, money problems and often conflict, which will need to be resolved.  Sometimes an illness will result in one partner taking care of the other, sometimes permanently (the marriage vow “till death do us part” is there for a reason).  The giving then may become totally unbalanced.  Insisting the giving be always 50/50 puts a strain on the marriage and is really unrealistic.  Really all a partner can do is love the other, not being concerned how equal the give and take is.  Insisting or complaining you are giving more consistently always puts a strain on the marriage.  We are commanded in our vows to love the other in sickness or health (or in any, every situation) (my words).  Each partner only gives what he/she can.  Insisting marriage be always 50/50 is always wrong.

Tags: "till death do us part", balance, each partner gives what he/she can, for better or worse, giving, giving may be unbalanced, God, illness, life is not fair, love, love each other, marriage, one person gives more, relationships, time, wedding vows
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Making love (the actual physical act) takes very little time in the scheme of things.  Compare the time spent in that opposed to a twenty-four hour day–it is a very small part of your day, week.

Whether you get there is another question.  If I do not treat my wife right the whole day, she will not feel inclined to me even touching her.  Sex is only the tip of the iceberg.

For that matter sex is far more than the physical act, intercourse or even coitus.  It is how you look at each other, talk to one another.  It is communication.  It is working things out between the two of you.

So much is made of it in our society.  Sex is used to sell everything:  cars, soap, you name it.  People fall casually in and out of bed in movies, TV.  Yet we are so puritanical about it.

Sex is really any exchange between the sexes.  From a look to a soft word.  And sex without affection soon runs its course.  What most people do not recognize is we learn about sex and our relationship to our bodies and others from the very beginning when we are in the womb.

Sex is not the most important factor in a relationship though it is extremely private and the only reason in the Bible divorce is permitted is adultery.  The bond of sex is sacred.  And when it is broken, that bond is very difficult to repair and mend.

Sex is only one facet of a relationship.  Honesty and affection are so much more important.  Being able to converse with one another, finding each other interesting after years of being together is so much more important.  Your mate ought to retain some mystique.  I am convinced the institution of marriage was put on this earth for only one purpose:  to get beyond our selves and teach us to love.  Sex is only one way to do that.  Everything else leads to that.

Tags: a look, a soft word, adultery, affection, any exchange between the sexes, Bible, bond of sex is sacred, communication, God, honesty, love, making love, my wife, mystique, relationships, sex, sex is communication, sex used to sell everything, teach us to love
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I really can’t answer that.  Only you.  Do you listen to the tiny voice only you can hear?  This can be very difficult in a society that values conformity.  There are so many pressures you face–inward and outside.  Your conscience can be a dictator (or free you).  There are no easy answers.  To love another means to be able to reach out to others and forget yourself.  First, though you have to like and love yourself.  Respect starts with you.  If you do not respect yourself how can you possibly respect others?  Listening to a tune of a different drummer (words coined by Thoreau) means having the courage to follow the path only you truly can follow.  There are no lack of people to tell you how to lead your life and somehow you need to respect the lives of those closest to you.  That is truly a balancing act.  Maybe now you can answer that question a little better:  Do you walk to a tune of a different drummer?  Only you know to what degree that might be true.

Tags: balance, different drummer, follow your own path, God, like and love yourself, reach out to others, relationships, respect starts with you, society values conformity, Thoreau, tiny voice only you can hear, tune of a different drummer
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How many times have you heard those four words:  “I’d love to but…”  If the person is truthful, the fact is he/she really wants to do other things more.  Every person prioritizes their life.  This is an on-going process.  Yes, he may want to do that particular thing but not enough.  There are other things that are more important in that person’s life.  It is something that appears attractive for that person to do in his life yet he never gets to it.  Other things keep crowding it out because the other things (if he/she is truthful) are more important to do.  So the next time a person tells you he/she “would love to do that but…”, point this out:  he does not want to do that particular thing enough.  We have so many hours in the day.  We have so much control over our lives but, at some level, we do the things we want to do the most.

Tags: balance, excuses, other things more important, priorities, relationships
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Yes, every person has a spiritual life.  You may invoke the name of God, Jesus, higher power, whatever, there is no escaping that every thing you do, say reflects some kind of spiritual value stated or otherwise.  At some level it does not matter what name you give it.  There is no escaping this.  Every action, every thing, even your thoughts reflect something even if you do not define it yourself.  Every thing you believe is reflected this way.  People around you usually know what you believe in your inmost being given enough time.  Certainly this must be true of those people closest to you:  your significant others–friends, mates who see you under fire.  It is too easy to invoke the name of God.  It is easy to tell another this is what the word of God (whether it is the Bible, the Koran or any other holy book) says but do you really believe this is the truth, this is what you believe in your heart and soul.  Hypocrisy is always recognized by others.  No one likes a phony.

Tags: Bible, God, higher power, holy book, hypocrisy, Jesus, koran, love, phony, relationships, spiritual life, truth, what you believe, Word of God, your inmost being
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